We're both silent for a minute as he processes what I just said.
“But I will.” I wipe at my cheek and smile weakly. “I've been knocked down before, and I get back up each time. I won't stay down for long.”
Kyle smiles reassuringly and nods in the direction of the building. “I see Kay moving her ass over here, so I'll leave you.”
“Thanks for listening, Kyle.” I reach over and squeeze his hand as he stands.
He squeezes back and leaves, turning and hesitating. “It's always gonna be him, isn't it, Maddie? No matter how high you climb back up.... It'll always be him.”
His words shock me until the truth of them sink in.
Braden was – is – the first guy I fell in love with. He's the first guy I ever gave myself to – not sexually, but emotionally. He knew everything about me, and if he's to be believed, he loved me anyway. For that, a part of me will always hold him close. Maybe I'll never stop loving him completely.
I nod slowly. Kyle smiles, nods once and waves to Kay, throwing me a wink over his shoulder.
“Did you just tell that hot piece of ass 'no' again? ‘Cause I'm tellin' you, baby girl, if you don't have him, I will.” Kay takes Kyle's seat and puts a coffee and muffin in front of me. Something in me twists and I force myself to accept them.
“I told him no. For the last time, I think.” I glance over her shoulder at his still-retreating figure. “He's just not the one for me.”
“But Carter is,” she says nonchalantly.
I blink. “I don't think so.”
“Oh, I do.” Her eyes pierce mine. “You been mopin' since he hot-tailed it outta our dorm room – and believe me, I'm pissed he saw my frilly pink boobie holder. But what can you do? Anyway,” she redirects herself. “I ain't gotta be damn Einstein to see you're in love with him. I gotta be honest, I don't understand what it is, but you love him, baby girl. Now, question is, what are you gonna do about it?”
I smile at her words. “Nothing,” I say and pick at my muffin. “Because nothing can right what I did.”
“But love don't get that. I'm no cupid, I tell ya, but you two are like peanut butter and jelly. You're pretty shit on your own, but get you together and actually, you're kinda good.”
I laugh a little. “Thanks, I think.”
She winks and waves her hand. “You're welcome. So, I'm gonna ask you again. What are you gonna do about it?”
I sigh and twirl the coffee cup round. “Nothing,” I say again. “Don't you see, Kay? This all started as a game. It was never meant to last forever because someone always has to win the game. Love or not, we were always destined for disaster. He was always gonna be the murderer in Clue, I'd always win the most money in Monopoly. Braden would always hold the most cards at the end of the round of Old Maid, and I'd always top him at Jenga. Not everyone has a 'one,' Kay, and whether he's mine or not, it doesn't mean we have to be a two. I did this because you guys asked me. I didn't want to – and I didn't want to fall in love. I was always going to have to deal with the fall out of this game and this just happens to be it.”
“Then you won't mind if we go to the frat house party tomorrow night.”
I stop breathing, my whole body freezing for a second. “No,” I lie eventually. “No, I won't mind.”
~
I'm torturing myself being here - especially before the party actually starts. Every place seems to have a memory of us, and even though I know it's my fault, it doesn't stop the sting that still accompanies each thought of him.
“Ryan, what do you mean?” I hear Lila ask as I pass the front room.
“I.... Shit. You weren't meant to find out, babe.”
“Obviously.”
“It's no different than what you guys did!”
“Oh, really? ‘Cause it is. We planned to get Braden to stop sleeping around. Your plan was to get her to fall in love just so he could sleep with her. Vile, Ryan!”
I gasp. I slap my hand over my mouth to stifle it, but Lila turns her head towards me.
“Maddie? Oh, crap,” she whispers, her soft eyes filling with regret. “I'm sorry.”
I'm shaking. Anger is flooding my body, red hot and ready to burst out of me. It's coupled with the dull pain of betrayal, the pain he felt.
The pain he lied about.
“Fuck!” Ryan looks at me.
I spin and storm off into the kitchen. He's at the bar, drinking a beer and talking with the guys. I can't see straight. I can't think straight. All I can see, all I can think, it's all him.
I grab his arm and pull him from the stool.
“Maddie? What the f**k?”
I look up into the blue eyes I fell in love with, and the anger increases. I shove his chest. “You!”
“What?” He looks at me, behind me, and I take a step closer. He steps backwards, and I keep stepping forward until he's backed against the wall.
“Congratulations, you won,” I mimic. “Remember that line, Braden? Remember the bullshit you laced in it? Remember every goddamn, f**king lie you've fed to me over four weeks?”
His face pales slightly, his eyes sparking with recognition. “Shit.”
“Shit is about right.” I'm shaking. Bad. I can't stop, because if I stop shaking the anger stops, and if the anger stops the tears will come. “Shit is about right because you played me all along, didn't you?! A quick f**k. That's all I ever was, isn't it? Well, did you enjoy it?”
“Maddie,” he says quietly. Sadness is in his eyes. “That's not how it was-”
“Lies. Don't f**king lie to me, Braden. I've heard enough of them recently, don't you think?”
“Angel-”
“I'm not your damn angel. I'm not your anything, other than the last person to warm your bed.” I shake my head and step back. My eyes meet his again. “Everything was a damn lie! I guess you played me as well as I played you, huh? 'Cause guess what? You got what you wanted. You won.” I walk backwards slowly, tears springing to my eyes. “I guess we both won.”
I turn from him and run through the house, shoving my way through the crowds forming at the front of it. I need to get away from this place. From this house, this campus, and this state.
My feet pound angrily against the floor as I run back to my dorm. I slam my door behind me and grab my cell, doing a quick Google search. Satisfied, I follow through the process on screen and pull my suitcase from under the bed. I shove random belongings into it, needing to leave.
Ring.
Reluctantly, I grab my phone and look at the screen. Kyle.