“Has he called?” She looks over at my phone on my bedside cabinet.
I reach over and grab it, letting out a heavy sigh of disappointment when I see no texts, no missed calls. Nothing.
“I didn’t think he would.”
“Babe, I’m going to fix you some breakfast before I leave for work. I know for a fact that bottle was half full, so I’m guessing you need some food. But…” she looks over at me and gives me her best authoritarian look, “I’m only giving you one mental health day to deal with this, Mac. Because if you’re not willing to take a leap with him, even if he might’ve been the best damn thing to happen to you, then I’m not gonna let you mope around and watch life pass you by like last time.”
That’s all she needs to say. If I was ever in any doubt about how well Kate knows me, she just spelled it all out. One day to decide whether I’m going to swallow my pride and try again, or snap out of it and put it behind me.
After making me a hangover breakfast that would cure world hunger, Kate leaves me to my own devices and takes off to the salon.
I don’t know what I’m feeling right now, but it’s definitely not the relief I thought I’d feel. I thought a weight would have lifted off my shoulders now that I’ve let Daniel go, given him the chance to go find his own happiness, the life I won’t allow myself to give him. But if anything, I feel an emptiness I haven’t felt for a long time, and I don’t like it one f**king bit.
Around lunch time, I hear my phone chime with a new text message. My heart leaps in my chest, and I jump up off the couch to grab it from the kitchen counter.
It sinks again when I see that it is Sean, and not the one person I desperately want to hear from.
Sean: You looked like you were having a great time Saturday night.
Mac: I was rather drunk. Sorry I didn’t catch up with you.
Sean: You looked otherwise engaged, loved the floor show. Gave me plenty of ideas ;)
Mac: You in town this week?
Sean: I wish I was. Back next week. We’ll catch up then.
Mac: Yes, sir ;)
Sean: Baby doll, my c**k has ideas where you’re concerned, and he’s making those intentions clear in the back of a New York cab right now.
I giggle at that. Playful Sean is always fun, but I’m glad he’s not in town. It would be way too easy to just jump back into his bed and f**k Daniel out of my head and my heart.
I can hear Kate’s voice in my head, like she’s here in front of me and reading my thoughts. ‘No, Mac, that’s not going to help.’ Noah is totally out of the equation now. I couldn’t do that to Daniel, and seeing them at the BBQ a few weeks ago, there is no chance Noah would do that to his friend either.
Argh. This whole situation is a clusterfuck. I’ve come to realize that Daniel is everything I had hoped Beau would one day be.
I know it’s stupid to compare the two men. I mean, they’re like chalk and cheese. And to be honest, they’re not alike. If I was the type to settle down, I’d always choose Daniel. He’s always been thoughtful and chivalrous, and whenever we’re together he’s attentive and seems to have this overwhelming urge to touch me.
But it’s more than that. It’s the way he strokes my skin, the random texts in the middle of the day just to say hi...it’s a whole of lot of little things that together, create a big thing.
What the hell have I done?
Even from early on in my relationship with Beau, he was never affectionate unless he was trying to get me into bed. I also don’t think he ever had a thought for anyone else except himself, let alone have a chivalrous bone in his body. Even when we were having sex, when he took my v-card, he was greedy and took more than he would give. As the relationship progressed, he seemed to get rougher, sometimes making demands of my body that I was not accustomed to, or wasn’t willing to do. There were times when we were living in Ohio that he would open his fly and give me a knowing look before roughly gripping my hair to control the depth and movement of my actions, even holding me there until he was done.
I look back now and wonder why the hell I stayed for so long. I was so gutless and naïve back then. I knew that he was out getting drunk and high, and probably hooking up with other girls, but not once did I actually take action to change my life. Not until that fateful night.
Since I’ve been back in Chicago, he hasn’t even tried to contact me, and for that, I’m glad. In the first six months I was back, I honestly believed he would try and make things difficult, or even turn up on my parent’s doorstep begging me for forgiveness. I mean, for all he knows, I gave birth to his son or daughter.
Chalk and cheese.
Water and wine.
Apples and oranges.
Imagine if I had met Daniel in high school. I would have had an instant crush on him with those brooding eyes and the hot geek glasses that he pulls off so well. He would have been hooking up with girls left and right. Maybe I wouldn’t have even had a chance.
On the rare times Daniel and I went out in public, he was always being noticed by women...a lot! I was proud that it was me on his arm, but as soon as I started thinking like that, I also felt guilty that our ‘non-dating’ arrangement was holding him back from meeting his princess charming, or whatever the female equivalent would be.
The thought of him going on and finding someone else, a future wife, his soul mate, a woman who could fall in love with him openly and give him the type of relationship he wants...it rips me apart.
And the more I think about it, the more I wish I could be the one to give it to him. Everything. The house, the kids, the white picket fence, all of it.
I think I know what I want.
So why does it scare the shit out of me?
By the time Kate gets home from work, I’m firmly ensconced on the couch surrounded by empty junk food packaging and halfway through a tub of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.
“Productive day?” she scoffs as she pulls a bottle of wine out of the fridge.
“You said I had one day,” I mumble around a mouthful of ice cream.
“That’s right, so any word from the man of the hour?”
“Why would I? I hurt him, Kate. You weren’t there. I shattered him,” I say, gladly accepting the glass of wine she hands me.
“So what are you going to do, babe? Because I know you can’t lie for shit, and it’s written all over your face that this is not just a friendly break-up.”
“It’s just gonna take time. Soon he’ll move on and forget all about our few months of memories. I’ll just soldier on, concentrate on work or something. And I’ve still got Sean and Zander,” I reply half-heartedly.