“I have thought about it! Every damn day! Every time I close my eyes you’re there. Every time I open them, too.”
“Bax, we’re best buddies. We grew up together. I’ll always be there for you and you’ll always be there for me. Don’t...make it awkward.”
“It’s already awkward for me, and you know it. At least see me for who I am instead of who you want me to be. Half the time I feel f**king invisible around you!”
Not only was he cursing, he was screaming. Something had just...snapped inside him.
Noah turned to see if the girls had heard. They were watching them as if they didn’t know what to do. But Noah couldn’t care too much about them. He could tell that his whole world was about to shift. He needed to make sure it didn’t, needed to put a lid on this.
“Bax, look...” He paused, trying to calm down. “You’ve had too much to drink. We both have. That’s all. Don’t do this to me—”
He jerked away. “To you? Do you know what it’s been like watching you sleep with one girl after another? To see you look at them the way I want you to look at me?”
Oh, God! Did he really say that? Noah knew it was too late, but he couldn’t help trying to control the damage. “Bax, you know me. You know I’m not g*y. Don’t put me in this position. If you...if you like men, that’s your deal, I guess. I’ll accept it. Of course I will. I would never want to live my life without you. But I can’t... I mean, I don’t feel...”
Baxter filled in as he struggled to find the right words. “The longing I’ve felt? No, I’m sure you don’t. You have no idea what it’s like to be me.”
Noah had lost his buzz. He felt light-headed, but sick. “What can I do?”
“I don’t want you to do anything. I’m leaving.”
“You’re drunk. You can’t drive.” Noah started after him but stopped when Baxter swung back.
“On second thought, since this is goodbye, you might as well give me what you gave her so easily. At least it’ll be something to remember you by.”
“What are you talking about?” The girls, watching in such stunned amazement, distracted Noah enough that he wasn’t prepared for what came next. He was too busy trying to think of some way to stop the destruction that was taking place, some way to save their friendship. Baxter meant much more to him than this date or those girls. But he didn’t feel anything sexually for him. He couldn’t even understand how Baxter could be attracted to men.
He opened his mouth to say he was sorry for dragging him up here, to admit that he’d suspected for a while and should’ve been more honest with himself. But the next thing he knew, Baxter was pushing him up against the wall and kissing him with as much passion as Lisa had.
Noah’s first impulse was to throw Baxter off him at all costs. Rage charged through his veins like acid. He didn’t want this kind of contact, found the sexual aspect of it stomach-churning. But pushing Baxter away would hurt and humiliate him. And he cared enough about his best friend not to show how deep his repugnance went. He stiffened, but he neither welcomed nor rejected the kiss.
When Baxter pulled back, he seemed surprised. “Well, you didn’t break my jaw like I expected. That was decent of you,” he said and, head bowed, shoulders slumped, he walked out.
Noah slid down the wall to the floor. What had just happened? Had he really been kissed by a guy? By his own best friend?
“Holy shit,” he whispered, but as his shock faded, his regret escalated. This was his fault. He shouldn’t have brought Baxter up here. He’d pushed him into declaring himself by trying to force him to behave like a regular dude, all in an effort to perpetuate the illusion he’d been clinging to for so long. But he knew, had known for some time, that Baxter’s sexual orientation wasn’t the same as his. No matter how hard he’d tried to ignore the signs, or talk himself out of what he was sensing, it was always there, wasn’t it?
The door from the deck opened and closed as the girls came in. “Did...did your friend really just stick his tongue down your throat?” Lisa asked, obviously horrified. “I mean...he did, right? I saw him. I saw him with my own eyes.”
Noah covered his face as he struggled to hold down his dinner. He didn’t know what made her think her tongue was any better than anyone else’s, and yet, if he was being honest with himself, he was every bit as grossed out as she was. He prided himself on being open-minded. He respected an individual’s right to live as he saw fit. But...shit, he felt as if he’d been sexually assaulted!
“Please go,” he said. “And don’t...don’t ever call me again.”
“I won’t now that I know you’re g*y,” she snapped. “Why didn’t you tell me you have a boyfriend?”
He raked his fingers through his hair. “I don’t have a boyfriend.” He’d had a best friend, one he’d known since he could talk, but he was ninety-nine percent sure he didn’t have that friend anymore.
“As if we can believe you.” Yvonne rolled her eyes. “What’s wrong with guys these days?” she muttered in exasperation. “All the hot ones are g*y.”
He didn’t get the chance to defend his masculinity. But he didn’t care to even try. Lisa and Yvonne had no idea how much his friendship with Baxter had meant to him over the years and how much he’d miss it in the future. As far as Noah was concerned, Baxter had become a brother to him. In some aspects, he’d replaced Cody.
Why couldn’t Bax feel the same? Why did they have to turn out so different?
Since this is goodbye....
Baxter never would’ve kissed him, certainly not like a lover, if he’d planned on maintaining the friendship. That he’d take it so far, that he’d let his feelings tempt him into crossing that line, upset Noah more than anything else.
Lisa had been getting her keys out of her purse. When she lifted her head, she said, “I need gas money.”
He blinked up at her. “What?”
“You’re the one who had us drive all the way up here for nothing. I think you owe me a few bucks.”
He’d fed her a nice dinner. That wasn’t nothing. “You can’t be serious.”
“I’m completely serious!”
Could he have drunk more than he thought? Because this night just kept getting crazier.
He managed to dig a twenty out of his pocket, which he threw in her general direction. Then he got up and scooped his keys off the counter. He had to go after Baxter, get him off the road before he hurt himself or someone else. They could sort everything else out later. Once they’d both had a chance to...to calm down and sober up.