After another week in the hospital, I was allowed to go home under weekly doctor supervision and no strenuous activity. I was supposed to stay in bed most of the time. I even had a special diet, and my medication had been changed again.
Lila Kate had met all of her milestones in NICU. She would have been released to go home two days ago, but they allowed her to stay until I was released. The fact that Kiro had paid ridiculous amounts of money to make sure I had the best care must have had a little to do with their decision, I was sure. That and his celebrity status.
Grant stood at the door of my hospital room with Lila Kate tucked in his arms in the pink bonnet and gown I had bought for her all those months ago. I held her while he took our picture—I wanted it for her scrapbook. It would be another part of our story, just like all those letters were a part of our story. I had one I wanted to read to her tonight.
“You hold her, and I’ll push the wheelchair. Your dad paid a moving service to pack up all these flowers, balloons, and gift baskets,” Grant said as he pointed to the room full of tokens of everyone’s wishes and congratulations. I didn’t even realize I had this many people in my life who cared.
A white stuffed lamb caught my attention, and I turned to look up at Grant. “Get the lamb,” I told him. He frowned and glanced back at the little lamb. It was made out of the softest cashmere and had a matching blanket. “The blanket, too,” I added as he walked over to get it.
Nan hadn’t been by to see me or Lila Kate. Mase had mentioned that she had left after the announcement that I was awake and hadn’t returned. I figured that she had originally come here for selfish reasons, although I was grateful, whatever her reason was. She had come through for me. Then, two days ago, a gift had arrived—a French layette that I had seen while surfing the Web for baby clothing. The lamb and the blanket had been included. When I opened it, the card simply read: Congratulations, Nan.
That was it. Nothing else. But it had been something. She hadn’t used it to gain Kiro’s or anyone else’s attention; she’d just sent a gift. It was so unexpected and special. Because no matter what happened in the future, I would never forget what she did for me.
“Isn’t this the gift Nan sent?” Grant asked as he tucked it in beside me.
“Yes, it is,” I replied. I didn’t explain myself further.
He nodded and pushed me with Lila Kate down the long hall, to the elevator, then out to the hospital valet parking, where a silver Land Rover was parked.
“A gift from your father. He said you needed a family car now. Something safe,” Grant explained as he walked over to open the door. “I tried to tell him I’d supply my family with a safe car, but he said it was his gift and that I didn’t get a say. Add a few choice curse words in there, and you get the idea.” Grant grinned as he walked back to me and scooped Lila Kate up into his arms like a pro.
“You’ve got some pretty luxurious travel digs, too. Compliments of Gramps,” Grant told her as he buckled her into her car seat, which looked very complicated. Grant seemed to know what he was doing.
When he finished, he took my hand, gently led me out of the wheelchair, and walked me over to the passenger door. “How did you know how to buckle her in?” I asked as I got in.
“I’ve been studying the manual for the past three days. When Kiro brought it with the Land Rover, I figured I’d better make sure I was using it correctly.”
He was that dad. The one I had wanted so much for him to be. He adored our little girl, and he was reading safety manuals for car seats.
“You’re wonderful,” I told him, and he smirked.
“You just now figuring that out?”
He closed my door and went around the car to get in on the driver’s side. Instead of starting the car, he stared a moment, then turned to look at me. He went pale.
“What’s wrong?” I sat up straight and leaned over to touch his leg. Was he going to be sick?
“I have to drive her. I didn’t . . . I guess I didn’t think about that until this moment. She’s so tiny.”
I bit back a smile, because he was very serious. “Grant, drive us home. Now. You are a safe driver, and she is in a safe vehicle and a top-of-the-line car seat. You can do this, baby. You’re overthinking it.”
He nodded and took a deep breath, then started up the car. We pulled out slowly, made our way out of the parking lot, and headed home.
Grant went ahead of us and turned on her bedroom light. I waited outside the door, holding an alert and happy Lila Kate. She had woken up happy when we got her out of her car seat. She didn’t like being strapped down and seemed thrilled to be getting out of it.
“Welcome home,” I told her as we stepped into her room. I held her so she could see every part of her room. The huge unicorn that Dean Finlay had sent stood in the corner, and her little eyes kept going back to its bright colors. Grant motioned for me to sit in the glider.
“You need to rest. You can hold her, but sit while you’re doing it.”
He was back to taking care of me, and I knew after what he had been through, I had to let him. For a man who was scared of loving someone and losing them, he had grabbed on with both hands and held on tight. He hadn’t allowed me to give up. When I’d been trying so hard to open my eyes in the hospital room, I’d heard his voice. I don’t accept that I won’t get forever with you.
I hadn’t accepted it, either. At that moment, I had known I’d open my eyes. He had needed me to, and I had been ready to see our baby girl.
My sweet Lila Kate,
Today we brought you home from the hospital. I’ve been wrapped up in your beautiful face for the past week. I wasn’t there right away for you. It was just you and Daddy for the first two and a half days. But I came back. I opened my eyes. I missed your daddy, and I couldn’t wait to meet you.
We have so many things to experience together. I look forward to the day you say your first word and the day you take your first steps. I imagine your daddy and I will be a mess when we take you to your first day of kindergarten. When you tell me about your first crush. When I roll your hair for your first dance. When I see you in your cap and gown as you graduate from high school and go on to achieve great things.
But right now, I want to hold you and kiss each of your little toes. I want to read you the books I filled your room with. I look forward to our sleepless nights together and the times you spit up all over me and I have to change. Those little things won’t be a chore or difficult for me. I will embrace them, because I almost didn’t get to experience them at all.
So you take your time growing up. I don’t want to rush a thing. I want to savor every moment. The good, the messy, and the messier. Bring it on, Lila Kate, because I look forward to every minute of it.
Love you always,
Mommy
Grant
Harlow was bathing, and I was on Lila Kate duty. She was sleeping peacefully, but Harlow didn’t like for her to wake up and cry because we weren’t there. Harlow said she was scared, and she wanted to make sure we were there.
I laid the stack of letters wrapped in the red satin ribbon down in front of me on the bed. I was almost afraid to look at the descriptions on each one. I didn’t want to think about the circumstances in which I would have to read these. It hurt even to think about. But Harlow had written these letters for me.
One was labeled for the day after her funeral. One was for the first time I took care of Lila Kate alone. One was for the day she started kindergarten. One was for the day I thought I could love again. That one I wasn’t going to be able to open, because that day would have never come. I couldn’t love someone else or even try to, because it wouldn’t have been fair to that person. In my heart, it would have always been Harlow. No one could take her place. And every time our daughter smiled up at me, I would be able to see her mother and remember the sacrifice she made so this perfect little girl could have a life.
“You’re being quiet. Are you asleep?” Harlow called out from her bath.
I picked up the letters and walked to the bathroom. She noticed them immediately, and a smile touched her lips. If I didn’t have her, these letters would have been golden. But she was here.
“Are you going to read them?” she asked.
I looked down at them and then back at her. “No,” I replied. “I don’t need to. They were for a Grant who didn’t have his Harlow. I have my Harlow. That Grant doesn’t exist. The broken, empty man you wrote these to will never exist. But I’m going to keep them. Pack them away. Maybe one day, we’ll pull them down and remember. Just not today.”
She tilted her head to the side, and a wet curl brushed her neck. “You wouldn’t have been empty. Lila Kate would have filled the emptiness I left behind.”
Maybe she would have. But she never could have made up for the fact that the women who owned my soul was gone. “Lila Kate will always be my baby girl. I will cherish and love her until the day I die. But you . . . you’re the love of my life. You’re my forever. I’ll grow old loving you.”
Harlow sighed, but it was a happy sigh. “You are a smooth talker, Grant Carter. A real smooth talker.”
“Harlow?”
She sat up in the water. “Yes?”
“Will you marry me?”
She giggled and held up her ring finger, which had the diamond ring on it. “We already did this. Remember? I said yes.”
“Tomorrow. Will you marry me tomorrow?”
She looked at me a moment like I had lost my mind. “We just got home from the hospital.”
I nodded. “Yes, but I want to call you my wife. I want your last name to be Carter. I want you to be mine.”
“I am yours. I have been for a very long time now.”
“Please.”
She bit her bottom lip and looked like she was contemplating it. Finally, she let her bottom lip free. “Three weeks. Give me three weeks. I can get Blaire’s help to get a dress, and it will give your parents, my dad, and the Colts time to make plans to get back here. It doesn’t have to be fancy. I actually prefer simple. But I want the people we love here.”
I could give her three weeks if that was what she wanted. “Deal.”
She stood up and pointed to the towels. “Could you hand me one of those? I need to call Blaire.”
The bubbles and water running down her na**d body commanded my complete attention. I couldn’t touch her until her cardiologist cleared her. But looking at her was so damn nice.
“I’m getting cold.” The laughter in her voice snapped me out of my lusting. I reached for a towel and walked over to her and wrapped it around her. Just as I was leaning in to kiss her, the cries of our daughter filled the room through the baby monitor.
Harlow gently shoved me. “Hurry, go check on her.”
I turned and ran.
Stepping into her room, I turned on the light dimmer so the bright light didn’t hurt her eyes. When she saw me standing over her, she stopped crying and kicked her feet and sucked hungrily on her fist. That was her hungry sign. The nurses had taught me that.
I picked her up and carried her over to the changing table to freshen her up, and then we went to see Mommy. I needed to go downstairs and fix a bottle, and Harlow wouldn’t be OK with me leaving a fussing Lila Kate in her room.
“Someone’s hungry and wants to visit with her mommy while I fix a bottle,” I said, carrying Lila Kate over to her mother, who quickly slid her nightgown on and crawled up onto the bed so I could lay Lila Kate beside her.
“Hey, you,” she cooed at our daughter. “You ready for something to eat? That hand won’t taste good for long.”
I left them upstairs and headed downstairs to get the bottle ready.
Harlow
I had been forced to shove Grant out the door this morning. He had been pacing and talking on the phone with a contractor. It had been forever since he’d worked, and he was spending a great deal of the time on the phone. The frustration etched on his forehead was hard to miss. Lila Kate was still sleeping a good portion of the day, and I rested when she did. When she was awake, we normally lay on my bed and talked and played. It wasn’t difficult.
It was time for lunch, and she was getting fussy, so I brought her downstairs and laid her in the bassinet while I fixed her bottle. The doorbell rang just when I had her bottle warm enough. I pulled it out of the hot water and dried it off, then headed for the door.
A man I had never met before stood on the other side, but I didn’t have to know him to figure out who it was. The similarities were too strong—his face was an older version of Grant’s. This was his father. The man we never talked about.
Whenever I tried to mention him, the hurt look in Grant’s eyes made me back off. I knew he had no idea where his mother was, and he said that when she called him, he’d let her know about the baby. I had gone through seven months of pregnancy, and two weeks had passed since Lila Kate’s birth, and she still hadn’t called to check in.