“As you knew him, I cannot say,” Brikitta conceded.
“It’s like I didn’t love him at all, having these thoughts about him, doubts about what we had,” I shared.
Brikitta sat up straighter, stating in a sharp way I would never have thought she could speak, “It isn’t any such thing.”
“I disagree,” I retorted.
“Could it be, sister, that in the presence of a man who gives you things you prize, without Antoine here, you’re simply coming to conclusions you would have come to if he actually still was, though experiencing shame at coming to them because he is lost?” Brikitta inquired.
“I don’t understand what you’re saying,” I told her.
“Did you think you’d spend the rest of your life with Antoine?” she queried.
“I’ve no idea,” I answered, though the truth was I didn’t often think far in the future. I lived in the present. My future was always murky and swirling with menaces I didn’t wish to consider so I didn’t peer too closely into those depths.
But the truth was, Antoine loved me, as I loved him, but he was who he was and I was who I was. We were both always honest about that, nothing hidden, a freedom he gave me that I cherished.
He did what he did for employment because he was good at it and because he enjoyed it. There was a good possibility he would eventually seek other amusements.
And as discomfiting as it was to realize, there was an equally good possibility I would as well.
That said, I knew in my heart if there ever was to be a parting, that parting would be sweet, not bitter, and he would remain in my life in some manner, even if he no longer was my lover, for the length of it.
“And say Antoine was alive,” Brikitta pushed, “and you met Master Noc and found he gave you these things you prized and you were attracted to him. Perhaps doing this in a way you wished to explore. Would you not think on the current relationship you were in, knowing you’d never get these things which, Franka, are not things to prize but things you need? They are things any woman needs. They are not of value. They are precious. Knowing this about a kept lover or any man you were spending your time with, you would reconsider doing that—”
“Throw him over for something better?” I interrupted to ask incredulously.
“End the relationship so you can be in one to get not only what you want but what you need,” she clarified.
“That, too, is offensive to Antoine’s memory,” I told her sharply.
I told her this but I could not say she was incorrect in her words.
“That, sister,” she said softly, “if Antoine were alive, is the way of the world. Even more so as he was your kept lover. He would know this even better than you and would undoubtedly be planning for it.”
She’s right, Antoine said in my head.
Quiet, I snapped.
“This is but another excuse, Brikitta,” I said out loud. “And I appreciate your efforts to try to make me feel better—”
“You’re torn up,” Cora cut in and I turned to her. “And I get it, Franka, honey, damn. If all that had happened to you had happened to me and Tor came into my life like Noc came into yours, my head would be totally messed up about it too.”
“Mine too, totally,” Circe chimed in.
“You’re all simply being kind,” I declared.
“Yeah, we girls do that for each other,” Cora stated. “But, Franka, what you’re dealing with, we would not blow sunshine. No way. If I didn’t agree with Brikitta, I’d keep my mouth shut.”
“Me too,” Circe added.
“It also could be that you’re denying what’s growing between you and Master Noc, what we all can see quite vividly, because you wish to punish yourself as your parents have done for decades, not believing you deserve to be happy,” Brikitta put in.
“I wish to cause no offense, but that’s absurd,” I told her, truly not wishing to cause offense, believing it was absurd. “Lest I remind you, I committed treason for Antoine.”
“Nothing we’re saying negates your feelings for him, Franka,” Brikitta returned. “I know as fact you love your brother, and if he were to be taken by those witches, you would have done the same. Love makes us behave in a variety of manners we never would expect. You honored Antoine greatly with your action.”
I blinked in utter shock at this declaration but my sister-in-law was not done.
“What I wish to make clear to you is that you don’t dishonor him by living your life, feeling your feelings, thinking the thoughts you’ve had now that he’s gone. They’re natural. And you shouldn’t punish yourself for them. And it should be noted that no relationship, no matter how much love there is or how strong it may be, is perfect. I’ve no doubt you wish to think back on Antoine and what you had with him only with a rosy hue.” Her face softened. “But I think, my sister, that it’s also a natural progression in the process of grief to come to the realization that what you had was strong and beautiful, but it was not what nothing ever can be…perfect.”
She was not incorrect about that either.
It would seem for years I’d missed not only the fact my sister-in-law was quite pretty in her own way and gave my brother many precious things, but she was also quite wise.
“Not to mention, you put your life on the line to rectify that.” Circe did her own reminding.
My eyes moved to her.
“And I put my brother and his family’s lives on the line while committing the treason I committed,” I continued my own reminding.