I tried to say I was the family, but nothing came out. Panic squeezed my throat so tightly I couldn’t even breathe. This was it. This was my news.
“That would be us,” Rush said when he realized I wasn’t going to be able to do it.
The doctor walked over to us and glanced back over Rush’s shoulder. “Haven’t ever seen this waiting room quite so full,” he said.
“Harlow’s loved,” Rush replied.
I managed to gasp in some air, and the doctor’s eyes swung to me. “You OK?”
“He needs to know how Harlow is. He’s about to go into a full panic attack,” Blaire’s voice said behind me.
“I need immediate family,” the doctor said.
“She’s my fiancée,” I finally managed to speak out.
The doctor nodded. “All right, then, good enough. I assume the baby is yours.”
I nodded.
“Well, congratulations. You have a baby girl born at two forty-five a.m. It’s too early, but we had to do an emergency C-section. She will have to stay in NICU for a little while, but she is completely developed, and her heart looks good. She’s three pounds ten ounces and sixteen inches long. I’ll need you to fill out her birth certificate when you’re ready to step back there and see her.”
Lila Kate was alive. She was here. On September 28, 2014, I had become a dad. I sucked in a deep breath. Harlow had done it. She’d brought our baby into this world healthy and alive. But what about Harlow . . .
As if reading my thoughts, the doctor went on. “We lost Harlow for a couple of seconds. She came back fast, though. She’s a fighter.”
“You lost her?” I asked, not understanding what he was telling me.
“Her heart stopped beating, but she came back with a little help. However, she hasn’t woken up and is in critical condition. I can’t tell you right now if and when she’ll wake up. Her heart and body suffered through a severe traumatic episode. She’s lost a lot of blood, and she’s going to need a transfusion. Because of her delicate nature, it needs to be A-positive. If there’s a relative handy with her blood type, a parent or sibling, that would be best.”
I was B-positive. I couldn’t help her. She needed me, and I couldn’t do anything.
“I’m O-negative,” Woods said, stepping up beside me. “I’m not related, but I know O-negative is a universal donor.”
The doctor nodded. “Yes, but if we had a family member with the same blood type, it would be best. If not, we will gladly take your offer.”
“I’m A-positive. I’m her sister. I’ll do it.”
At Nan’s words, the entire waiting room went silent.
My sweet Lila Kate,
Today you entered this world. I’m writing this before I’ve actually seen you. This is my letter to you if I’m not there to hold you and welcome you into this life. I can imagine, though, how perfect and beautiful you are. I bet you have your daddy’s blue eyes. I hope you have his smile. He has a wonderful smile.
If you never got a chance to meet me, know that you were my greatest accomplishment. You were a dream that I never imagined would come true. Since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted a baby of my own. I didn’t understand what that meant until I was told you were inside of me. I already loved your daddy so fiercely. You were a part of him, and I loved you with the same fierce adoration.
Every choice I made until this day has been one I wanted to make, and I wouldn’t change a thing. I would love the chance to at least hold you, but if that doesn’t happen, know that I held you inside of me for nine months (I hope) and cherished every day.
Sleep tight in the secure arms of your daddy. I know I have. He’ll be good at making you feel safe. When you’re scared, let him remind you that he’s right there, always ready to hold you when you need it.
More than anything, I want to tell you this: You are a fighter. You are strong. You are brave. You can accomplish anything you set your mind to. This world is yours to make the most of, and I believe you will live a life so full of happiness that I will feel it from above.
Never let others bring you down. Their words don’t change who you are. You are in control of who you are. You, my sweet Lila Kate, are your mother’s daughter. We fight for what we want and what we believe in. We don’t listen to others, and we are secure in who we are. Show the world how amazing Lila Kate Carter is, and climb mountains, baby girl. Climb them all.
Love you always,
Mommy
Grant
She was tiny. The most tiny, perfect thing I’d ever seen. They had made me wash up in a shower and put on scrubs before I walked into the small room where they were keeping Lila Kate. She was asleep inside an incubator, and there was a wire taped to her chest. Her little feet were drawn up close to her body. Besides a pair of tiny socks, she had on only a diaper and a little knit hat. Was she cold?
“In a couple of days, you can hold her. Right now, we need to monitor her and make sure she’s as healthy as she appears to be. She came out with a loud battle cry, which is a very good sign,” the nurse beside me said.
“She’s tough. Like her mom,” I replied, and my voice cracked.
They hadn’t let me see Harlow yet. When they told me I could come back and see Lila Kate, I hadn’t been sure I wanted to do that. Not without Harlow. She hadn’t seen her yet. But the idea of Lila Kate lying back here alone without her mother was more than I could handle. Harlow would want me back here with our daughter. I wasn’t going to let her down.
“You probably already know this, but she weighs three pounds ten ounces, which is good. There are some milestones she must reach before she can be released from NICU. Normally, for a baby born two months early, it can take a couple of weeks to reach those.”
I wasn’t ready to take her home. She was so tiny. I was afraid to hold her. She looked breakable. I needed Harlow for this. She’d know what to do. She’d hold her and reassure her and do all those things.
“If you want to sit in the rocking chair over there and watch her, you can. She may wake up soon, and then you can meet your daughter.”
My daughter. I had a daughter. This little life was really a part of me. A part of Harlow. A sudden rush came over me, and I realized I loved this baby. I loved this baby completely. I adored her, and I didn’t even know her. She was ours.
“I want to stay, but the moment I’m allowed to see Harlow, I want someone to come get me. Immediately,” I stressed. She needed to hear my voice. She’d open her eyes when she heard my voice, and she’d know I was waiting for her. She had to. Lila Kate and I couldn’t do this without her. They just needed to let me back there to see her. She was waiting for me. I knew she was.
I sat down in the rocking chair directly across from where Lila Kate had her head turned. When she woke up, I would see her little eyes. I couldn’t tell who she looked like right now. She was so tiny she looked more like a baby doll than anything else.
Harlow had bought her an outfit to wear home from the hospital even before we knew if she was a boy or a girl. She had bought one for each gender, just in case. The little pink gown was packed in the hospital bag she had so lovingly prepared and left sitting on the changing table in the nursery. I was supposed to grab it when she went into labor, but things hadn’t happened the way we’d planned. My only goal at the time was to get Harlow to the hospital. I would have to send Blaire to the house to get what we needed. I wasn’t leaving this place. Not without my girls. Both of them.
Her little eyes fluttered and opened, and soon my daughter was staring straight at me. I stood up slowly, afraid I would startle her, and walked over to the incubator. I had been given gloves, and there were holes in the incubator so that I could reach in and touch her. When I stood over her, she followed my every move. I could almost see the curiosity in her little face.
“Hello, Lila Kate. It’s me, your daddy. We’ve spoken before but not face-to-face like this,” I told her as I eased a hand inside and touched her small hand with mine.
Tiny fingers wrapped around one of mine and held on as she continued to stare up at me. She needed me. That fact gripped me, and I wasn’t sure if I was terrified or humbled.
“You’re beautiful, just like your mommy. You’ll get to see her soon. We’re just waiting for her to wake up. We need her to wake up. She knows that. I’m gonna go tell her as soon as they’ll let me.”
The thumb of her other hand went straight to her mouth as she continued to gaze up at me. “You like that thumb, don’t you? Your mommy and I watched you do that when you were inside her. We got to see you kick and move around and suck that thumb on a screen. The doctor warned us you’d probably be a thumb sucker.”
She eased her grip on my finger, only to tighten it again. It was amazing how someone so small could hold on so tight.
“You’ll be out of this box soon, and then I can show you the world. We can show you. Your mommy and me. Your mommy has your room decorated for you. She’s spent a lot of time and love preparing it for your arrival. I look forward to the day the three of us walk into it together.”
Lila Kate blinked her eyes and continued to watch me as she sucked away on her thumb. Her little legs stretched out and bounced right back, like they were on a spring. I put my other arm in the other hole and took one of her little socked feet and removed the sock so I could look at her toes. They were short and, like the rest of her, perfectly proportioned. I held her little foot in my hand as she kicked and squirmed. It was smaller than my finger. Only half the length.
Once I was done examining her feet, I put her sock back on. She didn’t appear to be happy about it, because the kicking started up again with full force.
“Mr. Carter, Harlow’s father has arrived. Mr. Finlay said to come get you.”
Kiro was here. Time to face him. I understood his desire to kill me. Harlow was his world. She was a part of Emily, and the love he had for Emily spilled over onto Harlow. I understood that completely. Looking down at my own daughter, all I could see was her mother. In that moment, I learned that my heart was big enough to have two epic loves in my life.
“I’ll be back. I have to go deal with your grandfather. You’ll meet him soon enough. Prepare yourself. He’s a lot to take in,” I told her before pulling my hand out of the incubator, blowing her a kiss, and turning to leave.
I stopped at the door and looked at the nurse. “I’ll be back. I don’t want her left alone. Make sure she’s warm enough.”
The nurse smiled and nodded. “Yes, Mr. Carter. We will take care of her.”
“Thanks,” I replied, and headed to the waiting room.
I took the elevator back down to the waiting room and went to the closest nurses’ station before going back out there and talking to Kiro.
“Is there any new information on Harlow Manning? Her sister was here to give blood for the transfusion she needed. I want an update.”
The nurse nodded and picked up the phone. She spoke to the person on the other line, asked them about Harlow, then hung up and looked at me. “Are you her fiancé, Grant Carter?” the lady asked.
I nodded.
“The blood transfusion was successful. Harlow still hasn’t opened her eyes. Her brain waves are positive, though. But until she opens her eyes, we can’t be sure how much she was affected. A doctor will be out to speak with you shortly. They’ve gotten word that her father has arrived.”
“Thanks,” I said, holding on to the good news. I needed positive. I also didn’t care if Kiro being here made them more anxious to answer my questions. If Kiro Manning made them jump, then good. I needed them to f**king jump. I didn’t care how it happened.
The fact Nan had offered to give them the blood Harlow needed was still something I couldn’t process. What did she have to gain by doing that? Nan never gave freely without trying to manipulate people. There had to be a reason she did it. But I honestly didn’t care. She did it, and that was all that mattered.
Kiro
Why couldn’t it have been my motherf**king heart? Why did it have to be my baby girl’s? I had been asking this question since the day they told Emmy and me there was an issue with Harlow’s heart. I would have moved heaven and earth to take that from her. But just like I couldn’t save my Emmy, I couldn’t save our daughter.
She was stubborn, and she was so f**king brave. That damn hard head of hers had been something I admired. Until she decided she was gonna have a baby. I knew she’d never abort it. Wasn’t in her nature. She had been trying to save the world since she was three years old. She always put others before herself. She preferred the people she loved over her own wants and needs.
It was one of the things that made her so damn beautiful. Just like my Emmy. And she was all I had of my Emmy. The light in Emmy’s eyes had been gone for so long. Every day I visited her, I hoped to see her eyes light up with understanding and that she would come back to me, but that never happened. Not once.