“No. I make it a habit to review every student I teach, even in classes this size.”
“I give you a gold star for effort, but I’m good. Thanks.” With a cheery wave, I headed out, not waiting to hear how he’d reply.
Best guess—for reasons known only to him—he’d intended to offer to find me an internship in return for some game of naughty professor and undergrad, or maybe offer to mentor me, use me to grade his papers and monitor his classes in return for same. But I wasn’t interested in the prize at the bottom of that box. As I hurried toward the front doors, I forgot Amy was waiting. So she startled me by falling into step.
I covered my surprise with a smile. At least I don’t have to call Angus. Or worse, take the bus. Max would be working until six, at least, so he couldn’t pick me until later, even if I begged. Not that I would. After the road trip, I needed to get my head right.
“The Pour House?” she asked.
I’d always thought that was a clever name for a coffee shop filled mostly with college students. The location was perfect, part of the small food court on campus, though unlike most of the food stands, it wasn’t a chain. They had actual arm chairs, too, if you were lucky enough to snag one. I’d been known to buy juice and circle on cold or rainy days.
“Yeah. Do you want the usual?”
“I invited you, so I’m buying.”
Since I didn’t want to be here, arguing would only prolong the inevitable. Yet as she walked to the counter, I admired the curve of her legs, her ass and the swing of her shiny chestnut hair. Amy might be needy but she was also gorgeous, an empirical truth she found impossible to accept. It was late enough that I found us a table right away, not as cozy as a pair of padded chairs; that was better for conducting a conversation quickly. The public venue reassured me, too. If she got dramatic, I’d have witnesses about how it went down at least.
A few minutes later, she brought her skinny latte and my apple juice. “Thanks. So what did you want to talk about?”
“Us.” She headed off my instinctive protest by raising a hand. “I know, that’s over. But I need to apologize for the way I reacted when we broke up.”
“It was pretty awful,” I admitted.
And still is.
To this day, because I looked a certain way and Amy didn’t, people dyke-coughed when I walked by. You’d think that mentality wouldn’t survive college, but some people never outgrew the inner asshole. The last time it happened, Max nearly beat some guy into the ground and came pretty close to being arrested. I hunched my shoulders.
“It’s not an excuse, but...I was so much more into you than you were me. No matter how hard I tried, you didn’t let me all the way in, and it made me a little crazy.” She gnawed her lip, obviously repentant. “Again, not a good enough reason. Plus, I had some things to figure out.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“The thing is, Courtney...I’m not bi-curious. I’ve had a couple of boyfriends, and it never felt right. I didn’t even like sex until you... Until we—”
“Oh.” I shifted, taking a sip of my drink to cover my astonishment. Unless I’d completely misread the subtext, she was coming out to me. Why, I had no idea.
“Don’t look so worried. I’m not planning to make your life miserable. I’m with Elena now, and it’s good.” She paused, then added, “There’s no wall between us.”
Maybe she had a point there. In our relationship, I never really tried to love her because most of me didn’t want to. The sex was fantastic, but after a while she’d picked up on how emotionally detached I was. For me, it was good orgasms and time spent hanging out while Amy was kind of falling in love. I hadn’t meant to hurt her.
“I’m sorry if I made you think, if I implied—”
“You didn’t. I just wanted more than you could give. When you realized and broke it off, I reacted horribly. I wish I could get a do-over. This time, I’d be mature and understanding, then when you saw me later, you’d be all, ‘There’s my gorgeous ex. I can’t believe I let her get away,’ instead of wearing the oh-no-it’s-crazy-Amy face every time our paths cross.”
“So basically you just want to make peace?” I could live with that. There was no undoing the damage her lies had inflicted but it didn’t serve any purpose to nurse a grudge. Shining a light on my love life since Eli died didn’t leave me feeling very cheerful, either. No matter who I hooked up with, I shied away, over and over again, from emotional intimacy.
“I’m not even asking for us to be friends. I just wanted to say I’m sorry and clear my conscience. Elena thinks I need closure.”
“Then consider us closed. Do you mind taking me home now?”
“Not at all.”
I had to give her directions, which was reassuring. If she’d honestly moved on and started a healthy relationship, she had no reason to pay attention to where I lived. Hell, maybe I could learn from her since I’d been trapped in a holding pattern for years. I thanked her and hopped out of the car outside our apartment. Max was parking his motorcycle as Amy turned around.
He jogged over to me wearing an incredulous expression. “Tell me you’re not back with Crazy Amy.”
“Don’t call her that. She just wanted to say she’s sorry.”
“Sure. Then she’ll be leaving dead cats on our doorstep.”
“She had her reasons for being pissed when we broke up.” I couldn’t feel good about laying all the blame on her anymore. It would make anyone feel shitty to realize they were just a warm body in my bed and I was killing time.
“I don’t give a fuck. She hurt you, I’ve heard you crying. So I don’t care what she was thinking or feeling, and I never will.”
“Okay, settle down. Have you been drinking Red Bull? It always makes you fractious.”
He balled up a fist. “This isn’t funny, Kaufman. Promise me you’re not going out with her again, ever.”
“Easy. She’s got a girlfriend. That was...closure.” Stupid word, but he relaxed visibly.
“Don’t scare me like that. You deserve someone a thousand times more awesome, someone you can love like you did Eli.”
I flinched a little at hearing Max say his name so unexpectedly. “I’m not sure that’s possible. I mean, first love... It’ll never be that way again. But maybe it’ll be...I dunno, completely different but just as good.”