Maxx stood stark naked in the middle of his room, the towel fallen at his feet while he rooted around in his drawer for clothes.
I swallowed thickly and averted my eyes while he dressed. The urge to chance a peek was overwhelming, but I refused to give in. It wasn’t right to ogle the guy after everything he had been through. Sure, I had crossed every boundary in our relationship, but I had some lingering morality left.
“Have you seen my phone?” he asked a few minutes later. I turned to look at him and squelched my disappointment at finding him fully clothed. I pointed to his desk.
“I put it over there. It was in your jeans pocket,” I told him.
Maxx grabbed it and put it to his ear. He looked up at me, and I knew that currently I wasn’t welcome. It was time for me to go.
He turned his back, shutting me out as surely as if he had slammed a door in my face.
I bristled at his rejection, infuriated by his dismissal.
Even more humiliating was the burn of tears I felt in the back of my eyes. I never cried anymore. I hated tears.
I stood there for another moment listening to Maxx leave a frantic message on Marco’s voice mail. He was talking in quiet, quick sentences that I couldn’t quite hear. One thing was obvious: Maxx was agitated.
I quietly closed the bedroom door and made my way back to the shabby living room. I had made an effort to clean up while Maxx had been in the shower, but not much could be done to make the space comfortable.
I thought about leaving a note, but then decided against it. What was the point?
I grabbed my purse and dug out my car keys, ready to make my escape.
“Where are you going?”
I looked over my shoulder to find Maxx walking toward me. He looked drawn and tired, but some of the spark had come back to his eyes.
“I just thought I should head home. You know, get out of your way,” I said, lifting my chin defiantly.
Maxx put his hand flat against the front door, barring my exit. His face, which had been hard and anxious a few moments earlier, was now troubled and vulnerable.
He leaned down until his face was a mere few inches from my own. I could smell the mint from his toothpaste on his breath. His eyes drilled into mine, piercing me.
“What you did, how you helped me, stayed with me . . . I don’t know why you did it. But thank you,” he said quietly.
And there it was, the acknowledgment I had wanted. But now that he had given it, I wasn’t sure what he wanted from me. Or what I wanted from him.
I leaned back against the door, his proximity overwhelming me.
“It was nothing,” I replied, shaking my head.
Maxx brought his other hand up to rest on the wood beside my head. I was captured between his arms, no room for escape.
“It wasn’t nothing,” he argued. “Why were you at the club?” he grilled.
“I don’t know . . . ,” I started, but he interrupted me.
“You do know, Aubrey. Why were you there?”
“For you, Maxx. I was looking for you,” I admitted breathlessly, my heart pounding in my chest. “I was worried about you.”
“You don’t even know me, Aubrey. Why would you concern yourself about me at all?” he pressed.
I closed my eyes, needing some distance from the intensity of his gaze. “I just . . . I wanted to help you.” I opened my eyes and looked unflinchingly up at him. “I care about what happens to you. You seem to need someone to give a damn. And I do, Maxx. So much,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
Maxx swallowed, his lips trembling at my admission. His bruised face twisted with an emotion I couldn’t quite read. He dropped his face and pressed his forehead against mine, our noses brushing.
“You shouldn’t. I’m not worth it, Aubrey,” he pleaded in a strangled groan.
I slowly moved my hands up to gingerly touch his face, my fingers sliding down the length of his cheek. He leaned into my hand and seemed to be at war with himself.
“You are worth it, Maxx. You need to learn that and believe it,” I said. Maxx captured my hand, his eyes opening and blazing into mine.
“You need to know that if you decide to do this with me, I’ll never be able to let you go. Not ever.” His words quivered. A small part of me was terrified by his promise.
But a larger part of me hoped he would hold me tight . . . forever.
I pulled my hand from his and touched his face again. I brushed my thumb along the curve of Maxx’s mouth. He parted his lips, kissing the soft pad of flesh, his tongue tentatively tasting.
I shook at the tidal wave of emotion that simple touch unleashed in me.
“Maxx, let me help you,” I begged, knowing I was slowly climbing over his wall.
His hands were around me in an instant, pulling me to his chest. I could hear the thudding of his heart beneath my ear. “You already are,” he said, his voice vibrating in my head.
I pulled back slightly to look up at him. He looked grieved, as though he hated himself for what he was doing but couldn’t help it.
“What are you doing to yourself?” I asked, cupping his face with my hand, gently touching the bruised skin.
Maxx didn’t answer me. He grabbed my hand and pressed a kiss to my palm before resting it over his heart. And then we held each other tightly, neither of us willing to let go, neither wanting to upset the tenuous beauty of the moment with the ugly reality he lived in.
Because for now, we had this.
“My mother died when I was ten and Landon was five. It was cancer. I don’t remember much about her being sick. I have vague memories of her being in bed for long periods of time and going to the hospital to visit her. But other than that, my mind seemed to have blocked it out. I guess I carried on my life like nothing earth-shattering was going on.” Maxx snorted in disgust, his arms tightening around me.
We were sitting on the couch. It’s where we had been for the past two hours. We hadn’t talked much; Maxx had been mostly quiet. I was hesitant to break the silence, not knowing what would come next.
He seemed to need to hold me. He ran his fingers through my hair and softly kissed my temple. That was all. For him, right now, that appeared to be all he needed.
I couldn’t help but continue to notice the fine tremors in his body, his erratic heartbeat under my palm, the fine sheen of sweat on his face. He was still trying to climb out of his horrible withdrawal. He was unhealthily pale, dark circles ringing his eyes, their normally vibrant blue dull and listless.
I had grown accustomed to the silence, so when he spoke I started in surprise. The noise was almost obscene in the hush.