“Oh, are these Milanos?” Dusty pulled the bag from under me. They were slightly crushed now, but that didn’t stop him from reaching into the bag and pulling one out and holding it up for me.
“You want one?”
Was he really feeding me cookies and talking about Buffy right now?
“What are you doing? Five minutes ago I thought you were going to have a breakdown.”
“I know. I was close. But then you did, and that was more important. You’re always more important. I can’t break down when you need me.”
“Who says I need you?”
He didn’t even look hurt. “Just eat the cookie, Red.”
So I took a bite of it and he popped the rest into his mouth and then picked out another one and we did the same thing and we watched Buffy and ate cookies. It didn’t make any sense, and at the same time it made all the sense in the world.
Chapter 19
By the time the cookies were gone, my face was dry and a little crusty and I had a headache. Dusty was still holding me, and I remembered that Hannah was still waiting in the hallway.
“Oh, my God. We forgot about Hannah.” Dusty readjusted his arms around me.
“She’s fine. You don’t need to worry about her.” My nose was still stuffed up and I sniffed. “Here,” he said, searching around for something and finding a box of tissues on the floor under the futon. He’d had to let go of me to find them, and as soon as his arms weren’t around me, I realized I wanted them back.
“Here you go.” He handed me one and I blew my nose. Not the most sexy thing to do, but it wasn’t like I hadn’t already un-sexied myself as much as possible. I knew, without having to look in a reflective surface, that my face was blotched all over like I had some sort of disease and my eyes were definitely harder to open and close than they had been a while ago.
“Do you need some water? I can go get you some.”
I did, but I didn’t want him to leave, so I just shook my head.
Dusty turned his head and yelled out, “Buffy!”
A second later, the door flew open.
“That’s her word, but I came, just in case,” Hannah said. “I see you’re doing better.”
“Can you get her some water?”
“Sure thing.” She grabbed a red cup from a stack in her closet and dashed away. She was back in a flash with a cup of cool water. “Holler if you need anything else.” She went to her bookshelf, grabbed something and left again, shutting the door behind her.
I chugged the water, spilling some of it.
“If you were that thirsty, you should have said something.”
“I didn’t want you to go anywhere,” I said, finishing the water and handing him the cup. He wiped my face with another tissue.
“I’m not going anywhere. Not even if you try to make me. Not again.”
I loved hearing him say that at the same time I hated it.
“We can’t, Dusty. We just can’t.” Now I was the one saying no.
He put his finger on my lips to stop me from talking.
“Not right now, Red. Later. For now, can I just enjoy being here, with my arms around you?”
I nodded. I was enjoying it, too.
“If you want to sleep, that’s fine. Close your eyes.” I did and he started humming again.
I listened and kept my eyes closed. I knew he could beat box like a boss, but I didn’t know he could sing, sing. Dusty Sharp, man of many talents. I let myself sink into his voice and his arms, because soon, I would have to find some way of getting out of this. But for now, I was going to savor this last moment of perfection. It would have to last me for a long time.
* * *
“Oh, shit, look outside,” Dusty said when I woke up. I’d fallen into a deep and dreamless sleep and woke when the light in Hannah’s room had turned dark. I glanced out the window, which was partially covered with what looked like a shower curtain. The world was dark all right, but it was also covered in snow. From the looks of it, there were several inches and it was piling up fast. Double shit.
“Renee said it was supposed to snow, but I was hoping the weather people would all be wrong. I mean, it’s not like they can predict the future,” I said, rubbing my eyes.
“True. We should probably get you home.” He started to move, but I latched on to him to make him stop.
“It’s not really that bad.”
“Joscelyn,” Dusty said, giving me a look. “I’m not letting you drive in this. There’s just no way. So you can give up now and let me drive you, or we can fight about it a little bit and then you can give up and let me drive you. The choice is yours.”
I rolled my eyes.
“I can call Mase if you’re going to get that upset about it. He’s got a plow truck. He’d probably be willing to give you a ride, too.”
“No, it’s fine. You’d be surprised how good my car is in the snow.”
“So you’re allowed to stop me from driving in the snow, but I’m not allowed to stop you from driving in the snow? Double standard much?”
“Fine, fine. But if I get a ticket, I’m holding you personally responsible,” he said, kissing me. This was the first time he’d kissed me since I’d cried. And I let myself give in to it because it felt damn good, and if this was going to be our last kiss, I was going to make it f**king count.
“Your mouth is all salty and chocolaty,” he said, smiling as he kissed me.
“Is that bad?”
“No, it’s good.”
And we didn’t talk for a while after that. His hands and my hands moved up and under and between our clothing, searching for skin-on-skin contact. We were both a little hesitant, him because he probably didn’t want to push me after I’d been crying and me because I was afraid of letting myself go too far.
I was so, so close to saying f**k it and ripping his clothes off and mine off, even though this was Hannah’s room and she was outside and her neighbors would probably hear us. I’d finally found something to drown out the bad parts of my mind. People had been using sex for centuries as an escape. Why did it take me so long to realize it could work for me, too?
“Dusty,” I said, pulling away from his mouth.
“Oh, Red. We have to put the brakes on, even though I don’t want to. This isn’t right. Not right now, as much as you can probably tell I want it.” Yep, I could tell. Really, really tell.
“This is Hannah’s bed and this just isn’t the right time. I don’t want to go further like this. I want it to be because we both know it’s right.”