I want it all, and I want it with him.
It’s because of this that I can’t tell him about the baby until I know that the baby is going to stay put inside me. I’ve miscarried once, and as much as I didn’t want that child, it shredded me in two the moment I knew that I’d lost my baby. I would not want to willingly inflict that pain on anyone unnecessarily. So as unfair as it may be, I’ll wait until I’m safely into the second trimester and tell him then.
Whatever happens between the two of us after that will be up to fate. Because God knows I’m all out of ideas when it comes to how I can prove to Daniel that he’s what I want and that he’s who I want it with.
I see Kate’s mane of red hair come off the train, then spot her huge smile as she sees me waiting for her on the platform. She stops right in front of me, putting down her tiny travel case and putting her arms on my shoulders, holding me a body length away from her as she examines me from head to toe. “So, no limbs missing, no obvious disfigurations, and you don’t seem sick to me. So, what’s with the disappearing act, Mac Attack?”
“I knew I couldn’t get anything past you,” I say with a small grin.
“It’s taken you fifteen years to realize this? Now, take me to the nearest café, hole in the wall, anywhere that serves coffee, and you’re gonna spill your guts to me, missy. We’re not going back to the farm until I know and understand every single last detail. Because, honey, it has to be big to make you run.”
“Yeah, it’s kinda big.”
“That’s what he said!” Kate and I shout at the same time, cracking up laughing with each other as we entwine arms and walk towards my mom’s car.
We find a coffee shop in the middle of town and after ordering hot chocolate and a latte, we claim a couch in the far corner of the shop.
“Spill, Mac. Tell me what’s going on? You never call in sick for work, and the last time you came running home for mom and dad comfort was after leaving Ohio. What happened?”
I reach into my purse and pull out one of the pamphlets that the OB doctor gave me, handing it over to my best friend’s outstretched hand. I watch her reaction as she reads the front page of the “Pregnancy – What to expect” pamphlet and her eyes widen before she looks up at me, tears welling in her eyes.
“Babe.” She wraps her arms around me and envelopes me in a huge hug. “Wow,” she says, her voice cracking.
“Yeah, wow,” I say quietly with a small smile.
“You’re okay with this?”
“I’m actually more than okay with it amazingly.”
“Have you told him?”
“No.”
“What?” she says a bit too loudly, drawing attention from people sitting around us.
“I couldn’t. Not yet anyway.”
“He’ll be over the moon, you know that. He’ll be with you 100%.”
“I don’t want him to be with me just because I’m carrying his child. I want to be with him for me. The baby is just an awesome bonus.”
“He already wants to be with you. You’re the one dragging your feet.”
“That’s what I want to change, but I don’t know how. And what if I lose this baby too? It would break his heart all over again. I can’t do that. I’ve hurt him enough.”
“So what? You’re going to wait until you give birth and turn up on his doorstep saying ‘surprise!’,” she adds, sounding annoyed.
“No. I just want to wait until I’m past the first twelve weeks, when I know that I’m actually going to be a mom and not another miscarriage statistic.”
“Mac, babe. That’s unfair,” she says straight away.
“No, it’s protecting myself, and Daniel. But you know what I’ve been doing the past few weeks. I’ve been sorting my life out, trying to grow the f**k up. It’s been a long time coming. I want to be worthy of him. I want to be in the right head space so that I’m not tempted to run again.”
“You think you can run away from him again? You think he’d even give you that chance?”
“I wanted to change for him. I needed to change. My vow was rash, and I’ve been holding onto it like a crutch to protect my heart.”
“Daniel won’t hurt your heart. If anything, you’re the one who’s been hurting yourself, and him.”
“I know, but it’s time to let it go and take a chance. This baby is my chance, Kate. I believe that more than you know.”
“Well, I’m gonna be there for you every step of the way. You know that, right?”
“I was counting on it,” I say with a smile. “Aunty Kate has a nice ring to it, don’t ya think?”
“Hell yeah, it does. I’m gonna be the cool aunty. The one who paints her nails and takes her clothes shopping. The one who takes her out for spa days and mommy free time. I’m gonna rock this Aunty gig.”
“Her?”
“Of course!” she says with a cheeky grin.
“Do you think I’m doing the right thing by waiting to tell him?”
“No, I think he has the right to know now. But it’s not my life, babe, it’s yours. Though, if I see that you’re f**king this whole thing up and that you’re going to lose him by not stepping up, I will call you out on it. You can bet your lily white ass on that.”
“I’d expect nothing less.” I smile over at her before hugging her again. With Kate by my side, I feel like I can conquer anything. That is the beauty of having a best friend. They’ll walk over hot coals with you, they’ll tell you when you’re being dumb, and they bail you out of trouble, unless they’re sitting right beside you in the cell.
“You wanna go back home tomorrow and face the music?” she asks, finishing up her coffee.
“I think I should. I’m still not telling him yet, but I need to start living my life. No more excuses, no holding back, no crutches. It’s you, me, and baby makes three. “
“Yep it is, but fingers crossed it will be the four of us in this together. I have a good feeling about this, Mac. I always have.”
Chapter 25 – “The Story”
Kate and I headed back to Chicago the next day. My morning sickness was still hitting me hard, but with the tried and true combination of saltine crackers and ginger ale before I got out of bed in the morning, it was lot more bearable.
It’s been a few weeks since I found out about my little superhero, and every day I wake up without blood in my panties is a good day. As each day has passed, I’ve been feeling more and more confident that this is my time. My turn. This baby is meant to stick.