“Noah, that’s not fair.”
“You’re sticking up from him?” I said disbelievingly. “I thought you hated him.”
“I do hate him.” She sighed. “But he is still your father.”
“He’s my father only by way of my genes.” I scoffed. “He’s not my family. He doesn’t care about me.”
“But I care about you, Noah. I want to see you. Will you come visit your mama in Paris?”
“Do you want me to come alone, or to bring Zane and his fiancée Lucky with me?”
“I don’t even know who this Lucky person is.” Her voice sounded annoyed and vacant. “Why would I want to see her? I want to see my son.”
“You met Lucky when she went to Paris with Zane.” My voice was hard. “And yes, I know that you pretended you didn’t know who he was. How could you do that?”
“It was for your safety, my dear boy. I didn’t want to accidentally slip and tell them you were still alive. You told me that it was imperative that I told no one. Absolutely no one, you said. I was just doing as you said.”
“I didn’t tell you to pretend that you didn’t recognize your own son.” I shouted, angry that she could be so obtuse. “What sort of mother are you?”
“He is not my son, Noah.” Her voice was angry. “You are my son. You are my love. You are the one I have missed every day. You are my blood.”
“You raised Zane as well.” I shouted wanting to punch something hard. “He thinks you are his mother. He has happy memories of you.”
“It is a lie!” she cried. “I will not live a lie anymore. It was all too much. My life was a lie. I couldn’t take it. I won’t live a lie anymore.”
“You told him to look after me. You told him to be a good big brother and protect me.” I spoke words that I didn’t even know I was thinking. “It just doesn’t make sense.”
“He always looked after you.” She sighed. “I knew from the day that you were born that he would protect you with his life. You were safer with him than with me. I had postpartum depression, I couldn’t think straight. I was scared that I would hurt you. And I would never have been able to live with myself if I had hurt you, my precious son.”
“So you trusted and loved him enough to have him look after me when you walked away. He was a little kid, Mom. He didn’t do anything to you.”
“He was too much like your father.” Her voice quivered. “He looked just like your father. It was too much for me. Every time I looked at him, I felt a mixture of emotions. I wanted to love him. In my way, I tried to love him. I just couldn’t love him as I love you, my son. Please come to Paris and visit me. I miss you. I want to see you. Forgive me, Noah. Forgive me for leaving you. Forgive me for being a poor mother. Please understand that I’ve never stopped loving you. You have always been in my heart, just like the blood that pumps through my veins.”
“Zane is my family. It’s my turn to protect him now.” My voice was cold as I spoke into the phone. “I will not come to visit you. I will not have his heart broken.”
“Tell him, Noah,” she cried out. “You need to tell him the truth.”
“No.” I shook my head vehemently. “It would kill him.”
“He deserves to know the truth. You cannot hide it from him. It is not fair of you to play God.”
“It wasn’t fair when you walked out and left us brokenhearted. I won’t have him go through that again.”
“It is not my fault. I beg of you, Noah. Please come and see me.”
“If you cannot love my brother as your own, then you cannot love me.” I spoke slowly. “Goodbye, Mother.” I hung up the phone and powered it off, and sat on the bed just staring into space. A few minutes later, I heard a knock at the door and ignored it.
“Noah?” Lucky opened the door slowly, and poked her head around the door. She stood there hesitating. “Can I come in?”
“Not now.” I looked away from her, willing her to go away. I didn’t want to talk to anyone at that moment.
“We have to go the Johnsons’ now.” She stepped into the room. “They’re expecting us.”
“Shit, I forgot that was today.” I sighed and jumped up, still avoiding her gaze. “Okay, let’s go.”
“Noah, wait.” She bit her lip and walked over to me. She had tears in her eyes and as I studied her face, I could see that she looked distraught.
“Oh, my God, Lucky. What’s wrong?” I studied her face anxiously, worry for her consuming me. “Is it the babies?”
“No.” She sobbed and tears streamed from her eyes. “It’s not the babies.”
“What’s wrong, Lucky? Oh, my God, is it Zane? What happened to my brother?”
“It’s not Zane.” She started crying even more and I stared at her hopelessly.
“What is it, Lucky? What’s wrong? Oh, dear God, you’re not leaving my brother, are you?” Dread and fear filled me at the possibility. If Lucky left Zane, he would be devastated for the rest of his life. I knew that there was no way that he would ever get over losing Lucky.
“No.” She gave me a small smile. “Of course I’m not leaving him. I love him.”
“Lucky, you’re killing me here. What’s wrong?” I shook my head in exasperation. “Why are you crying?”
“I didn’t mean to listen.” She sobbed out. “I came to knock on your door to tell you that it was time to leave, but I heard you shouting, so I decided to wait until you got off the phone and I heard what you said.”
“What?” I froze still.
“I heard what you said, Noah.” Her eyes looked at me wildly and sorrowfully.
“I don’t know what you mean.” I shook my head and looked away from her.
“It’s true, isn’t it?” She sat on my bed and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “I guess it makes sense. I mean, not really, but it adds up.”
“I don’t know what …” I paused as she looked at me with her big brown eyes full of love and concern for me. “Okay, it’s true.” I sighed. “Zane and I don’t have the same mom.”
Chapter 9
“You have to tell him,” Lucky’s tears dried up on the car ride over to the Johnsons’. “You can’t keep this inside. It’s not healthy for you and it’s not good for Zane, either. He needs to know the truth.”