“It just is.”
The pain in his eyes made her shrivel with guilt. But he made her feel so unwanted, so unloved. Like she was a burden forced on him, not a lover or even a girlfriend. Again she felt as if everything was right there in front of her face, but she was missing the one thing she needed to tie it all together.
“Why?” Her voice broke. “Tell me why it’s wrong. I just need to understand. Please.”
He closed his eyes. “No. I can’t.”
“Damn it, Tony, you’re torturing me!”
“I’m not trying to!” he snarled. “I don’t know what I’m doing! I never wanted to be a hero, okay?” His fist slammed down on the counter. “I’m no good at it. I’m no good at being needed. At protecting someone. But I’m trying to be and you just keep…keep pushing me, when I can’t! I can’t touch you. I won’t. So stop pressuring me and just leave me alone.”
Rebecca rocked back. Her heart crumbled into cold little fragments. Tears blurred her vision. She stumbled off the barstool. “Oh. I see.”
She turned away. He caught her arm. “Rebecca, wait!”
“Let go!” She ripped her arm free and glared at him. “I get it, okay? I get it. You don’t want me. Or maybe you do but you’ve got some—some sick thing going on in your head, and you want to make me another Jane. I don’t know. I can’t know when every time we have this conversation, you change your story. But I’ll stop being your problem. You don’t have to be my hero when I never asked you to.”
“Rebecca!”
She bolted into the living room with his voice on her heels. Through a haze of tears, she shoved her feet into her sandals. She’d just go. She had enough change in her pocket to take the bus, and maybe someone at the hospital could point her to a good rehabilitation house for unwanted amnesiacs. She couldn’t stay here anymore.
She turned to stalk toward the bedroom, but Tony blocked her way. His body filled the narrow hall.
“Please. Let me explain.”
She glared up at him mutinously. “You’ve explained more than enough. Actions speak louder than words, and I get a much clearer message from your actions.” She shoved his chest. “Now move.”
He flinched, but remained steady. “No.”
“No?”
His jaw tightened. “No. I won’t let you run because of my stupidity. I’ll tell you the truth. The whole truth. But you have to promise you’ll believe me.”
“Like I believed every other lie you’ve told me?”
“I’m not lying!” He swore and ran his hand through his hair, gripping handfuls. “I’ve just been…avoiding something. Something pretty big. Something that’ll be hard for you to believe.”
Rebecca narrowed her eyes. “Stop trying to protect me. I’m not a child.”
“No, but you are a—” He sighed. “I can’t even say it.”
“What am I?” She flung a hand out. “A druggie? A charity case? What am I that makes me so unfit to be worthy of your love?”
“You aren’t the one who’s unfit.” He sagged. Defeat was an almost visible weight on his shoulders. “I’m not fit for you, Rebecca.”
“You’ve said that before. But then you act like I’m contaminated if I touch you. You act like you don’t want me here.”
“I do. I want you here too much. More than I should.”
“You aren’t making any sense, Tony. What do you want from me?”
“I want you to be happy. And…and being happy may mean walking away from me. I’m having more trouble dealing with that than I thought I would.”
He sank down on the couch, moving heavily. Rebecca watched him. Frustration ate at her—frustration and fear. What was she, that he couldn’t even stand to tell her?
“You’re just confusing me even more.”
Tony took a deep breath. Stark terror colored his eyes, until he looked away from her. “Stay calm. No matter what I say, please, stay calm. I am not crazy. Neither are you.”
Rebecca’s stomach lurched. She sat down to perch on the very edge of the couch. “Now you’re just scaring me.”
“I’m trying not to.”
“Then spit it out before I kick your ass.”
He smiled without humor. “There you go again. Maybe I’ve already failed.”
“I won’t know until I know what you’re talking about.”
“I’m getting there. I really am.” Tony rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I’m just so afraid of losing you. And after this, I know I will. I’ve been trying so hard to figure out how to make you choose me, but I can’t. I can’t make you do anything, so I have to let you go and figure out how to pick up my life without you. It’s a hard prospect to face, but I can’t lie anymore. If you can’t remember what you are…”
“Stop talking about me like I’m some kind of alien species!” The tears were burning again, and she clenched her fists. “You keep saying ‘what I am.’ Like I’m a freak. Like I’m sick, or crazy. Like I’m abnormal.”
He flinched. “…I hurt you once by calling you just that.”
“Why?” No answer. She couldn’t stop shaking. Her fear built into a smothering thing that stole her breath. “Tony, why am I abnormal?”
“Because,” he said, and God, he sounded like a man facing the hangman’s noose. “You’re an—”
A knock rattled the door. Rebecca jumped. Tony’s eyes darted to the door, and a guilty flush reddened his face. He stood.
“Don’t.” She reached for his hand. “Don’t answer it. Tell me.”
The knock came again, shaking the door in its frame, the sound harsh and judgmental. Tony paled. “I’ll be right back.”
He drew out of her reach and headed for the door.
“Coward,” she said.
“Don’t.” He gave her a sharp look and reached for the doorknob. “Don’t even. You don’t know—” He stopped, staring through the doorway. He began to shake.
Rebecca stood. Unease made her queasy. “Tony? What is it?”
“Hello, Anthony,” a woman’s voice said, and Rebecca’s unease turned into sick horror. Tony swore.
“Son of a bitch.”
Chapter Ten