“Oh. So some other fucking guy just gets to have my chick, my kid, and my dog? And I’m not supposed to be pissed about that?”
“Nobody has your anything, Blue. You left, remember? I was alone and doing the best I could to give Lyric and your dog a nice home. Excuse me for not getting your permission, but I had no damn idea who or where you even were!”
I’ve never seen him act like this—tossing out accusations and walking the line of jealousy over another man being in mine, Lyric’s, and Acorn’s life. Has it taken all these years for him to regret his decisions?
“Why haven’t you moved out? You must make enough money now to get your own nicer place. Especially with the money I send you every month.”
“Because this is our home. I have no reason to leave. And please don’t throw money in my face. You don’t send it every month for one thing, and when you do, I put all of it into an account for Lyric for when she’s older.”
The telltale spark of the lighter is heard, then an angry inhale. “I don’t like you living with some fucking guy who I don’t even know. And how do I know what else you’re keeping from me or what else is going on?”
“Don’t you dare!” I seethe, fed up with all of this craziness. “I’m not keeping anything from you, and there shouldn’t be any issue over Josh at all. If it weren’t for him, I never would’ve seen you that night in Boston. He’s the one who got me the tickets.”
He scoffs. “You want me to thank him, Piper? Pay him back for the tickets? I’m sure you regret that whole night, anyway.”
My blood starts to boil and now I’m the one pacing my bedroom, from the door to the window and back again.
“What is wrong with you tonight?” I ask. “Why are you acting like this? Josh is a friend and that’s it. And no, I don’t regret that night, even though it turned into a total disaster.”
He says nothing. I want to cry and throw something across the room.
“I’m gonna go,” he mumbles.
My stomach drops. “You’re just going to leave things like this?” I ask tearfully.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I need to go do things.”
“What?” My voice catches in my throat and it takes me a few seconds to recover. “What things?”
“I just need this to stop. I have to go for a jog. There’s a lake I like to jog to and I want to go before it rains. I should do about ten miles.”
I pull the phone away and stare at it, then put it back to my ear. “What are you talking about? It’s late.” He’s three hours behind me, making it ten p.m. there, which is late to go for a ten-mile jog around a lake.
Isn’t it?
“It doesn’t matter what time it is, Piper. I just want to jog.”
I let out a massive sigh of mental exhaustion and close my eyes for a full five seconds. His erratic mood swing is confusing me, and I don’t want to fight with him, especially when things have been so perfect. I need this to stop, too. I’m not going to go for a jog, but I’m definitely going to go to bed and hope for a better tomorrow.
“Okay,” I say. “Do what you need to do, then. It’s late and I have to work in the morning.”
Questions sit at the tip of my tongue, but I suck them back. I won’t ask him if he’s started doing drugs again. I won’t make him feel like I’m doubting him.
“I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Click.
Did he just hang up?
Without saying goodbye or I love you?
He did.
Crying, I sit on the edge of my bed and cover my face with my hands. I’m tempted to pick up the phone and call him back and somehow undo what just happened and go back to happiness and normalcy. Past experience has taught me that if I force him to talk, he will just put walls up, though, and that’s the last thing I want to do. He’ll end up walking fifty miles tonight and end up God-knows-where.
A scratching sound breaks through the sound of my own sobs. Acorn is pawing at the bed.
Smiling weakly, I pat the bed next to me. “Come on up, pupper. We’ll go to sleep.”
He whimpers and rests his chin on the mattress, lifting one paw up.
“Come on,” I say softly. “Let’s go to bed.”
He whimpers again, lifts one front paw, then puts it back on the floor, then lifts the other paw, only to put it back down. His big brown eyes stare up at me and I realize he can’t jump up. Frowning, I bend down and gently lift him onto the bed, and I curl up next to him, my face close to his, nose to nose. I stroke the soft fur of his forehead and watch his eyes close as he falls asleep. So many times this dog has comforted me, kept me warm when I shivered in the shed, kept me company on my loneliest days. People should be more like dogs—with unwavering and unconditional love no matter what. Always happy to see us, always grateful to be with us, never hurting us.
Tomorrow I’ll ask Josh to build a ramp next to the bed for Acorn, and Blue can screw himself if he doesn’t like it.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Two days.
Forty-eight hours.
Give or take a few hours, minutes, and seconds.
That’s how long it’s been since I heard from Blue. That might not seem like a long time to some, but it is after talking to him for hours every single night. That time with him has become an incredibly bright spot in the day, something I need to help me get through the day like a morning coffee.
I called him once, and emailed him twice—with no answer from either, and I can’t even describe how upsetting that was. I’ve picked up the phone to call him again at least fifty times, and I’ve chewed my fingernails to stubs debating whether I should call Reece to see if Blue’s okay.
But I don’t want to be that girl.
I’ve been that girl in various degrees for the past few years and I swore I’d never let myself be that crying, speed-dialing, crazy-ass message-leaving person again.
It is so very hard, though, to miss someone—to ache for them emotionally and physically. Blue has turned me into just as much an addict as he is.
Unfortunately, there’s no rehab program for love. Ditra has urged me a million times to date, have sex with other men, and hopefully fall in love with someone else. But to me, that’s a rebound. Or a distraction. I can’t get involved with another guy hoping I’ll love him more, want to be with him more, and will eventually get over Blue. What if I never get over him? That wouldn’t be fair to anyone. I’ve always chosen to just be alone, keep myself as busy as possible, be the best mother I can, and try to put him out of my mind.
Does that work? No.
Especially when I have to look at a little face every day that looks so much like him. And another little face that comes with a wagging tail.
I have a feeling that even if I didn’t have Lyric and Acorn, I’d still be thinking of Blue every day and waiting for our time to come.
After three days of Blue being MIA, my phone rings in the middle of the night, jarring me out of a sound sleep. Before I even answer I know it’s him and I already know he’s going to be a mess.
“Hello?”
“Ladybug, it’s me.” My ear is filled with his deep, scratchy voice. Not his sexy, lemme-drop-my-panties-at-the-sound-of-it voice, but his exhausted, wasted, slurry voice.
I sigh loudly. “What are you doing?”
“I’ve been so messed up, man. I meant to call you but I just couldn’t deal with it.”
“Don’t call me man, please.”
“Sorry.” The sound of him puffing on who-knows-what fills the next few seconds. “I’m sorry, babe. I just—I just I don’t even know. I’ve been so tired and I can’t sleep for shit and my head hurts and I couldn’t find my shirt and I had so much to do but then I just had to just get away from all the noise and all the fucking people just talking and talking and talking and I just wanted to stab my own ears. Do you know what I mean?”
“Not really...”
“I know...because you’re always so good, and you’re so...clear. Ya know?”
I don’t know. I wish I did.
“Blue, I’ve been really worried about you. Do you have any idea how much it upsets me when you just stop calling and emailing and I have no idea what’s going on? You could at least send me an email.”
“I’m sorry. Don’t be mad, okay? I hate when you’re mad.”
“I’m not just mad, I’m hurt and I’m disappointed. And I worry.”
“I am too. About the guy and all that shit... it’s got me all fucked up. It’s like he’s in my life and I’m not even in it.”
Sitting up, I turn on the lamp next to my bed. “Listen to me,” I say softly. “You have nothing to worry about with Josh. He’s just a friend. I’ve never even kissed another man since I met you, and I don’t want to. I only want to be with you.”
“I dunno, babe. I can’t deal with anything. Life. The band. All the fucking clouds. I just wanna sleep and walk and maybe sleepwalk. I want to fly.” He starts to laugh and cough. “I don’t know what the hell I’m saying. I’m thinking of learning a different language. I really just want to learn new words. Better ones than what I’ve got now.”