This isn’t supposed to be me. Not anymore. I’ve kept my emotions and feelings in check for so long, the overwhelming rush of guilt and loss I’m feeling is uncomfortable to say the least. It takes me back to Ohio four years ago when I left Beau and never looked back. Why doesn’t it feel as simple as it did back then?
With every shot I refill and slam back, the feelings hit me harder. Instead of numbing the pain, the alcohol intensifies it.
Four years ago, when my plane landed back in Chicago, and I ran into Kate’s welcoming arms in the terminal, I’d been a mess. I was mourning the loss of the baby I hadn’t wanted, the relationship I’d escaped but felt trapped in, and the man that I used to love who was now a shadow of his former self.
Now, sitting here, I feel worse than I did back then and it’s confusing the f**k out of me. Daniel was meant to be a bit of fun. Innocent flirting that led to a few dates, followed by some of the best sexual encounters of my life. But when I wasn’t looking, the bastard snuck past my long standing defenses and into my heart.
I pour another shot and down it as quick as it’s poured. My body is slowly melting into a nice numb haze. Finally!
Daniel f**king Winters. Even thinking his name stabs at my heart while also causing my stomach to flutter. How can one man have had such a sudden and profound effect on me? I never promised him hearts and flowers. I was straight up that I didn’t do relationships, definitely didn’t do commitment, but then I did something stupid and admitted that I felt whatever it was that was going on between us.
Because I did, I felt it. In all honestly, I felt it the moment our eyes locked when he handed me back my phone. Then again when he called me his beautiful stranger. And again every time he called me gorgeous and kissed my forehead. Every damn time.
But he deserves better. Maybe in another time, another place. Maybe when I’m not so determined to stick to my vow and stop protecting my heart, I could try. Too late now.
His reaction tonight ripped me apart. I’m so glad I managed to keep it together until I was alone in the elevator. If he’d seen me cry, he would have known I was hurting. He would have grabbed my hand and never let me go. He would have picked me up and carried me to his bed, laying me down and holding me close in his arms. His hands would have rubbed my back soothingly, murmuring words in my ear about how gorgeous I was, how I was meant to his, how he would protect me from the world and never let anyone hurt me, let alone him.
“I’m in so deep, I’ll take you however I can have you.”
This is the stuff dreams are made of, but I knew it would mean him sacrificing his happiness just to keep me. I would never want that for him.
“You’re meant to be mine.”
For someone so sure of herself and what she wants, and definitely doesn’t want, I’m a f**king idiot.
Another shot, another refill. My hand starts trembling with each new shot I pour. I don’t know what makes me stop. It might be when I curl up on the couch and finally let myself succumb to the pain, the loss, everything I’ve bottled up and held back for four years. An hour later, I stumble into my room, take my clothes off, and put on the first t-shirt I can find, which of course happens to be one of Daniel’s.
I black out surrounded by the smell of the man I’ve just gotten legless drunk over.
When I wake up Monday morning, I have the hangover from hell.
I drag myself out of bed and into the shower, hoping to wash away the stench of too much tequila and not enough sleep. No such luck. After calling in sick to my nursing supervisor, I crawl back into bed. A few hours later, I hear a knock at my door.
“Go away. I’m dead,” I mumble from underneath my pillow.
“You’re not dead. What’s going on, Mac? I walk in to find an empty bottle of tequila, a shot glass, and a trail of clothes leading to your door. I take it Daniel’s left already?” Kate asks, sitting down on the bed beside me.
“Daniel’s no longer a factor.”
“What?” she screeches. I groan because a screeching Kate sounds like a pack of flying bats are slamming against the empty cave inside my head.
I roll over, putting the pillow under my head and looking at my frowning best friend.
“Move over, I’m coming in,” she says as she lays down beside me and gets under the covers. “Now that I’m comfortable, you can continue,” she adds with a smirk.
“You knew it was coming, Kate. He was getting too attached. You saw him Saturday night at the bar. I loved that he went caveman on me, but that’s just it. He’s been pushing me bit by bit ever since I agreed not to see anyone else.”
Kate lies there for a minute, staring at me with soft, understanding eyes. The same eyes that were there four years ago when I hid myself away in my room for a week. “I knew this would happen. That boy was smitten the moment he met you. I kinda hoped you’d let him in, Mac.”
“I wanted to, I just couldn’t trust it.”
“Trust what?”
“The butterflies, the racing heartbeat, the way I always feel safe with him. Everything Daniel gives me feels so right, but I just can’t trust it. I know I’d either f**k it up, or he’d break my heart. So I ended it before either of us got hurt.”
“You know what he wants, Mac. You’re just not ready to give it to him, or amazingly, not even willing to consider it. Something has to give.”
“But he’s my apple pie, Kate,” I say with a pout, pretending to stamp my feet at the same time.
“He’s the warm apple pie that wants the whipped cream on top. And unless it’s in the bedroom, you’re not interested in being anyone’s cream right now, whipped or otherwise.”
I scoff. I can’t even think of a dirty comeback right now. Shit, I’ve really done a number on myself.
“You should’ve seen his face, Kate. The things he said. He said that he’s been waiting for me to catch up. He said he couldn’t even hate me for doing this.” I swallow down the lump rising in my throat.
“Hon, I think you’ve made a mistake this time. But I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you.”
“Maybe I’m broken. Maybe my stupid vow just made me push away a good man, Kate,” I say forlornly.
“Are you going in to work?” she asks, sitting up and leaning against the headboard.
“Nope. My head feels like a freight train is running through it, and I just can’t play ‘nice nurse’ today. Not feeling like this. I feel…. I dunno, lost?”