“You don’t sound hopeful.”
“Meh.” I shrugged, leading the way upstairs. “I’m just getting a head start on becoming a crazy cat lady.”
When we got in, Angus and Kia weren’t home; with both of them trying to get into med school, they stayed long hours in the science annex, even more in the medical library studying for tests on subjects that would probably make me choke on my own bile. Noise from downstairs drew me out on the balcony, where I spotted Nadia and her boyfriend cooking out on the patio. The kid was playing with toy cars, crashing them together on the cement. She glanced up and waved, beckoning me down, but I shook my head and wandered back inside.
“I have an awesome idea,” Max told me.
“Does it involve two rubber gloves, three feet of medical tubing and a bucket of fresh, warm bacon grease?”
Both his brows shot up, and for, like, thirty seconds, he seemed as if he wasn’t sure if he should laugh or run. “You’re a freak, you know that, right?”
“Hey, don’t judge unless you’ve rolled around in my savory oils.”
“Okay, we’re backing this bus up. Idea, remember?” He was on the other side of the breakfast bar, rummaging in the fridge.
“Lay it on me.” Perching on a stool, I produced a semi-serious expression and propped my chin in my palm.
“I know tons of people, that’s kind of my superpower. By the end of this semester, I’m finding you the perfect person.”
The sheer awfulness of it took, like, a minute to sink in. I couldn’t let on, not with him looking so happy, so excited about the prospect of fixing me up. For a few confused, horrible seconds, I thought for sure he knew about my weird feelings while we’d traveled together and that this was his way of making it 100 percent clear we’d never be anything but bros, no matter how many times we saw each other half-naked, talked in bed or snuggled up like puppies. Really, this was karma, considering how I’d made Amy feel. It’s not like you’re in love with him anyway. And this didn’t come as a complete surprise. If Max was interested, he treated a girl much differently than he did Nadia and me. He called us both by our last names, unlike Lauren.
“Pass,” I managed.
“Don’t you trust me?” Hurt deepened his voice.
“It’s not about that. I can find my own dates, dude.”
“But...I want to help.”
My jaw clenched around caustic words I wouldn’t be able to unsay if they escaped. “Thanks anyway.”
He seemed like he might argue, but he took another look at me and apparently thought better of it. “You hungry?”
“Nah. I need a shower, then I have some work to do.”
With that, I hopped off the stool and strolled to my room as if my throat weren’t tightening with every step. Somehow I closed the door quietly behind me and retreated farther, bathroom, another door. The ache swelled to horrendous proportions as if a tentacle-beast was fighting its way out of my neck. Operating on automatic, I stripped and turned on the water, climbed into the tub and closed the tropical fish shower curtain behind me. When the warm spray hit me, I broke. Dropping into a crouch, I wrapped my arms around my knees and cried.
I didn’t entirely know why this hurt so much, just scrambled feelings fighting for supremacy: shame, anguish, embarrassment. Does he feel sorry for me? I could stand anything but that. I’d gone through a lot of shit, but through it all, I kept my chin up. I kept pushing forward even when I didn’t want to.
Sure, Max. Find me somebody to love, someone who loves me back.
I cried harder.
My eyes were red as fire and the water was like ice when I finally crawled out and wrapped up in a towel. Part of me wanted to sit on the toilet and cry more, but if I’d survived losing Eli, then this was just another bump in the road. Some people were born under a golden star; obviously I wasn’t one of them, but it didn’t mean I’d roll over and give up.
He didn’t mean to hurt you, Eli said.
The WTF of it, my dead boyfriend was right. But it didn’t make me feel all better. I got dressed, toweled off my hair and then curled up on my bed with my tablet. I hadn’t lied when I’d said I had assigned reading. I worked through half of it before Kia came in.
“Studying hard?” she asked, tossing her backpack toward the bed.
“Trying to. Really, I just want to go to sleep.”
“It’s nine-thirty.”
There would be questions soon if I didn’t chuck a red herring at her. “It’s just been one of those days. My ex ambushed me and insisted that we talk.”
“Oh, shit. Duncan’s tried to make me listen, too. I run if I see him coming.”
“Maybe that’s a better idea.”
“It’s all I have time for. I’m done until I get into med school.”
“What do you want to specialize in?”
“Trauma surgery.”
“Wow. That’s unexpected.”
She cocked a teasing brow at me. “What, because I’m a woman I have to deliver babies?”
“If it’s personal, you don’t have to tell me. But I’m just wondering about your choice.” I could’ve made a joke, but I wanted to get to know her better.
“My older brother was shot when I was a kid. He died on the operating table. I’ve always wondered if a better doctor could’ve saved him. Maybe not, you know? They say they did everything possible, but—”
“You wonder. It’s normal.”
“So I want to save people. That’s all. That’s why.”
“Thanks for telling me.”
She shrugged, setting books on her bed, presumably the ones she needed to read tonight. “You’re a good listener.”
“I’m putting that on my résumé.” On that note, I rolled over and got under the covers.
“I can read in the living room if the light will bother you.”
Lazily I waved the common cold virus at her, then hugged it to my chest. “You’re fine. I can sleep through pretty much anything.”
Then I pretended to drift off, though I was just staring at the wall. Angus came to the doorway, whispered to Kia, then she shooed him out. Since I knew him so well, it didn’t surprise me when Max showed up a little later.
“Would you two find something to do?” Kia murmured. “Courtney’s asleep.”
“But...she didn’t have dinner.”
“She’s grown. She’ll eat when she’s hungry. Go play a game.”