“What in the hell?” We waited and then it sounded a few seconds later, only closer, like someone was pounding on every door in the hallway.
“Probably a stupid inspection. Crap, crap, crap.” She jumped to her feet and rummaged in her closet, finally emerging with a towel. “This is an illegal microwave, but as long as they can’t actually ‘see’ it, I can’t get in trouble.” She flung the towel over the microwave, adjusting it so it was completely covered. It would be obvious to anyone and everyone what she was hiding, but I took her word for it.
The pounding continued, getting closer. Hannah was in the fourth room down the hallway. By the time the door pounder got close, we could hear voices, but couldn’t make out what they were saying.
Hannah did one last glance around the room and looked out the peephole seconds before the knocking happened.
“Oh,” she said, as if she was surprised.
“What is it?”
“See for yourself.” She moved aside as the person pounded again.
I fitted my eye to the peephole and was met by none other than Dusty as he said, “Does Hannah Gillespie live here?”
“Shit,” I whispered, not loud enough for him to hear.
He swore and moved on to the next room, and I saw that he was carrying the bucket of candy and my shoes in the hand that wasn’t doing the knocking. He pounded on the next door and asked the same question, but it seemed like no one was home.
“Dude, you need to go talk to him before someone calls campus security. Like, seriously.” Hannah opened the door and shoved me out into the hallway, but she came with me.
Dusty turned when he heard the noise and I met his eyes. Oh, Jesus H. Christ, shit, shit, shit.
“Jos.” He walked toward me, but Hannah blocked his path and put her hand up to stop him.
“Listen, dude. I don’t know what happened between you two, but all I want to know is if you hurt her, because I swear to God and everything else that if you did, I will make you eat your own dick.”
Dusty didn’t take his eyes off me.
“I have no idea what happened. You just took off and I’ve been trying to find you. I knew you’d either go home or come here, so I went to the house and you weren’t there, so I knew you would be here. Did I do something? Please, I can’t...” He let go of the bucket and it banged on the floor, but the top stayed on. An anguished look passed over his face, and I thought he was going to cry, but he didn’t.
“Please, Jos. I just... I can’t bear to think that I’ve done something to hurt you. I couldn’t live with myself.”
Hannah took her eyes off Dusty and looked back at me.
“Do you want some privacy? I can find somewhere else to be if you two need to talk. But I think we should move this little shindig somewhere else.” I finally looked away from Dusty and realized nearly every door along the hallway was open and several sets of eyes were staring at us.
“I can’t.” They were the only two words that came to my lips. Dusty made a sound of frustration and walked toward me as if he didn’t care if Hannah followed through on her threat.
“Okay, okay, let’s take this down a notch,” she said, grabbing my and Dusty’s arms and shoving us both back into her room. “I’ll be outside. If you’re in trouble, just yell ‘Buffy’ and I’ll come running.” She shut the door behind us, and I heard her yelling at the onlookers to mind their own business.
I backed up, trying to put as much space between the two of us, but he had longer legs and moved faster. I thought he was going to grab me, but he held back at the last moment.
“Joscelyn.” There it was, the way he said my name that made it feel like he was making love to it with his mouth. “Please talk to me.” His voice broke. “I can’t lose you. Not like this.”
I’d never seen him so emotional. So broken. He was always so assured, so confident.
“It’s not you, Dusty. It’s me.” And there they were. The lamest and most overused words in the history of breaking up. Only this time, they were true. It was me. It was all me.
“You’re just saying that. It’s got to be something I did.” His hands reached for me, and I put mine behind my back so I wouldn’t reach for him, too. I wanted to—more than anything I wanted to fall into his arms and hear him say my name over and over and over until I forgot about everything.
“I just want to shake it out of you, but I can’t. Please, please tell me.” His anguish was almost more than I could stand, so I closed my eyes. I had to come up with something. Fast.
“I just... I realized that it wouldn’t work. It couldn’t work. You and me. It was nice while it lasted, but I can’t do it anymore. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” My resolve to not cry crumbled, and I lost it. So much that I couldn’t stand anymore, so I folded to the floor, but Dusty caught me before I hit it. I tried to push him away, but his arms were too strong as they folded around me and held me tight.
“Oh, Joscelyn. What you do to yourself.” He started rocking me as I sobbed, and I couldn’t fight him holding me. It felt too good, having someone hold me as I cried. I’d done too much of it alone with only myself for comfort.
My hands held on to his sweatshirt and he put his hand on my head, laying it near his heart, which was beating a million miles a minute.
“Beautiful, beautiful girl.” He said other things, but I didn’t pay attention to them.
We were still on the floor, but somehow he picked me up and carried me to the futon and lay me down, lying next to me. I reached for him this time. He sighed into my hair and moved his hands up and down my back. Not in a sexy way. More like a friend comforting a friend.
He started humming, but I was too messed up to realize what the song was.
“Are you guys watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer?” The words almost startled me. My crying had slowed from a flood to more of a light shower. I needed a tissue, bad, but I wasn’t in the position to get one.
“Um, yeah.” My voice was clogged with mucus and leftover emotion.
“You know, I’ve never seen this show. I heard it’s really good, though. I loved Firefly. Joss Whedon is kind of a badass.”
“I’d never seen it until Hannah showed it to me. It’s pretty good, but I’m only in the first season. It was made in the ’90s, so the computers are massive.” Were we really talking about Buffy right now? Yes, yes we were. And somehow, it made complete and total sense to be talking about Buffy right now.