“I still want to know about Mom.” Zane cleared his throat. “I’m not going to push it right now, but I still want to know.” His voice was light.
“You’ve changed.” I cocked my head and studied him. “You’re calmer than you were before. I was expecting you to put me in a headlock to get an answer.”
“That’s coming if you don’t give me an answer tomorrow.” He grinned at me.
“I’m not keeping it to myself because I want to. Trust me.” I made a face. “Just like I didn’t leave and not tell you because I wanted to keep you in the dark.”
“How could you do it?” He peered at me with hurt eyes. “I would never do that to you. I could never just leave and have you think I’m dead.”
“I didn’t want to just leave.” I sighed. “It’s always just been us. I begged to be able to tell you. But Special Agent Waldron convinced me that it was in your best interest for me to not tell you.”
“I know you didn’t do it to hurt me.” He sat on my bed and played with his fingers. “Don’t hate me, but I am kind of glad that you didn’t tell me. I know it sounds twisted. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but if it wasn’t for you going away, I would never have met Lucky. And I don’t know what my life would be like if I didn’t have her in my life. Do I sound like a complete ass**le?” He looked up at me with a twisted smile. “Am I the world’s worst brother?”
“No.” I laughed lightheartedly. “In fact, it makes you human and very honest.”
“I love her so much, you know.” He made a face. “It hurts me to be away from her. Like I feel a physical pain. It’s crazy.”
“That’s love. It provides as much joy as it does pain.”
“She really hurt you, didn’t she?”
“Not in the way that you think.” I paced in front of the bed. “It’s funny, our roles are reversed now. I used to be the one that believed in happy endings, and you were the one with the tortured soul.”
“You have a tortured soul? What happened to the rainbows and shit you spouted about when we were growing up?”
“I was living in a daydream. Love isn’t always wonderful and flowery. It can be deep, dark, and persevering. It’s about accepting the bad with the good. It’s about everything we give, get, and forget. We all know the bright side of love as it shines luminously for all to see. But the other side of love, the other side can be a lonely, solitary place. I know that now.”
“You ever going to tell me what she did to make you so bitter?”
“Who?” I looked up at him with a bleak smile. “Which she?”
“There’s more than one woman who has broken your heart?”
“There’s more than one woman who has made me doubt the human race.” I walked over to the closet so that Zane couldn’t see my face. “But let’s not focus on that. I’d rather hear how Lucky has made you believe in love. And then I want to go and hold her tight and ask her if she can introduce me to her God.”
“Her God?” Zane’s voice sounded confused and I turned around and gave him a smile.
“The God that allowed the two of you to experience the beauty of life and love.”
“I’m worried about you, Noah.” He jumped up and walked to me slowly before stopping and running his hands through his hair. “You sound like you’ve turned into Plato or Aristotle or something.”
“I prefer to think of myself as Camus.” I grinned.
“Camus?”
“Albert Camus.” I shook my head. “Oh, big brother of mine. I knew I was smarter than you.”
“I can still beat you up, you know.” Zane laughed and walked towards the door. “You come talk to me when you’re ready to talk.” He paused by the door and looked back at me. “About anything. I’m not going to push you about Mom. I’ve learned how to be patient this last year.”
“Thanks.” I nodded gratefully. “I will.”
“I’ll tell Lucky to hold back as well.”
“That’s okay.” I shook my head. “I know she just cares about you. I don’t want her to think I’m some sort of ass**le. It was really hard, you know, to walk away from you and not be able to tell you. Everything in my life seems to be insignificant up until that point. I just want a fresh start now. I want to start a new life, one that isn’t haunted with memories of what has happened since I left.”
“I will do what I can to help.” He paused and looked back at me. “She cares about you, as well you know. If she asks or holds back, it’s because she wants to be a part of your life.”
“I know. I wish I’d met her first.” I joked, and he came back and punched me lightly in the shoulder.
“I’m glad you didn’t.” He laughed, his eyes sparkling. “I’m not sure I would have gotten her if I had to compete with you.”
“We should go jam.” I said, feeling lighthearted. I had missed Zane, really missed him, and I just wanted to be around him and enjoy his company without the pressure of having to have a serious talk.
“You want to?” Zane’s eyes looked up and he grinned. “No Beatles, though.”
“That’s a deal.” I nodded and turned my face away from him. A jab of pain shot through me as I remembered always trying to get him to play and listen to The Beatles. It was one of our only links to our mother, and I wanted to remember every little thing about her. I had tried so hard to get Zane to get rid of his bitterness and hurt. As a child, I knew that one day she would come back to us. I had known it in my heart. She loved us more than life itself. What mother doesn’t love her sons? Something bad had to have happened for her to desert us.
“That was easy.” He looked at me with a question in his eyes. I knew what he wanted to know. He had so many questions and I didn’t really have any satisfactory answers. I was in a tough spot, one I didn’t know how to get out of. I either kept the truth to myself or told him everything I knew. He would eventually resent me and hate me either way. But I’d rather have him hate me than have him hate himself.
I knew what it was like to hate yourself and I didn’t want him to suffer from the same self-inflicted pain that I was. Not if he didn’t have to.
Chapter 4
“I wish that I could see you every day.” Skylar played with my fingers. “And that we lived in the same house.”