And a hell of a lot deeper.
And while I was still petrified as the parameters of our relationship stretched and strained to make room for this new reality, I was also eager for it. I wanted it. I wanted him.
I should have been wary and hesitant. Here I was, jumping into a heady, soul-consuming relationship with a guy I had met under the most unconscionable of circumstances.
Where was the girl who worried about screwing up? She had apparently taken a backseat to the girl who was discovering true emotional connection for the first time.
I knew it was wrong. I was already paranoid that people would catch on, that when my classmates looked at me, they’d see a girl doing something she definitely wasn’t supposed to be doing.
But I couldn’t stop myself.
Leaving Maxx’s apartment was jarring. I had lived in this self-contained bubble for two days, forgetting that anything or anyone existed outside of it. It was easy to forget about trivial things like schoolwork and friends when I was in Maxx’s world. That was how quickly he absorbed me.
But reality was a cold, hard slap in the face when I realized as I left that tonight I’d have to face Maxx in an entirely different setting, one that would most likely be trying and difficult and definitely more than a little bit awkward.
Support group.
Renee was home when I returned from Maxx’s apartment. I had texted her over the last two days, explaining my absence as school-related. She hadn’t questioned me. I hadn’t really expected her to. She was too busy trying to get her own floundering life back on track now that Devon was out of the picture.
She had been happy to see me, and I was tempted to tell her everything about Maxx—about what had happened to him at the club, about why I had been gone for the last two days.
Once upon a time there was a good chance I would have done just that. But given the tenuous footing our friendship was on, I wasn’t comfortable with the thought of sharing Maxx with her yet.
It felt crappy to lie to her, to look her in the eyes and tell a story that was one hundred percent not true. But I was faced with little other option.
Renee mentioned that Brooks had been by several times and that he seemed less than happy. She looked as though she wanted to question me about it all, and I was thankful when she didn’t.
That was yet another part of my story that I didn’t want to share with Renee. And I’d have to deal with Brooks and his hurt disapproval soon enough.
My phone rang just as I was walking across campus toward the psychology building for group that evening. I was surprised to see Kristie Hinkle’s number on my screen.
“Hello?” I said after answering.
“Aubrey, I’m glad I got hold of you. I’m sorry to call so close to the start of group, but I’m going to need you to be the head facilitator tonight.”
Shit!
“Why?” I asked bluntly, cringing at my rudeness, but her news had thrown me.
Kristie let out a wet cough. “I’m sick,” she answered shortly, but the fact that she was hacking up phlegm was all the answer I needed.
“Can’t we cancel?” I asked, hoping she was feverish enough to go along with that suggestion. Facing Maxx so soon after everything that had transpired, and in such a challenging setting, felt like a recipe for disaster.
One would hope that I could trust my abilities to remain professional and dispassionate. But the second I had acted on my feelings, and had allowed Maxx into my life, those nicely constructed boundaries flew, suicide-style, straight out the window.
I didn’t trust myself . . . at all.
I wasn’t sure if I could look at Maxx during group and not see the boy who had just bulldozed his way into my life and my heart. I was still raw and reeling from the realization of how much my feelings toward him had changed.
How would I ever be able to treat him like everyone else? Because he most certainly was not like everyone else.
I was a mess. A giant pile of my-life-is-out-of-control mess.
“No, that’s not an option. We can’t disrupt the flow of the group, particularly at this point. I need you to step up tonight, Aubrey. I trust that you’ve read over the lesson plan,” Kristie said in between mucus-filled hacks. Yuck.
“Uh, yeah. I reviewed it last week,” I answered, clearing my throat. There was no way to get out of this. Suck it up, Aubrey, and pull up your big-girl panties.
“I really think this could be a great opportunity for you to gain some valuable facilitating time. Starting tonight there will be another counseling student on hand as an observer. He will be able to step in should you need it,” Kristie said. Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.
And then I realized what she’d just said.
“Another student?” I asked. Just great, someone else to witness my abject humiliation.
“Dr. Lowell called me earlier to say that one of her senior symposium students needed a few more observation hours before graduation and asked to sit in on the group for the remainder of the semester. I haven’t had the chance to meet him yet, and I wrote his name down but it’s at the office.”
Apparently the universe liked to f**k with me. I had somehow become the brunt of a huge cosmic joke. I should have known who that student would be.
And when I walked into the classroom a few minutes later to find Brooks setting up the chairs, I could only laugh at the ridiculousness that was my life.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, trying to get my almost hysterical laughter under control.
Brooks looked up, giving me that “you’re bat-shit crazy” look he was so fond of.
“Didn’t Kristie call you?” he asked coldly. His iciness put the kibosh on my amusement.
“You’re the senior sitting in?” I asked stupidly.
“Obviously,” he muttered, his face purposefully turned away from me. The distance between us was becoming uncomfortably familiar. I hated that I was getting used to his cold shoulder, that his disdainful disappointment was a frequent visitor.
“Well, um, that’s great,” I lied.
Brooks slammed the last chair onto the ground with a loud bang before he turned to face me. “Where have you been for the last two days, Aubrey? I’ve tried to call you. I went by your apartment, but Renee said you had schoolwork to do.” He made quotes with his fingers. He was really, really mad.
“Yeah, if ‘schoolwork’ is Aubrey-ese for that druggie I saw you with on Saturday night. So why don’t you explain what the hell that was about?” Brooks walked across the room until he stood directly in front of me. I had never felt intimidated by Brooks. It wasn’t in his nature to be aggressive. But right now I felt like kneeing him in the nuts and running out of the room. I didn’t appreciate the way he was looking at me as though I had just beamed down from the planet I Make Stupid Decisions.