“I didn’t know that you needed to start over.” He gave me a look. “Or are you being overly dramatic?”
“I want to talk to you about Mom.” I cut him off, no longer interested in small talk.
“Oh,” his face turned serious as he realized the gravity of our conversation.
“Before I went to Palm Bonita, I hired a private detective. I wanted help trying to find out what happened with Mom.”
“You never could give it up.” He laughed, but the lightness didn’t reach his eyes. His shoulders looked tense and I could see the strain in his face.
“Yeah. I couldn’t.” I sighed. “I always was a glutton for punishment.”
“So, you hired a detective?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “I gave him all the information I had, which wasn’t much, but he was able to find some leads. You see, she was in the system.”
“She was a criminal?” Zane looked shocked.
“No, she was in the immigration system. She applied for a visa when she moved to the States.”
“She wasn’t American?” Zane sat back in confusion.
“No. She was, or rather is, from France. She moved to the States to be an au pair. She was interested in being an actress as well, so that’s why she chose California. She thought she’d meet some hot actor or director and get into movies.”
“Oh.” He frowned. “How do you know this?”
“Sorry, I’m skipping ahead. So I hired the detective, and he found her in a couple of databases. He saw the visa application and some sealed mental records.”
“Mental records?”
“I mean patient records from a mental institute.”
“She was in a mental institute?” Zane’s eyes were wide. “Oh, God, don’t tell me we inherited some crazy gene from her. That’s all I need.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I think she suffered from depression, maybe bipolar as well. I don’t really know.”
“So she left us because she was depressed?”
“No.” I shook my head. “She had postpartum depression and she was scared she was going to harm us. I think she was close to a nervous breakdown. And, well, it didn’t help that she was with Dad.”
“I suppose not.” Zane ran his fingers through his hair. “I always wondered if she was depressed or something. I guess I never realized that would make someone leave her two sons. So the detective told you all this?”
“No, he gave me the contact information to a man she had listed on her visa application in France. Turns out that she had listed her father on the application and he still lived at that address.”
“How do you know?” He frowned at me. “Oh, is that when you went back to France?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “I tried to talk to you about it all, but you just weren’t interested and I didn’t want to force the conversation until I knew exactly what had happened. I was so excited, you know. I thought I was going to be able to arrange this happy family reunion.”
“That didn’t exactly work out.” Zane gave me a wry smile.
“Yeah, it didn’t.” I sighed. “But everything went crazy all at once. I went to Mexico on that weekend trip with Angelique and Braydon, and I called the FBI, and then I went on another trip to France and I met her and my brain was inundated with too much information. I was mad, and sad, and angry and scared and I didn’t know if I was coming or going.”
“So you just disappeared without saying anything.” Zane looked at me with an angry expression. “I never thought you were one to just run away.”
“I thought I was protecting you.” I sighed. “I don’t know why—”
“Why did she pretend she didn’t know me?” Zane cut me off. “And why does she still call you? It doesn’t make sense to me.”
“She’s not your mom.” I spurted it out and waited for him to explode.
“What are you talking about?” Zane frowned. “Of course she’s my mom. If she’s your mom, she’s my mom. We’re brothers, duh.”
“She’s not your biological mom, Zane.” I stared into his eyes and he stared back at me with a wild expression. “She was your au pair when you were a baby. She slept with Dad, and they started a relationship. As much as he could be in a relationship. And then she got pregnant with me and she thought she’d made it. But he still treated her like the au pair.”
“Who’s my mom, then?” Zane looked like a zombie as he spoke slowly. “Where’s my mom?”
I took a deep breath before I continued. This was the part I was dreading the most. “She’s dead, Zane. She died from complications during childbirth.”
“You mean my childbirth?” Zane looked dazed. “She died because she had me?” He sat back and closed his eyes, his fists clenched and I could see his chest heaving up and down.
“It wasn’t your fault, Zane. I saw the records. She had a pre-existing condition that the doctors missed. She would have died whether she had had you or not.”
“I killed my mother. And you’re not my brother.” He started laughing hysterically. “Any other surprises for me? Am I really from Pluto? Are you going to tell me that Lucky is a figment of my imagination as well?”
“Zane.” I said his name loudly and with authority. “Please. I didn’t want to tell you because I was scared you would lose it. But you can’t lose it, Zane. None of this is your fault.”
“How could you not tell me, Noah?” He jumped up from his chair. “How could you keep this from me?”
“I was scared.” I jumped up as well. “I didn’t want you to be hurt. I didn’t want you to take it the wrong way.”
“Take what the wrong way? I mean, why would I take it the wrong way? I’m not who I thought I am. My whole life has been a lie.” He paced back and forth. “I don’t even know who I am.”
“You know you’re still my big brother.” I said slowly. “You know you’re still the guy that went out of his way to find out what happened to me, and you dated a billion girls to seek revenge for my murder. You’re still the guy that promised me that you’d be by my side every day of my life. Remember that day when we pretended to camp in the backyard and you told me that as long as we both lived, I’d always have you?”