Grey eyes meet mine. Dad's eyes. On Gran.
''Yeah, it's my damn fault.'' I flop back onto the sofa. ''I f**ked up, Gran.''
''Language, Timothy,'' she scolds.
''I messed up,'' I correct myself. ''Every time. I can't.. Since he died I can't seem to keep anything together. I finally find the person I want and I can't even hold onto her.''
''Vi's awake,'' Gran says suddenly. ''I spoke with Emily not too long ago. They're heading up there today.''
''Good,'' I say, looking out at the back garden. ''I'm glad she's getting better.''
''Said she was awake, boy, not that she's getting better. Two different things.''
''You think she won't make it?''
''She'll make it what she wants to make it. That's the beauty of Karma.'' Click click. ''You can piss it off so it throws a truckload of crap back at you, but you can fight it. You can tell it to piss off back to wherever it came from and take matters into your own hands, 'cause what's the use in your life if you ain't got a say in it?''
Grey eyes sparkle with a wisdom beyond anything I could ever hope to achieve.
''You're telling me in your own crazy way that I have to fight karma, aren't you?'' I ask, narrowing my eyes.
''Karma hit you with a bucket load of silage because you pissed it off one time too many. It ain't gonna give her back to you, boy.'' She sniffs. Click. ''The only person that can get that girl back is you.''
''Fight for what you believe in, never give up and never forget why you believe in the first place,'' I echo the words Dad said to me so many times before he died. Never forget.
Never forget.
''Gran you're a f**king genius.'' I kiss her forehead and run up the stairs, changing quickly.
''Language!'' Gran yells as I fly out of the front door and into my car.
She just has to remember. She just has to remember about us. I can't let her forget about us.
ALEXIS
An engine rumbles outside and I pull the corner of the curtain to one side. A black 4x4. Hell no. Hell. Fucking. No.
I drop the curtain and run into the kitchen. A door slams. One, two, three. Knock knock. My heart beats wildly in my chest as I push against the wall to stop from running out there. If I do, I'll either kiss him or kick him.
Actually... Kicking him sounds pretty appealing right now.
''I get it, Princess.'' His voice drifts through the crack in the door. ''I'm sorry, so sorry. I can't even.. find the words. Shit.'' I can imagine him running his hands through his hair, shutting his eyes and kicking the floor the way he does when he's frustrated.
''I know you're in there, but whether or not you're listening is another story,'' he carries on. ''But I.. Fuck it. I have to say it before I go mad, okay? I wish with every part of me I was in there with you, holding you and taking your pain away. In fact, I'm certain I'd do pretty much anything to be in there with you right now..'' Tears start to slide down my cheeks and I grip the counter. ''I just.. I love you, okay? I didn't plan to fall in love with you, not for a second, but I did and I can't take that back. I wouldn't even if I could. It's killing me that I'm hurting you. I know I don't deserve anything but, Princess, if you only ever do one thing for me, then never forget, okay?
''Never forget how I held you under the stars, how I showed you there's more to life than just shopping and weekend partying. Never forget everything we've shared in the last six weeks, all the smiles, laughter and everything else that made us as close as two people can ever be. I know I won't. I won't forget it, okay? So you don't either. Never forget that somewhere along the way you became the only thing worth waking up for. But most importantly, never forget how much I love you. Never forget about us.''
Something slides through the letterbox and I bite the inside of my cheek. I'm being torn apart again.
I hear his car leave and walk to the front door on shaky legs.
We sit on the rug. Our smiling faces covered in ice cream and he's kissing my cheeks. Trembling, I pick up the photo.
Never forget is scrawled on the back. I lean back against the wall and close my eyes against the sting of salty tears.
How could I forget? How could I ever forget the way he made me feel? I'll never forget the smiles, touches, racing hearts, spoken words, unspoken words, dreams of forever, promises for the future.
My fingers trace the words on the back of the photo. Never forget.
''I won't,'' I whisper, looking away. ''I'll never forget.''
ALEC
I pause at the car door, waiting, hoping, that maybe, just maybe, she'll open the door and tell me it's okay. But she doesn't, and I don't honestly expect her to.
It doesn't kill the hope inside me, though. As I drive away I can still feel a little of it, a tiny dot in the back of my mind, like a seed waiting to pop out of the ground and bloom.
It doesn't bloom. I won't let it. Until my girl is back in my arms for good, I won't let an ounce of hope grow.
But she'll remember. I've made sure of it. The little things. She can burn the picture, delete the messages and leave town.
But I know she'll never forget.
~
ALEXIS
Music pounds my ears as I travel into Barnstaple on the bus. After a million and one reassurances from my family last night that Gram was fully awake, I agreed to come and see her today. On the condition I came alone.
After Mum saw the picture of me and Alec, she didn't argue.
I push the stop button and stand, gripping the rail tightly as the big, white building looms before me. I roll my shoulders against the shiver creeping down my spine at the sight and thank the driver, stepping off onto the curb. The doors open automatically and I pass past people, turning off my iPod as I wait for the lift.
Tap, tap. Tick, tock. I swallow and step into the lift, the chrome, silver walls and mirror a welcome change from the whiteness of reception.
I pay attention to where I walk this time. Corridors, turning, nurses, doctors. Just a normal workplace, I tell myself.
I press the buzzer on the door outside ICU.
''Who's there?''
''Um, Alexis Edwards. I'm here to see my Gram-''
''Come on in, dear,'' the voice chuckles. ''We've been expecting you.''
''Oh, okay.'' I release it and push open the door.
I walk into the stuffy hospital room, my hands sweaty and shaking as I clasp them in front of me. They said Gram was awake – but do we have different definitions of awake? Is she talking, moving, joking?
It's a tall order, I know, but that's all I want.
The nurse at the desk smiles at me. ''Alexis?''
''That's me.'' I give her a shaky smile.
''She's all you've talked about all morning. We're glad to see you. She's quite a character, your grandmother.'' She waves for me to follow her.
''Oh, you have no idea,'' I mutter under my breath and smile widely at her.