I play pretty fucking well through almost the entire game, but only when it veers toward the end does it really matter. The crowd is going wild. Everyone is screaming, hollering, cheering me on, including Callie, Seth, and Greyson, who I know are sitting close to the front, supporting me like they always do. There are players lined up on both sides, me at the back, ready to catch the snap. The lights are bright above me, but there’s a shadow cast over me that no one else can see. We’re one touchdown away from winning and there’s less than a minute on the clock. The pressure is on me to do well, my teammates, my coach, the entire stadium waiting for me to make the perfect throw. But it’s small in comparison to the voice I hear in my head.
My father’s.
It’s gotten worse since Dylan found him, now shouting instead of whispering.
Run!
Make the perfect throw!
Winning the fucking game!
I hear the snap.
Feel the rush.
Here the scream.
You better make this!
It echoes through my head.
I feel the ball touch my hands and I run back, searching for an opening. My heart is pounding in my chest as players move around the field and I’m aware of them all. But not as aware as I am of the voice inside my head.
You better not fuck this up!
There’s no clean throw.
Everyone is covered.
The clock is ticking.
My heart is pounding.
You better not mess this up, Kayden!
I move to the right, and run, my feet hammering against the grass as I focus on one thing – outrunning that damn voice. My feet move faster than they ever have as I dodge to the left then the right. There are people in front of me, behind me, coming at me from different directions, but I focus on the end zone. It’s all that matters. And as the clock continues to tick, a player grabbing at me from the back, I jump across that line.
Touchdown!
The crowd goes crazy! My team goes crazy! Everyone is running at me. We won! We won! We won!
But I feel like I’ve lost somehow because in the end I can still hear that damn voice.
You could have done better.
After I’m showered and changed, I head out of the locker room even though my team’s begging me to go out.
‘Come on, man,’ Tyrel Buliforton, the end back says as I sling my bag over my shoulder and head for the door. ‘You played fucking awesome. We need to go celebrate.’
I shake my head. ‘Nah, I already got plans,’ I lie because all I want to do is find Callie and hold her, knowing it’ll help me leave the voice of my father behind.
‘For someone who made the winning touchdown, you sure look super depressed,’ Luke Price, my best friend, says as he follows me out of the locker room, zipping up his coat. Luke’s been my best friend since we were kids and has his own problems with his parents. We don’t talk about it, though. I think he saves it for his girlfriend, Violet, just like I do with Callie.
‘You’re not going out either,’ I tell him as we step outside and into the cold.
He shrugs. ‘Partying isn’t … or can’t be my thing anymore, being a recovering alcoholic and all.’
‘You doing okay with that?’ I ask, tugging my fingers through my damp hair as I search for Callie in the crowd of people loitering around, wearing the school colors.
‘Yeah, but I know myself enough to know that I’ll be doing okay just as long as I go home and not out.’ He stuffs his hands into his pockets and then grins as he spots Violet leaning against a post not too far from us. It’s funny, but he never really smiles except for when he’s with her.
I wonder if it’s the same way with me when I’m with Callie.
As if to answer my own question, Callie emerges from the crowd, shoving her way through the last of the people, and a big smile rises on my face.
‘Hey you,’ she says, rushing up to me as some guy hoots and hollers from the crowd. ‘You played great.’
‘Yeah … I could have done a little better, though.’ I wrap my arms around her when she reaches me and I pull her tight against me. Her warmth spreads across my body and I breathe in the peace.
‘You did perfect,’ she whispers in my ear and then leans back. ‘We should celebrate.’
‘I did okay,’ I press. ‘Not perfect.’
Her lips curve to a frown. ‘No sulking or I’ll have to force you to do fun things until you’re laughing so hard you pee your pants.’
I laugh at her, brushing the pad of my thumb across her bottom lip. ‘All right, you win,’ I say. ‘I played perfect.’
Her lips turn upward again and there’s a sparkle in her eyes that matches the stars above us. ‘You fucking kicked ass.’
I can’t help myself. I bust up laughing. Callie rarely swears so when she does, it’s hilarious. ‘Oh my God, it’s so funny when you say fuck.’
She grins, but her cheeks turn the slightest shade of pink. ‘I knew that one would get you to laugh.’
‘You always manage to,’ I say, no longer finding our conversation funny but personal and intimate. ‘And actually I was thinking we could pick up takeout and then go hangout at our place.’
‘Our place.’ She says the words slowly, letting them roll off her tongue. ‘That sounds like a great idea to me to celebrate if that’s okay. Maybe Luke and Violet could come hang.’ I glance over at the two of them chatting near the front of the crowd. ‘It might be nice now that you and Violet are getting along.’
Callie nods. ‘Sounds perfect.’ She threads her fingers through mine and pulls me away from the stadium – away from my father’s voice – and by the time we reach the car, it’s disappeared completely.
I just wish it would stay that way.
Chapter 17
#157 Get to Know Your Family Even When It Seems Impossible.
Kayden
Callie and I managed to move in a few things before we had to part ways for Thanksgiving, but between work and school, we still have a ways to go. We do get to spend one night in our apartment together, cuddled up on a blanket and watching movies on my laptop, before she drops me off at the airport so I can fly out to Virginia for Thanksgiving.
I’m not happy about spending the holiday without her, but I understand she needs to go home and see her brother while I need to go see mine. It’s part of growing and getting better, I guess – learning how to do things on your own. I just wish doing things on my own meant I could still hold Callie’s hand because it feels weird without her near me.