I nod, biting my lip as I try to hold back tears as he walks over to me and wraps his arms around me... I melt into him, fisting my hands in his shirt as he hugs me close. I feel safe with Sean. But it was never anything more than sex, more like the chance to give up all control to him for a few hours, escape the stresses and realities of my life. If anything, Sean has been cathartic.
“It’s about time, baby doll. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved. You deserve this.” He kisses my forehead and places his hands on the top of my arms, pulling me away. “So why the long face?”
“I…um…I’ve already run from him twice. I’m not sure he still wants me and my baggage. And then there’s you guys. I’m going to miss you,” I say, sniffing my nose and wiping my eyes.
“I’m always going to be here for you. Just not in that way and I’m okay with that. We were always friends first and foremost, and I’m not disappearing just because we’re not having that kind of fun together anymore. It’s going to be okay.” He kisses my forehead and that just starts me crying again as I remember all the times Daniel would kiss my nose and then my forehead, his little claiming ritual that always made me feel cherished.
“Well, I’m going to pass on that drink. I think you need some time to yourself. But if I may say one thing, baby doll, don’t ever think you don’t deserve to be happy. Whatever happened in the past belongs in the past. Learn from it, grow, and move on. Don’t let it determine your future.” He kisses my cheek and walks out the door.
My Mr. Dom no more.
Since I am on a roll, I decide it’s time to face Zander. He’s called me a couple of times since that night at the bar. I know I owe him an explanation, but to be honest, I’ve been avoiding him. I pull my big girl panties on and send him a text.
Mac: Hey, Zan. You wanna meet up for a drink later?
Zander: And she finally returns to the land of the living! Where have you been, and why have you been avoiding me?
Mac: Sorry, been busy with work and stuff. So tonight?
Zander: I have a gig at 8. Can we meet after 9?
Mac: Sure, where?
Zander: At the club? Is Kate coming with you?
Mac: Probably not, I think she has a date. See you then.
With my plans for the evening made, I set about finishing my chores and waiting for Kate to come home from work. She gets home around five to find me sitting on the couch cross-legged, drinking hot chocolate and reading a new romance novel on my kindle.
“Hey, babe, grab a glass of wine and come chill out with me,” I say as she dumps her purse on the kitchen counter.
“You are a life saver, Mac. Today has been hell. It’s prom season. You know what that means. Every high school girl wants their hair up. It feels like my heels have melted to my feet!”
“Well, it sounds like you deserve that wine then.”
She plops down beside me and cradles her wine glass likes it’s a newborn baby. “Hmm, you know that I’ll always need you,” she coos at the glass as she takes a big gulp and smiles, murmuring words of appreciation under her breath. “You’re an angel, Mac, you know that?”
“I know. It’s hard being this good,” I say in jest, earning a giggle.
“So, enough about me. How’s your day been?” She spins herself on the couch so that she’s facing me with her legs crossed.
“I did the chores as you can see.” I throw my hand out like a game show host, displaying the sparkling clean living room as the grand prize which makes her giggle. “And then I asked Sean to come over-”
“Mac, you didn’t!”
“No, I didn’t, thank you very much! I told you I was going to sort myself out, and I meant it. He came over so that I could end the benefits side of our arrangement in person. I just felt better doing it face to face, that’s all.”
She leans forward, putting her glass on the coffee table and shuffles over towards me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and giving me the world’s tightest cuddle. “Can’t. Breathe. Hon.”
Sorry. I’m just so proud of you, babe. You’re learning.” She praises me like I’ve just got first prize or something.
“I’m definitely trying, but it’s hard. I can’t stop thinking about Daniel. I grabbed my phone twice today, and had to stop myself from calling him, texting him, sending out a freaking SOS sign and asking for my superhero to come save me.”
“Mac, we’ve talked about this. You need to sort yourself out first so that you can show him that he is everything you need and want and that you won’t run again. With Daniel, I think it is definitely a case of ‘three strikes and you’re out’.”
“Yeah, I know,” I sigh. “Zander’s up next. I’m meeting him tonight at the club.”
Kate stops mid mouthful and looks at me warily before quickly swallowing and putting her glass down, grabbing the remote in the process.
“Anything good on the box?” she asks, changing the subject. That is strange!
“Kate, why do you act weird whenever I mention Zan?”
“What do you mean?” she asks with an uncomfortable chuckle.
“Exactly that! Did he try something that night I left you at the bar with him? Cause honest to God, he’s a good guy hon, but if he made you feel uncomfortable or anything I’ll f**king cut his-”
“No! Nothing like that, Mac. He was a perfect gentleman. I was drunk, he brought me home and made sure I was okay, then left. “
“So why have you been acting weird whenever I mention his name?”
“I don’t know.” She looks away again, looking uncertain about the conversation. Vowing to talk to Zander about it later, I let it go. It’s obvious she’s not going to tell me, so I’ll get it out of the man of the hour tonight.
A few hours later, I leave Kate at home to meet up with Zander at the Pink Monkey. It’s his hangout of choice these days, and I can see why. After meeting him outside, we’re ushered in, and he grabs us a couple of drinks before leading me to one of the VIP cabanas lining the far wall. The white curtains are sheer, but still give the feeling of privacy. Unlike the last time I was alone with Zander, I’m not nervous. Funnily enough, I feel at peace.
He’s been the perfect gentleman so far. Apart from giving me a peck on the cheek when I arrived, and guiding me towards the bar by placing his hand on the small of my back, there has been none of his predictable and usually welcomed flirty behavior and dirty talk. I’m sure he knows what I want to talk to him about. Zander may be many things, but he is wise beyond his years.