Not a day goes by that I don’t ache for you and dream about you. I’d love to tell you to find someone to love you and be happy but I can’t do that, Ladybug. I’m selfish when it comes to you. You’re all I have and all I love and I can’t give you up. Try not to give me up, either.
I love you like no tomorrow,
Blue
That familiar ache burns in my stomach and spreads up to my chest, then to my throat. All I want to do is call him and tell him how much I miss him. I want to tell him I don’t care if he drinks or does drugs or walks halfway across the planet. If we love each other this much, we should be together no matter what.
Maybe I’ve been too hard on him, expecting him to be some kind of perfect that doesn’t exist. Lots of people have addictions and they still have careers and relationships. If I’m patient with him, maybe we can find a way to overcome it and he’ll quit for good. It would be so much better than this. There’s no reason we can’t work this out together.
I grab my phone and dial his number.
“Mom?” Lyric pokes her head through the doorway. “Are we taking Acorn for his walk?”
And there it is, my adorable, sweet, world of reason.
Smiling, I press the end call button on the phone before Blue answers.
“I was just coming to get you,” I answer, folding the note back up and putting it in my nightstand with all the others I have saved over the years.
I hope you’re right, Blue, and someday we get this right. For all of us.
Chapter Thirty
Do you think you broke my heart, baby? Do you think I laid down and died?
You ripped my soul out, darlin’, did you think I didn’t care?
If you thought you knew me, take a look around
I don’t even know me, and I’m sick of the lies,
Sweet insanity, where the fuck have you been?
You know you’ve always been my best friend
You showed me heaven, baby, now I’ll show you hell.
I grip the steering wheel and Ditra leans forward and changes the radio station to something else.
“I’m so sick of his lyrical tantrums.” She sighs and puts her bare foot up on my dashboard. “He needs to get over it and get his shit together already.”
“I don’t want to talk about him,” I reply, and I don’t. I don’t even want to think about him.
“Billy saw them in concert last month and said they killed it. He loves these harder rock songs on their new album. I guess it’s true that agony breeds creativity.” Billy. Also known as Mohawk Guy. He went home with Ditra that night of the concert and never left. Turns out he’s a nice guy. Smart, too. He’s a video game developer making six figures. He doesn’t have the Mohawk anymore, thankfully. His hair is shoulder length now instead of sticking a foot off the top of his head and he’s actually very good looking. He and Ditra are crazy about each other and have even talked about getting married soon.
I never thought Ditra would be the one to fall in love and get married and I’d be the one single one.
I park the car in front of the café, Ditra puts her shoes back on, and we go inside. Our Thursday night ritual has been sporadic over the years, but we still do our best to get together as often as we can, whether it’s for dinner, or to grab a latte and pastry like we’re doing tonight.
“How’s work?” I ask once we’re settled at our table.
“Crazy busy. I referred Boner to a male masseuse.”
“Finally! You should have done that weeks ago. It’s so gross and inappropriate.”
She bites into her apple streusel and nods as she chews. “It happens sometimes when you give people a massage. They get a little emotional, they get a little turned on. It comes with the territory of putting your hands on people. But he took it to a whole new level. I can’t have someone with a monstrous dick having a boner every damn week and staring at me like it’s my fault or something.” She shudders. “In all the years I’ve been doing this he’s the only one who’s ever grossed me out.”
“I’d probably get turned on if you were massaging me, too,” I tease.
“You should let me give you a massage. I can see your stressed-out shoulders from here. Are you using the ergonomic keyboard I bought you?”
“I can’t type on that thing to save my life.” I tried. Really. But the big split in the center of the keyboard and the angled keys drove me crazy.
“It takes a while to get used to.”
“I can’t do it. I went from typing ninety words per minute to ten words per minute. It was messing up my productivity big time.”
“Then you should do the exercises I showed you.”
“I have been,” I lie. Ditra is all into body therapy and likes to use me as her guinea pig, which I don’t mind because it makes her happy. The keyboard was a disaster, but the back cushion she gave me for my office chair is amazing.
“You said you wanted to talk to me about something tonight. Is everything okay?”
I nod. “Nothing’s wrong. I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. And I think it’s time for Lyric and me to get our own house.”
She lets out an odd laugh. “You’re kidding.”
“No, I’m serious. I think it’s best for everyone involved. Why? You don’t agree?”
“You’re not going to believe this. I have something for you,” she says, pulling her leather purse into her lap. She fishes around and comes out with a folded piece of paper that she slides across the table at me.
“This better not be another dating site,” I say, leering at the paper like it might bite me.
“It’s not, I promise.”
I’m surprised to see it’s a real estate listing for a small bungalow style house. I glance over it quickly—three bedrooms, two baths, small yard, cute porch on the front, lots of flowers. It’s perfect.
I smile, but feel surprised and slightly confused. Although I suppose I shouldn’t feel that way. Ditra’s my best friend. I’m sure, just like me, she also was starting to think that it’s time for me to spread my wings.
“It’s the house directly behind ours. My backyard touches that backyard. As soon as I saw the for-sale sign go up a few days ago, I thought of you.”
“It’s like you read my mind. I’ve been debating getting my own place for months. It’s a hard decision to make. Josh and I are so close, and Lyric loves him.”
“This house would be perfect for you,” she says. “I love you. And Josh. It’s great that you guys are such close friends. But you both need some kind of kick in the ass. You’re using each other as a crutch to avoid getting involved with other people. You guys have taken friends with benefits to a bizarre extreme.”
“I don’t know about that….” I say, even though I know she’s right.
“It’s true. And I’m not sure it’s good for Lyric now that she’s getting older. She pretty much views Josh as her father.”
I shake my head and break my sugar cookie into four pieces, dipping one piece into my latte. “No, she doesn’t. She knows Josh isn’t her dad. He’s like an uncle to her.”
“She thinks you two are basically married. She doesn’t understand. I think it’s going to give her a warped idea about relationships.”
I think about that for a moment, and I can understand why Ditra is concerned. I would never want Lyric to be negatively affected by anything I do.
“You’re thirty, Piper. Even though you still look twenty, but I’ll bitch about that later. But as your best friend, I want you to have more in your life. You should be dating. You should be getting over Blue and not living in la-la land with Josh. And Josh is another story. I think he’s afraid to commit because he doesn’t know if he prefers dick or pussy and he’s afraid he’s going to choose the wrong one.”
“Ditra! That’s horrible.” She’s right though. I know it and Josh knows it. Everyone knows it.
“I’m being honest.”
“I know.”
“I just really want to see you happy and I feel like you’re letting so much of your life slip away because you’re not letting yourself move on. You’ve been using Josh as a safety net for too long. As you well know, I dated a lot of guys and I figured out what I liked and didn’t like and I knew what I wanted.”
“And you knew you wanted a guy with a Mohawk and a ring in his nose?”
“No. I knew I wanted a guy who makes me laugh, doesn’t want kids, doesn’t mind that I’m kind of messy, has a good job and isn’t a lazy ass, and looks at me like I’m the only girl in the world. That’s what I found.”
She did find that. Billy really is a great guy that was masked behind some strange decor. I’m glad my night of hunting down Blue turned into a happily ever after for them.
I wish I had been as lucky.
She taps her fingernail on the real estate listing to bring my attention back to it. “Now about the house. I have the details on it.”
I smile at her and take a deep breath. While I planned to tell her I wanted to start looking at houses, I had no idea I’d have one put in front of me so quickly. “Okay, I’m listening.”