Pushing me a little, she sat upright, snuggling closer in my arms. “Because I love you, and I didn’t want to let you down.”
I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.
I squeezed my eyes, unable to look at her. I was the worst kind of villain. Once a devil always a devil. I’d finally shown my true form. I’d shown Tess just how heinous I truly was. I’d lost my soul.
“Let me down? Fuck, Tess, you’ve just destroyed me. You let me do that against your will.”
She shook her head. “It wasn’t against my will. I let it happen. I gave myself to you because I love you.”
A cavernous hole opened in my chest, sucking me down and down. I didn’t deserve her love. I deserved nothing. Nothing.
“You can’t love me. Not now.”
Her face shone with tears but the strength I’d needed so badly shone in her gaze. “Yes. I do.”
I couldn’t bear to look at her anymore. Bowing my head, I concentrated on the sickness rampaging my body. I threw myself into the pit of pain knowing it was all I ever deserved.
“Q—” Her hand landed on my cheek. “Look at me.”
I couldn’t.
“Q—it’s okay.”
Rage.
She’d made me become this…this monster by being the perfect submissive. She’d drawn out the part of me I’d forever kept dormant. There was nothing okay about that.
“Don’t. Just stop it. None of this is okay. Don’t you get it? I would’ve raped you. I would’ve been no better than those f**kers I’ve put down like dogs. Don’t you dare tell me this is okay!”
Tess flinched but her touch never left my face. Her eyes locked onto mine, looking angelic and so forgiving.
The anger suddenly evaporated, leaving me a trembling wreck. Resting my forehead against hers, I whispered, “We’re broken.”
Tess froze. “No. Don’t say that.”
“We are. I’ve ruined us. Ruined you. Ruined everything.”
“I’ll get better. I’ll find myself again. I know I will.”
I didn’t believe her.
“Did you even want me before—when we first arrived?” The need to know filled me with undeniable urgency. She’d come for me. She’d been wet. But what if I took advantage? What if she hadn’t wanted me to go near her? I was already condemned.
“Yes. More than anything. I loved having you inside me.”
My arms lassoed tighter, trying to calm the confusion inside. The migraine coated everything in gritty agony—lacing with tears I wished I could shed.
Then it hit me.
The truth.
The truth Tess had tried so hard to hide and by doing so fed the demons inside.
She no longer wanted pain.
The jitters stopped, leaving me freezing cold and numb.
She doesn’t want what I do anymore.
Tess curled closer, her eyes swimming with tears. She knew I’d figured it out.
“I’m so sorry, Q. So sorry.”
I couldn’t stand her apologising—not when I’d be forever indebted and endlessly sorry for what I’d done.
“You’ve nothing to apologise for.”
“But I can’t give you what you need anymore. I’m the one who ruined everything.”
Temper thawed my numbness. “It wasn’t you. It was them.” Capturing the back of her neck, I glared into her eyes. “Listen to me, Tess. Nothing and I mean nothing can stop me from loving you. I don’t f**king care if you no longer need pain. I’ve sworn my life to you—if you’ll still have me—don’t you ever feel guilty for this.”
“But it isn’t enough.” She used her hair as a cloak to hide her true despair, but I saw it. Fuck, I tasted it. “It isn’t enough for you,” she breathed.
She’s right.
I hated that she was right.
No matter how much I wished it. No matter how hard I tried. I would never be able to control myself without a small outlet—a small avenue of granting what I so needed.
You almost broke her. That’s enough to bury those urges forever.
A small curl of confidence strengthened me. I could use the debilitating fear of what I’d just done as a deterrent. Yes, I could bury them. Because I never wanted to hurt Tess again.
“Esclave. I don’t give a f**k anymore. I refuse to lay one finger on you. After today, I’ll keep my needs under control.” I sighed, hugging her harder. “I want you. You and me. Together. That’s all that matters.”
All my life I never thought I’d find someone to match me. I’d carefully kept my heart locked away for that very reason. No woman should have to put up with a man like me.
But life decided to create a perfect other. A girl so strong and brave I was in total awe of her.
And I fell flat on my face in love with her.
I’d had the perfection of a life I never thought I could have for three f**king days. Then the devil stole her, hurt her, damaged her, and left me with a shattered dream.
Fucking bastards.
I howled for my loss. I snarled for the ghost of the girl I’d fallen for.
I’d lost her and any chance of complete happiness I stood to have.
Looking at her, I drank in her beauty. I’ve lost you.
Tess shifted in my arms. “You haven’t. Don’t ever think that.”
My eyes flared. “I didn’t say anything.”
Her gaze turned liquid with sadness. “You didn’t have to. I know you think you’ve lost me. But you haven’t. You never will.” Her chilled body scattered with goosebumps even in the warm room. The sunlight had faded to twilight, leaving us in shadows.
“This changes nothing. I still want you to love me in your way. I need you to still take me. Promise.”
My lips pulled back. “You can’t be serious. I’m not going to hit you for my own pleasure. That makes me no better than everything I’ve run away from.” I swallowed, trying to keep my heart from threading with anger. “It was different before. You wanted it. I fed off you—I lived to please you. But now…” I sucked in a breath. “Don’t ask me to hurt you again, esclave, because I won’t. Ever.”
She shook her head, curls cascading over her shoulders. “Don’t say that. I want you to. You have to believe me.”
My muscles locked in incredulous anger. Imprisoning her, I glowered. “Forgive me, Tess, but everything you just said is bullshit. Your lies piss me off. I know you don’t want it.”