I was rambling now. I just wanted her to know how loved she was. I didn’t want her to think we didn’t need her. Because we did. I did. Lila Kate did.
“Lila Kate is beautiful. She’s perfect. I can’t wait until you can hold her. They told me before I came in here that I can hold her now. She’s been holding on to my finger the past couple of days. She’s tiny, and they had to put her in an incubator, but she’s not having any complications. She’s progressing well. And when I talk, she watches me so closely. But I think she’s looking for you. She’s waiting for her mommy to show up. Oh, and she sucks her thumb like a champ. She loves that thumb. It’s her favorite pastime. I know breaking her of it one day won’t be easy, but right now, it’s so damn cute I don’t care.”
I threaded her limp fingers through mine and held her hand tightly. Then I lifted it up and kissed it. I saw the bruises on her hands from being stuck with so many needles. I kissed each one, then held her hand to my lips. They weren’t going to be able to force me from this spot. When I had watched her roll away, I thought I’d never touch her or hold her again. But she was here. And she was breathing, and she was going to come back to me.
“You gotta wake up for me, sweet girl. You gotta wake up for us. Lila Kate and I are waiting for you. We want to walk into her bedroom with you right there beside us. I’m not as strong as you, Harlow. I can’t live without you. I can’t fight like you can. I need you. I can’t do this with Lila Kate alone. She needs you. She needs her mother. She needs what you didn’t have. Fight, baby. Fight for her. Fight to open your eyes and come back to us. I believe in you. You showed me you could bring this precious baby girl into the world. Now show me you can stay with me. Show me.” I stopped before I started begging.
There was a knock on the door, and a nurse stepped inside. “Mr. Manning is wanting to see her,” she said. I could tell by the look on her face that Kiro was raising hell. I nodded and tuned back to Harlow.
“Your daddy is throwing a fit in the waiting room. He’s worried about you. You’ve scared him good. I’m gonna step out and let him come visit you. I’ll be back. I’m going to go tell Lila Kate about this and how good you look. I’m going to tell her to get ready. You’ll be awake soon. And I’m going to hold her. I wanted to wait for you, but I don’t want to make her wait to be held any longer. I’ll rock her and tell you all about it when I come back.”
I bent down and pressed a kiss to her dry lips. She would hate that her lips were dry.
I turned to the nurse. “Can you get her something for her lips? They’re dry. That bothers her. It’s uncomfortable for her.”
The nurse nodded. “Yes, sir. We’ll do that.”
“I’ll be back after her father and her brother visit her. I expect that you will have handled it by then.”
She nodded. “Yes, we will do it right now.”
I glanced back at Harlow one more time before stepping out of the room and heading back to the NICU.
My sweet Lila Kate,
Life in your beautiful room must make you feel like the princess you are. I know Daddy loves your sweet face and kisses it often. Smile for him. Give him a reason to smile again. If I’m not there with you, be his strength, and teach him that loving someone is a chance we all take, but life without love means nothing. If he didn’t take a chance, he wouldn’t have you in his arms right now.
I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to tell you this story in person, so I want to tell you now. It’s one my daddy told me a long time ago. I held it close to me all my life, and it made me brave. It got me through some tough times, and I want you to understand how you play a really important part in this story.
Once upon a time, there was this princess. She was loved in her kingdom for her heart. They didn’t care about her outer beauty. It was the inside that mattered to them. But one day, she was cursed by a very jealous evil queen. She was put into a deep sleep. To wake her up, the one man in all the world who loved her most had to be waiting for her. If she knew he was there waiting, she would open her eyes for him. But there’s a part of that story that my daddy left out. A part I think is most important.
The man who loved her most in the world was there, but she didn’t have to open her eyes, because she had left him a gift. A special, beautiful baby girl to love him and take care of him. A reason for him to live his life full of happiness. So there was no reason for the princess to open her eyes. She knew that if it was too hard to wake up, then she would be leaving behind love and joy instead of sadness.
If I’m reading this to you, the princess was able to open her eyes this time. But if I’m not, I know she left the man who loved her the most with someone he loved just as much.
Love you always,
Mommy
Grant
She needed me to hold her. She needed to know she was loved. But she was so small, and Harlow wasn’t here to help me do this right. What if I did it wrong? I didn’t want to hurt her.
“Just sit down in the rocker, and I’ll bring her to you all bundled up in a blanket. You look nervous, but that’s normal, especially for new daddies,” the nurse said as she opened the incubator. Lila Kate started kicking happily, and her thumb came out of her mouth, as if she was ready for this and needed both hands.
The nurse changed her diaper, which also looked confusing as hell, then wrapped her up tight in a blanket. When she went to pick her up, I held my breath and jumped up to put my hands under hers in case she dropped my baby.
The nurse chuckled. “I won’t drop her. I promise,” she said, smiling at my sudden reaction to seeing Lila Kate moved from the safety of her box.
I forced myself to back up and sit down in the rocking chair.
“See how I’m holding her so I’m supporting her head? She needs that. She can’t hold her head up by herself, so you support it with your arms and hold her close to you. She’s a preemie and needs the warmth. She also needs the bonding. You’ve done a great job with her, sitting and letting her hold your finger, but she needs more than that now. You can hold her as long as you want. If you don’t feel comfortable standing up with her, you can press that button on the wall beside you. and I’ll walk you through it. But you’ve got to learn how to do this on your own.”
I would be taking her home one day. The nurse didn’t say that, but I knew that was what she meant. I hadn’t allowed myself to imagine taking Lila Kate home without Harlow. It wasn’t something I wanted to consider. Now there was a chance I would have to take our daughter home without her. I didn’t want that. I wanted her mother with us. I wanted my family.
“You ready?” she asked.
I nodded. I had to be ready. I was Lila Kate’s daddy.
She placed the little bundle in my arms, and her clean baby scent hit my nose. Her little eyes studied me as she gazed up at me.
“I’ll leave you two alone. Buzz if you need me,” the nurse said, then left us.
I cuddled her close to my chest, and it was amazing how little she weighed. She felt like a feather. Her small thumb found her mouth again.
“I just saw Mommy. She hasn’t opened her eyes yet, but she’s going to. She wants to, because she wants to see you so much. We just have to be patient. Give her time to heal. The first thing she’s going to want to do is hold you. I better enjoy this now, because once she wakes up, she may never let you go. I can’t wait to see my two favorite girls together. It’ll be the prettiest picture in the world.”
Lila Kate frowned and puckered up like she was about to cry. I wasn’t sure what to do with crying babies, but it was time I figured it out. I pulled her up higher on my chest and tucked her toward me. Then we rocked.
The motion soothed her, and the puckered pre-cry look went away. Her little eyes started to slowly close.
And as if it was the most natural thing in the world, I sang to her. Every lullaby I could think of as I rocked her. Long after her little eyes closed and she turned her face to bury it in my chest, I continued to sing to her.
A knock on the door interrupted my singing, and I looked up as Blaire stuck her head in the room. She looked unsure, but she eyed Lila Kate like she wanted to get a hold of her. Too bad I wasn’t handing her over.
“I brought the bags from the house Harlow had packed. I searched the drawers for anything smaller for Lila Kate to wear home, but there wasn’t anything for preemies.”
“She’s wearing what Harlow bought her. It’ll work. Harlow picked it out,” I said.
She smiled. “Then she needs to wear what her mommy picked out. I did find something, though. Actually, a lot of somethings. I don’t know if you know about them,” Blaire said, holding up a sealed envelope. It was Harlow’s stationery. I had seen her write on it many times. “There are a bunch of these, but this was the only loose one, and it was addressed to you, so I brought it. Maybe it wasn’t meant for you to read yet, but with things like they are now, I think it might help you. I’ll leave it here for you to read later.” She stepped closer to peer down at Lila Kate. “She’s perfect. Absolutely perfect.”
I already knew that, but hearing her agree with me made my chest swell with pride. “She looks like her mother. She had no choice but to be perfect,” I said, thinking of how I needed to get back to Harlow.
“Have Mase and Kiro seen Harlow?” I asked.
She nodded. “Mase is still in there. His mother is with him. She asked about Lila Kate, and I told her you were with her now. I think Harlow’s important to her. Anyway, you may have to kick Mase out.”
I was glad she wasn’t alone. While I was with Lila Kate, I wanted someone to be with Harlow.
“Rush said you told the doctor Harlow was your fiancée. We weren’t sure if you were just saying that or—”
“I proposed to her earlier in the evening the night this all happened. She said yes,” I said, swallowing against the emotion that came from remembering Harlow’s smile. She’d been so happy. I had been f**king thrilled. Then it had all gone to hell.
“Congratulations,” Blaire said, smiling at me. “I was wondering when that was going to happen. I can’t wait to see her ring and help her make plans.” The one thing I loved about Blaire was that she didn’t think the worst. She was positive. She believed in Harlow, too. I needed that right now.
“Thanks. I’m anxious to see it on her hand again,” I said as I gazed down at the little girl in my arms. “I’m even more anxious to see Lila Kate in her arms.”
“If you want to go back to Harlow, I’ll hold Lila Kate and stay with her. I can rock her as long as you need me to. I won’t leave her alone,” Blaire offered.
I wanted to read that letter, and I wanted to get back to Harlow.
“OK, yeah, that would be great. I don’t want to stick her back in that thing until they make me.”
“I don’t blame you. She’s seen enough of that thing.” Blaire reached for her, and I froze. She was standing up. I didn’t want anyone to stand up and hold her. It was a long way to the floor.
“What’s wrong?” Blaire asked.
“I’m, uh . . . I just . . . I don’t want you to drop her.”
Blaire’s eyes went wide, then she broke out into a huge smile. “I think I can manage not to drop her. But if it makes you feel better, you can keep your hands under her until you feel safe. God knows Rush did that enough with Nate. I’m used to it.”
She had successfully not dropped her kid for almost a year, so I decided to trust her. I handed Lila Kate over to her slowly and with extreme care. When I was sure she had a good hold on her, I moved my hands under her, then stood up slowly and stayed in the catch position until Blaire was sitting safely in the rocker.
“Success,” Blaire said teasingly.
“Thanks for staying with her. I’ll be back later. They may come in here and put her back in the incubator, but if you wouldn’t mind sitting and watching her, I’d appreciate it. She likes to be talked to while she’s in that thing.”
Blaire nodded. “Got it. We will chat. I got this. Go on, Daddy.”
I reached for the letter she had laid down when she walked in and headed out the door. I stopped to let the nurse know I’d left Lila Kate with her aunt, then headed for the elevators.
To the love of my life,
If you’ve found this letter, then I’m not at home with you and our little girl. I hope I’ve told you where to find all the letters I left behind, but if I didn’t, I’m glad you found them now.
I know I told you I would make it and that I was strong enough. I was determined enough to get through this. I had hoped that if I believed it hard enough, I would be able to get through it.
Forgive me. I never wanted to leave you. I wanted that life we talked about. I wanted to hold our little girl and watch Lila Kate take her first steps with you. I wanted all those things. If you’re reading this now, I didn’t get those things, but I did have you.