“Maybe we could go to a store if you wanted to get some flowers?”
“Maybe next time.” I looked around at all the graves and felt my heart beating fast. Death was all around me. It made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to think about all the people I knew who had died. Sometimes I thought that it should have been me. That was something Anna and I had in common. I was worried about her. I realized that now. She was exhibiting signs of need. She needed someone to pay attention to her. I felt guilty. I was keeping Lexi away from her for my own selfish reasons.
“Do you want to be alone?”
“No.” Yes. I wanted her to walk away. I needed to be alone in this moment. I needed to talk to Eddie, honestly. I needed to cry. I needed to scream and shout. I missed the hell out of him. I wanted to apologize. I wanted him to know that I didn’t think he was sick. I hadn’t told Lexi everything; I hadn’t been able to tell her the real reason why we had stopped speaking. I was ashamed of myself. And I wanted to say sorry. I wanted to go back and change my reaction.
“He was a nice guy,” she mumbled. “Before that night, I thought he was okay. You know. That’s why I went with him. He was always such a sincere guy, even though he was one of you.”
“He was really special.” I looked past her and stared at the trees surrounding the gravesite. Eddie would have liked this place. He loved nature. His ghost was most probably climbing one of the trees right now.
“We should have a mini-service.”
“What?”
“I read about it once in a book. We can have our own mini-service.”
“Are you sure?” I looked at her in surprise. “Won’t that be hard for you?”
“No.” She let out a breath. “Actually no. Someone wise once told me, the people with the biggest scars are most probably the ones that you don’t see. Something had to be bothering him. Even that night, when everything happened he seemed like he was on something.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I don’t know. His eyes seemed manic.” She looked away. “He didn’t even seem to want me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. I can’t really explain it.”
“Let’s have a service for him, then.” I got down on my knees and traced my hands over his name.
“I guess I’ll play reverend.” She rubbed my shoulder. “Shall we start with the Lord’s Prayer?”
“If you think we should.”
“Or maybe we’ll start with a song.”
“Whatever you think.”
“All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small...” She began singing sweetly and I stood up and watched her as she sang. I joined her in the chorus and we held hands as we sang.
“He’s got the whole world in his hands, he’s got the whole wide world in his hands...” I continued with the next song and Lexi sang along with me.
We stood there for a few moments after the song and I cleared my throat. I realized that I was no longer anxious. Lexi had distracted me from my panic and I felt my heart swell with love for her. It seemed that there was nothing Lexi couldn’t make right in my life.
“God, I want to know that Eddie is okay.” I started slowly and I looked up at the sky. It was a clear day and the open expanse of blue made me feel like he was right up there, looking down on me and listening. “I want Eddie to get this message, please. I want him to know that I miss him. More than he ever would have guessed. Tell him that he got me good. I told him to never contact me again, but now all I hope for is to see him turn up at my door or to call me with some new kooky idea. I never had a friend like Eddie before, God. I never had someone who had my back no matter what, who knew all of me and loved me. I never had anyone love me like Eddie, God. I want you to tell him that I loved him, too. Not in the way that he wanted, but I loved him too. God, please forgive me. There’s a saying I heard, I don’t know if it’s from the bible or a book, but it says forgive them for they don’t know what they do.”
“Jesus said that.” Lexi smiled at me, gently, and I tried to smile back at her, but I was too overcome with emotion.
“God, I didn’t know what I was doing, what I was saying. Please tell Eddie that. I regret the words I used. I would never say that to anyone again. I should have been there for him. God, I’m sorry.” I fell to my knees again, with tears streaming down my face. “I f**ked up. I f**ked up!” I shouted into the air and I felt Lexi jump as my voice grew louder. “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me, Eddie. Please forgive me, man. I love you. And you are my brother. I was in a bad place, man. I miss you.” I fell forward and cried into the dirt.
Lexi stepped towards me and rubbed my shoulder. “Eddie, if you’re out there I want you to know that I forgive you. Bryce told me about the plan you guys had. I can’t say that I fully understand, but I forgive you. I always thought you were a nice guy. And I know what it’s like to have dark days.”
My breath caught as Lexi spoke. How could one person be soo wonderful? It wasn’t possible for someone to be so angelic. I didn’t really believe in God and in heaven and in Jesus. I mean, who could live in the world and see so much lying and treachery and heartache and believe? But I wanted to. And when I met people like Lexi I believed. I truly believed.
“Eddie. I’m soo sorry that you were hurting so much that you thought this was the only way. I hope you are watching over Bryce. I know you are watching over him. Thank you for keeping him safe.”
I stood up and grabbed her hand and kissed her on the cheek. “Thanks, Lexi. Thanks.” We stood there in silence for a few moments and a Goldfinch landed on the top of his grave and whistled. I stared at the bird and felt an overwhelming calmness center in me.
“Let’s go.” I felt light as we walked through the cemetery and I picked Lexi up and swung her around in the parking lot. “I love you, Lexi Lord. I love you soo much.”
She laughed as I put her down and she clung to me. “I’m dizzy,” she hiccupped, and I laughed as I kissed her.
“You are the cutest, most precious girl I’ve ever had the fortune to meet.”
“I’m a woman, Mr. Evans,” she pouted.
“You’ll always be my special girl,” I laughed as she hit me on the shoulder. I took a deep breath and realized that, for the first time in a long time, I felt happy and alive and like nothing could ever ruin my mood.