And this is precisely what I did.
“It’s wrong and it’s shameful and it’s disloyal to Antoine’s memory. He’s barely made his way to the lap of the gods and here I am, admiring another man.”
“There’s a lot to admire about Noc, Franka,” Circe said carefully. “The guy is hot.”
“As I understand this word in your vernacular,” I replied to her, “you are very right. That makes it no less shameful and disloyal.”
“I understand your struggle,” she murmured.
“It’s more,” I stated.
Drat.
Why couldn’t I stop speaking?
“More?” Brikitta asked, her regard of me kind.
I fastened on that and kept bloody speaking.
“These past days, in being with you and Kristian, and these past weeks, being with the others and their mates, I’ve realized the inadequacies of my relationship with Antoine. My mind conjures them frequently, doing so as if trying to find some excuse for the feelings I have for Noc.”
“Shit,” Circe murmured.
She understood.
Why did that feel so good?
“Indeed,” I replied.
“Okay, listen to me,” Cora demanded, and I looked her way. “Hot guys have power. Trust me. My hot guy looks exactly like Noc so I know. When we, uh…” she paused, only her eyeballs slid Brikitta’s way and then she looked back to me and went on, “first met, he hated me. Like loathed me. Seriously. And he made no bones about it. I still thought he was hot and totally got into it any time he touched me. And forget about it if he actually kissed me.”
I found this confusing.
“Why was he touching and kissing a woman he loathed?” I queried.
“Well, because he liked doing it and, of course, he kinda wanted an heir.” She looked fully to Circe and finished on a slight grin, “He didn’t mess about getting that taken care of.”
“So you’re saying,” I began, calling her attention back to me, “simply because a man is exceptionally attractive, I should feel no compunction about my utter faithlessness to a lover I committed treason for in order to attempt to protect?”
“The way you say it makes it sound really not good,” Cora mumbled, but her eyes were still lit with good humor. “Though,” she carried on, “what you didn’t get about what I said is that obviously,” she put her hand to her belly, inside of which the second child she would give Prince Noctorno was growing, and it was put there not simply because he desired another heir, “something was there between us. Something in the end that was really, really good.”
By the goddess Adele, this was true.
“What inadequacies?” Brikitta asked.
I looked to her, still shaken by Cora’s words. “Pardon?”
“You say your mind conjures inadequacies in your relationship with Antoine. What are these conjurings?”
“I kept him,” I informed her.
“What?” Circe asked.
I looked to her. “He was a prostitute. We suited. In order for him to be solely mine and give up his employment, I kept him housed, fed, clothed, entertained, etc., and I did so in a way in which he was accustomed. He was not a partner in my life, even though in some senses he was. To all intents and purposes, however, he was my paid lover.”
“Mm…” Cora mumbled.
“This is not unusual, Franka,” Brikitta stated quietly, and I watched both Cora and Circe turn surprised expressions to her and knew from their reactions that this was not the same in their worlds.
As they’d grown accustomed, they both hid those reactions before Brikitta caught them.
Then again, her attention was fixed on me.
Still kindly.
“And such arrangements are oft not long lasting,” Brikitta went on. “That does not mean there is not affection between the two players. Or even, as in your case, love. And it does not lessen your grief, no matter what feelings you have for a man who shows you attention, is sensitive to your circumstances and is very attractive. To end, what I’m trying to explain is, you’re declaring these thoughts as ‘conjuring’ as if you’re making them up, when in fact they’re quite true.”
I didn’t wish to believe it but it couldn’t be denied she was right.
However.
“It was not solely the fact that he was not a partner in the traditional sense. He was not thus in other ways as well,” I pressed on. “For instance, Antoine did not assist me in making life decisions. Or any decisions at all. It was not only not his place, it was not his nature. He was not a pillar to lean on when times were difficult, though,” I said the last vaguely as I’d just recalled it, “I was that to him when he had some familial problems, and, of course, the troubles his friends caused when he left the life they all shared and committed to me.”
I realized after some time when the silence became prolonged in the room that I’d fallen into my thoughts.
I focused, cleared my throat and kept speaking.
“He could be a sounding board when it was needed, but advice would not be forthcoming. Noc is both. He’s very strong, and although I dislike admitting it, he’s seeing far more clearly than I at this juncture in my life and provides excellent advice. He sees options I do not think of. And he has ways that are both annoying and heartening in sharing all this with me.”
“Antoine is not here at this time to provide such things to you,” Brikitta said gently.
“But I knew him and if he was here, he would not,” I returned.