“I’ve been jealous of her for so long, you know. She and Luke have been so close and I always feel like the third wheel, but I’ve won the real prize. I lost my virginity to you and now here we are, together.” She giggled and stared at me under her lashes.
“What did you just say?”
“Which part?”
“Nothing.” I didn’t want to hear any of those words again. She had been a virgin? How many virgins at twenty-two were there in Jonesville? And she thought we were together? I didn’t know what to say. This could not be happening to me. Anna was a sweet girl and a pretty girl, but she wasn’t the girl I wanted to be with.
“Do you want to go for breakfast before you take me home?”
“Uhm, I can’t. Sorry.” There was no way I wanted anyone to see me in public with Anna. What if they guessed what had happened and it got back to Lexi? OMG, what if Anna told Lexi? I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. Lexi was the one who had sent me the letters. It made so much sense to me now. No wonder she felt my pain about my dad, it was the same pain she felt.
“Oh.” She tapped her fingers across the window. “Maybe you’d like to come to dinner with me and my dad tonight? You could meet my pets.”
“That sounds nice, but I don’t think so.” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry Anna, I…”
“Don’t say it.” She gave me a pained smile. “I should have known you weren’t ready to date yet.”
“Well, that’s not exactly what…”
“Bryce. It’s okay. I just want to forget last night ever happened.”
“I am so sad, Anna. I took my pills and mixed them with alcohol. I was out of it.”
“Well then.” I could see tears brimming in her eyes.
“I didn’t mean it like that. You are a beautiful woman, Anna, any guy would be happy to have you.”
“Not the ones I want.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Just take me home, please.” She huddled into the door. “I just want to go home.”
“Okay.” I started the engine again. I wanted to ask her to not tell anyone about what had happened, but I wasn’t sure how I could do that without coming off as even more of a prick.
“You don’t have to worry about me telling anyone either,” she whispered. “I’d rather Luke didn’t know.”
“I won’t say a word.” I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Thanks.” She turned away from me and we rode in silence until we pulled up to her house. “Can I ask you something, Bryce?”
“Sure.”
“Do you miss Eddie?” She cocked her head to the side and looked at me with a weird expression.
“Yes,” I said, softly. “Yes, I miss him a lot.”
“Even after what he tried to do with Anna?”
“Yes.” I looked away quickly. “Why are you asking?”
“I miss him.” She touched my arm and I looked up to see tears running through her eyes. “I really miss him.”
“I...” I paused, unsure of what to say next.
“I tutored him in maths.” She smiled, weakly. “He didn’t want anyone to know, so we never told anyone.”
“I didn’t know.”
“I fell in love with him.” She looked dejected. “I thought he was a better person, but then he tried to rape Lexi and I didn’t know what to say or do. He tried calling me a few times, but I ignored him.”
“I’m sure he understood why.”
“And then he killed himself.” She looked at me with pleading eyes. “Sometimes I think that, if I had just answered the phone and given him a shoulder to lean on, that maybe he’d still be here.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Anna.” I grabbed her hands. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I just never understood why he did that,” she cried out. “I loved him. I didn’t understand why he wanted her and not me.”
I looked at her, feeling her pain and confusion. It was a strange position that we were both in. “And then I feel like some evil human being. How can I be sad that the guy who tried to rape my best friend didn’t like me enough? I’m a mess.”
“Anna. You’re not a mess.”
“Sometimes I just want to die,” she whispered. “I’m always second best.”
“You’re not second best.”
She laughed, bitterly. “That’s rich coming from you, Bryce.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Anna.” I closed my eyes. “I’m not the guy you think I am. You’re better off being with someone who loves you.”
“But no one loves me.”
“Your dad loves you and Lexi loves you.” I rubbed my temples. “That’s two more people that love you and not me.”
“Oh, everyone loves you, Bryce Evans.” She laughed and wiped away her tears. “You’re the golden child of Jonesville.”
“But I shouldn’t be,” I said, under my breath.
“I should go,” Anna sighed. “My dad will be waiting for me.”
“Okay.” I watched her get out of the car and walk to her front door with a heavy heart. I was ashamed of myself for all the pain I had caused her. It wasn’t meant to be like this. I was meant to be different now. My return to Jonesville was meant to be the start of a new journey in my life but I was already screwing up. Only, this time, I had really, really screwed up. I needed to go and see Lexi. And I needed to tell her everything. I needed to tell her how much she meant to me. I needed to tell her I knew about the letters. And I needed to tell her about that night with Eddie. Even if it meant she never wanted to talk to me again.
“You need to tell her about Anna as well,” I mumbled to myself, under my breath and I felt my skin going clammy. But I knew I couldn’t tell her about Anna. That was something I didn’t think she would ever be able to forgive. And I needed her forgiveness. I needed her to accept me into her life. I needed her to heal me.
***
I drove to Lexi’s house. I knew where she lived because Eddie and I had followed her mom home one night, when we’d been spying on my dad. I had known that my dad was cheating, but I hadn’t known who with, and so Eddie and I had followed my dad for two weeks. I’d wondered what this lady had that my mother hadn’t and so we had followed her home. I’d been surprised when I’d seen her: she was pretty, but not prettier than my mother.