“I swear to God I’m telling the truth. You want brutal honesty? I jerk off on one of the pictures you sent me and I come all over your face.”
I’m totally horrified but also strangely turned on. “Oh my God! Isn’t that messy?”
“Not really. I put it in one of those clear plastic sleeves. I bought a case of them so I just throw it out and put your picture in a new one every day.”
“You are so twisted. I can’t even tell if you’re kidding.”
He laughs with me, and it’s so good to hear him happy and joking, even if he’s being an ass. I can’t remember the last time he acted sexy and flirty with me, but I’ve missed this side of him.
“Ya know what, Piper? If you’re the one that’s got a hold on me? Then that’s it. I can go without sex if I have to. Maybe that makes me weird, I dunno. The way I look at it, I’ve always been too much of a fucked-up mess to give you any kind of normalcy, but I can give you my heart and I can give you my body. We’ve had a shit ton of ups and downs, but I’ve always believed that we’re not over. So no, there’s no one else.”
Hugging my comforter tighter to me, I lean my head into the phone and quietly sob. Life and love can be so cruel and beautiful and utterly confusing. This isn’t the love I dreamed of as a little girl. This isn’t the whirlwind romance I swooned over in books. There’s no sparkly ring, no wedding bells, no husband holding our baby in the delivery room. But what we have is a real love. It’s dark, and ugly; raw and passionate. It brings pain and it brings happiness and everything in between. This love—our love—is a love that never dies. It withers in the dark and comes back to life again under bright moments even stronger than it was before.
I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand. “For someone as fucked up as you are, sometimes you’re really kinda perfect, too.”
“I guess I have my rare moments...”
“You do.”
“You’re the only one that’s ever looked past the dirt to see the flowers, Ladybug. That’s why I can’t let you go.”
How does he somehow manage to say the right things?
“I really wish I could hug you right now,” I whisper.
He’s quiet on the other end, and I worry I’ve said too much and wrecked his good mood. But then he answers. “Maybe we can work on arranging that. I can’t promise I’ll let you go, though.”
God, I’m in trouble. He’s bulldozing his way right back into my heart again.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I feel like someone injected a rainbow up my butt. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt so happy, so hopeful, and so excited for each new day to start. I’ve started going to the park again, because now I can think about Blue, and I can visit our memories without falling apart. I can smile at the ghosts of our past that still linger under the old bridge, and not run away from them.
Four weeks of talking on the phone for hours every night coupled with pages of heartfelt emails has changed us. We’ve rebuilt our friendship, and are creeping toward more. I won’t jinx it by putting a label on what we are.
We video chat on the weekends, and he plays guitar and sings for me—all shirtless and sexy and swoony and I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet. One night after Lyric went to bed I put Acorn in front of the web cam so Blue could see him, and he started to cry. When Acorn heard his voice, he ran around in excited circles with his penguin in his mouth.
We’ve talked about spending a weekend together, and we’re figuring out what would be better—me flying to him, or him coming to see me. The best part, the most shocking part, is his new willingness to meet Lyric if things go well between us after a few months. If—and only if—he remains clean. The plan to meet Lyric was entirely his idea, which is huge. Huge!
I’m going to be very cautious with Lyric, though. Meeting her father will be confusing for her, and life changing. It’s a big commitment on Blue’s part that will require a lot of patience and I’m not sure he’s ready for all of that yet. In the meantime, I’ve slowly made Lyric aware that I’ve been talking to a ‘friend’ every night, to ease her into the idea of me having a man in my life other than Josh.
Tonight I make spaghetti and meatballs for dinner, and we eat together—Josh, Lyric, and I, which we try to do a few nights a week. Growing up, my parents always insisted we eat dinner together as a family every night. Now that I’m older I can look back and see how important that was—to have that stability with loved ones every day. I want to give Lyric the same.
After dinner Josh leaves for a date, Lyric works on a Lego castle she’s been building for the last week, and I do forty-five minutes of aerobics in front of the television. Before heading upstairs to shower, I check my email and see I have one from Blue.
Piper,
I feel like shit tonight. It’s just a headache but I’m gonna hit the sack early.
I hope you had a good day, beautiful.
I’ll call you tomorrow night.
Love,
Blue
I reply:
Blue,
I’m so sorry, I hope you feel better! Call me if you can’t sleep, I don’t mind if you wake me.
I miss you bunches and love you always.
Kisses,
me
“I missed you last night. Do you feel better today?”
“My head is still fuckin’ rocking. I missed you, too, babe.”
“I wish you didn’t still get these headaches.”
“Me too. They’re gettin’ old. Tomorrow I’m going to look into flights, if you’re still okay with coming here? You can meet the guys, see where I live. We’ll go out to eat, look at the local sheds. All that happy stuff.”
I laugh at his shed joke. “I’m totally fine with that. Except the shed part.”
I’m looking forward to seeing Blue’s condo and be in his world. I’ve often wondered what kind of decor he’s into, what color bedspread he has, if he has any photos on the wall. They’re such simple details, but will mean so much to actually see.
“And I’ll let you decide if you want to stay at a hotel or stay here with me. Or I can stay at the hotel with you. Whatever’ll make you happy, I’m down with. I’m paying for it, so don’t even try to argue about it.”
“If you insist. Let me think about the hotel thing. Once we figure out dates, I’ll let HR know. I’m sure my mom will love having Lyric for a weekend, and Josh won’t mind taking care of the pets for me. He’s home most of the time.”
I hear the click of his piercing against his teeth. “Who’s Josh?”
“My roommate? I’ve mentioned him a hundred times.”
“You never said it was a guy.”
My brain cells spin around like the Windows hourglass. I’m positive I told him about Josh quite a few times over the years. “Um, I kept saying Josh. That’s a guy’s name.”
“You never told me that.” His voice is flat, almost cold now, and completely different from a few moments ago.
“I’m sorry, I just thought you knew.”
“So where does Josh sleep?”
“In his room. Blue, there’s nothing going on if that’s what you’re thinking. We’ve been friends since high school. And he’s gay. Well, bi. Whatever. But we’re strictly friends. We’ve been living here with him in his house since Lyric was three years old. I don’t know what I would’ve done without him, to be honest.”
“It’s his house?”
“Yes. It’s huge. We all have our own bedrooms and bathrooms and there’s a big fenced-in yard and a swing set. It’s perfect for Lyric and Acorn.”
“So you guys are all living together like a family in his big house?”
His voice rises with each set of questions, and I can picture him running his hand through his hair and pacing around the room. I’m clueless as to why he’s suddenly getting angry about my living arrangement. I know I’ve mentioned it to him many times and I can’t understand how he could have forgotten.
“Well, yeah, I guess if you want to put it like that, then yes. Josh has been great helping me take care of Lyric over the years. He takes her to school sometimes, he spends a lot of time playing with her. She thinks of him as an uncle. He’s a good guy, and she’s crazy about him.”
There’s a long silence on the other end, and I wait patiently, hoping that’s the end of this conversation and we can go back to planning our weekend together. Unfortunately, the silence continues, reaching into awkward proportions, until I have to put an end to it.
“Is something wrong? You sound like you’re getting mad and I don’t understand why.”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure how I feel about all this. With this guy.”
“There’s nothing to feel. He’s just a friend who offered me an amazing place to live. My apartment was way too small for myself, a toddler, a cat, and a dog. I was having a hard time finding something bigger that was also in a nice neighborhood, close to my family, and close to my office. I was doing my best. I wasn’t expecting to have a dog and a baby, remember?”
I probably shouldn’t have added that last part, but he’s starting to upset me with his mild insinuation that I’m doing something wrong.