But instead I continued running away from her. I couldn’t help her or save her. It wasn’t fair to bring her into the confusion in my life. Not when I still had so much unresolved. Not when my heart still had a hole in it the size of the Mississippi. I thought back to what Sidney had said about moving on in life and making a fresh start. But a part of me didn’t want to forget. A part of me still hoped that everything could still work out. And while I still had hope, it wasn’t fair to bring someone else into my life. No matter how many times my stomach flipped just thinking about her.
Chapter 6
“I just want it to be us, Noah. I know you love Zane and he means something to me. But I just want it to be us. You can move here, to France, and we can make up for all the years we’ve lost.” She stroked the side of my face as she looked at me with wide eyes.
“I can’t do that.” I shook my head, trying hard to keep my anger in.
“Be a good boy for your mama.”
“You gave up the right to that title the day you walked away from me and Zane.”
“I already explained that to you, Noah. Your papa almost broke me. I had to get away.” Her breath caught. “I’ve thought about you every day since I’ve been gone.”
“How can you have stopped loving him?” I studied her face bitterly. “What sort of person are you?”
“The connection just wasn’t—”
“You used to take him out. Just him.” I interrupted her accusingly. “You even asked him to look after me.”
“He was always a strong-willed and protective boy. I knew that he would grow up to be an assertive man. I wanted to make sure that you were taken care of.”
“Most people are taken care of by their parents.”
“Your dad never loved me.” She grabbed my hands and looked at me with pleading eyes. “I couldn’t take it. I wanted to take you with me, but I knew he wouldn’t let me.”
“But what about Zane? Didn’t you love him as well?”
“In my own way.” She looked at me sorrowfully, her eyes begging me to understand.
“I can’t believe that you don’t love your own son.”
“He was never my son.”
“I’m getting fed up of waiting around, Lucky.” Zane’s voice was loud as I slipped in the front door. I could hear his voice booming from the kitchen and I paused, not wanting to interrupt what sounded like a tense moment.
“Patience is a virtue.” Lucky’s voice was softer but I could tell that she felt for him. “Give him time.”
“It’s hard. I just want to know. Why wouldn’t he tell me?” He sounded frustrated. “I’m not trying to be an ass**le. I want to understand. I mean, I do understand that he thinks he’s protecting me, but shit, I want to know what the f**k is going on. She’s my mom as well. He can’t just keep this shit to himself.”
“It’s obviously important to him.” Lucky paused. “I’m worried about him, Zane. Last week when we were at the Johnsons’, he seemed really sad and alone. I know you don’t think we should try and introduce him to anyone, but I think he needs to get out there. I know he’s your brother and you love him, and I know you’re frustrated and you want answers, but maybe you should think about how this has affected him. It’s been hard for you, yes, very hard. But you have me now. But what does Noah have? Who does Noah have? He’s carrying all these burdens all by himself. It can’t be easy for him.” Lucky’s voice cracked. “I’m actually really worried about him.” Her voice went low, and I couldn’t hear what she was saying.
I leaned against the front door and frowned to myself. They were worried about me, and Zane was getting irritable, which I had expected. He had never been especially patient when we were growing up and frankly, I was surprised that he hadn’t threatened me for more information already. But it was Lucky who had broken my heart. Hearing the worry and despair in her voice as she spoke about me concerned me. I didn’t want her feeling sorry for me or worrying about me. I knew it wasn’t safe for her to be stressed during her pregnancy. I knew I hadn’t been doing a great job of hiding my emotions or my semi-depression, but I didn’t realize I’d been doing as shitty a job as I had been. I knew that I had to do something to make them think I was moving on in my life. I grabbed my phone and slowly exited the house to make a call.
“Hello?” Her voice was soft and questioning.
“Hey, it’s Noah.”
“Hey.”
“The guy you met in the restaurant and jogging the other—”
“I know who you are.” She laughed. “What’s up?”
“You didn’t hang up.” I grinned into the phone.
“Were you expecting me to?” She laughed. “I know I was a bit of a bitch the first day we met, but I did give you my number. Not the other way around.”
“So I was wondering … would you like to come over for dinner one night?” The words ran out of my mouth before I could stop them.
“Is that code for ‘come over and have sex’?”
“No, no. Sorry, I meant come over and have dinner with my brother, his fiancée and myself.”
“A meet and greet on the first date.”
“Well, it’s not a date. I mean, argh.” I groaned into the phone. “Sorry, I kind of suck at this.”
“You do suck a lot more than I thought you would.”
“I hope that’s not bad.”
“Were you in a long relationship or something?”
“Not really. But I’ve been in some bad ones.” I sighed and changed the subject. “But you don’t want to talk about that.”
“Yeah, we haven’t even been on a date yet. I don’t want the past relationship talk already.”
“So would you like to come over? For dinner, I mean. Nothing else.” I cleared my throat and shook my head at myself. “I mean, it’s not a booty call or anything. Not that you’re not good enough for a booty call. I’m just not using you as a booty call. But this is just a friendly get-together.”
“I knew you were awkward.” She laughed. “I just didn’t realize how awkward.”
“I’m honestly really not this bad.” I paced back and forth, enjoying our conversation. “I think you just bring out the teenage boy in me.”