“You want to dance?” Robin made a face. “I did hear that correctly, right? You said you want to dance?”
“Yes.” I nodded and smiled. I pulled away from her, counted to three in my head and proceeded to waltz around the room by myself. Robin watched me with amazement in her eyes as I glided around the dining room, and I continued on with my movements, pretending to dip and twirl my invisible partner before finding my way back in front of her and dipping in a slow and low bow. As I straightened up, Robin’s eyes watched me mirthfully and she clapped enthusiastically, grinning at me as I pretended to preen at her adoration and praise.
“Encore, encore.” She laughed and I shook my head.
“Not unless I have a partner.”
“I’m not really a good ballroom dancer.” She made a face. “I’m more a getting low type of girl.”
“Getting low?”
“You know, to hip hop.” She laughed and did a dance move where she shook her hips as she moved down to the floor. I watched, mesmerized, as she moved her body rhythmically, and all I could think about was her moving that way on top of me. She stood up straight and looked at me quizzically as I just stood there staring at her, unspeaking.
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted her. I felt a connection with her that I’d never felt before but I had nothing to offer her. I was still in limbo; everything in my life was in flux. I wasn’t good enough for her. It wouldn’t be fair to her to try and start a relationship. It didn’t matter that my heart sung when she smiled at me with that happy but uncertain look in her eyes. It didn’t matter that I heard birds sing when she said my name. It didn’t matter that when I was with her I started to feel alive again.
“You do know what hip-hop is, right?” she asked uncertainly and I nodded, still unable to talk. I was transfixed by her beauty and the fragile air around her. Robin put on a good confident show, but I could tell that there was a lot more to her than the exterior she was showing me. Something told me that inside, she was made of glass and that she would shatter if I made one wrong move.
“Yes, yes. I know.” I finally spoke and took a step back. “I’ve jumped on it a few times.” I winked at her and she laughed as she got my little joke.
“Thanks for inviting me to dinner.” She looked away from me, and I knew she could sense the sudden awkwardness between us. I didn’t know what to say to her. Five minutes ago we were making out then we were arguing and then we were laughing and now we were in that awkward space that comes between two people who aren’t sure of what the other person is thinking.
“I’m so glad that you could make it.” I nodded, all thoughts of dancing gone from my mind. “Would you like to stay for dessert?”
“I should be going!” She shook her head and I saw a glimpse of an emotion close to fear in her eyes. “I have to practice my monologue for an audition,” she explained. “But it’s been really wonderful.”
“We should do it again.” I smiled at her, but our eyes didn’t connect. We had lost that special moment and now we were acting like two people who barely knew each other and didn’t want to get closer.
“Yes. Definitely. Please let Zane and Lucky know that I had a great time and thank them for the wonderful dinner.”
“Thank you for bringing the wine.” I nodded and walked with her to the front door. Part of me was prodding myself to say something, to not let the evening end like this. It had been a good night. We had a connection. I knew she had to feel it as well. I wondered what was holding her back. What was her story? I wanted to know everything about her. I wanted her to regain her trust in men. Let her know that she didn’t have to be on the defensive all the time. We weren’t all bad. I wanted to hold her close to me and let her warmth sink into me so that I no longer felt cold and lonely. Instead I opened the front door and gave her a big smile. “Good luck with the audition.”
“Thanks.” She nodded and fiddled with her car keys as she walked out the door.
“I’ll call you,” I lied as she smiled at me weakly and hurried away. I closed the door slowly and fell back, not sure what had happened to our easy rapport. It was as if both of us had sensed that we had chemistry but neither one of us was interested in moving forward with it. But it was more than that: it was as if both of us were interested but we were too scared to do anything about it.
“Hey, where’s Robin?” Lucky walked out from the dining area and looked around.
“She left.”
“She left?” Lucky frowned. “I just put the apple pie on the table. I even made homemade ice-cream with the Kitchen-Aid that Zane got me.”
“Sorry, she had to leave.” I walked towards her and took her arm in mine. “But I can eat her helping and mine if you want.”
“I don’t understand why she left.” Lucky looked at me with narrow eyes. “You guys were getting on so well. What happened?”
“I think we both realized that perhaps it’s best for us to not go down this road.”
“What road?” Lucky’s voice rose and she sounded annoyed. “This was barely a first date. No one’s asking you guys to get married. Get to know each other. Eat some pie.”
“It’s not that simple.” I rubbed my eyes, suddenly feeling very tired. “I think we both felt a connection and I think it scared us both. I’m not in any position to start a new relationship, Lucky. I don’t want to hurt her.”
“Why aren’t you in a position?” She sighed. “Do you want to get back with the girl you dated in Palm Bonita?”
“No.”
“Then what? You’re back here now, Noah. You’re not in Palm Bonita anymore. You have to move on with your life. You can’t live in the past. This is now. This is new. This is called moving forward. Nothing good happens if you stay stagnant.” She grabbed ahold of my shoulders and looked deeply into my eyes. “Trust me, you have to make a decision, Noah. You can let the past haunt you. You can keep all the secrets you want, but eventually it’s going to catch up with you. Eventually it’s going to be too much. Don’t let that happen. You need to live for you now. You need to live for the now. Stop holding in the hurt and pushing people away. One day you’re going to wake up and there’s going to be no one waiting anymore.”
She kissed me on the cheek and then walked away from me. I stood there contemplating her words. She was right. I needed to move on. But I knew I couldn’t move on without making everything right. I needed to try one more time to get Skylar. My conscience wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t.