But then the voice of reason smashed my limbs.
You’ll never forgive yourself for doing this against her will.
But that was the kicker. I couldn’t tell if this was against her will or if she wanted it as much as I did.
Tess’s pulse hammered beneath my grip; her skin turned cool as winter. For the first time in my sorry existence, I couldn’t control the bastardly desires roaring in my blood.
Giving her one last chance to stop this, I whispered, “Tell me to stop. Tell me what you’re not letting me see.” My eyes dropped down her na**d body, searching for clues of horror or lust. She was blank in both nuances and speech. “Do you want me to hurt you, esclave? Do you want me to fill you with my c**k and grant you pain while you come?”
Something darted in her gaze, then was gone. A snake in the grasses of f**king temptation.
Tess dropped her hold on my wrist, stroking my cheek. Her gentle caress jolted me, granting me a lifeline in the sea of black.
I loved her.
I adored her.
I didn’t want to hurt her.
“You never have to ask. I’m yours. I want what you want. I want whatever you give me.” Her soothing voice twisted my brain.
See she wants this, too. You’ve nothing to worry about. Take her. Stop holding back.
Relief and excitement shoved away the hesitation and uncertainty. My fingers tightened, cutting off her air. Her eyes flared but displayed no other sign of alarm.
Don’t. Pull away. Something isn’t right.
That voice. The words of wisdom I always listened to.
Too bad it faded with every heartbeat.
Pressing my lips against hers, I never looked away from her blue-grey depths. She stood so regal, not slouching or trembling when I released my grip. “Are you telling me the truth?”
Tess never spoke to me in French, but she whispered, “Je comprends. C'est bon.” Yes. It’s okay.
Her touch threaded through my hair, cupping the back of my skull. Her nails sank into my scalp, causing me to break out in shivers. The sharp thrill reminded me all too well of being strapped to the bed and at her f**king mercy.
She’d torn me apart.
She’d flayed me alive.
She’d made me weak.
The beast inside growled; I trembled, trying to keep the cage locked and secure.
“Take your hands off me, Tess,” I said, low and curt. Gritting my teeth, I fought against the violent craving. The one screaming of retribution. I wanted payback. Strike for strike. Lash for lash.
Tess stiffened, dropping her arms.
The sane part of my brain—the part unshadowed by monsters—fought to understand what had changed. Something about her drew everything evil to the surface. She called to this awful part of me.
Squeezing my eyes, I hissed, “I need you to stop.”
Stop so I don’t hurt you. I don’t want to f**king hurt you.
Yes, you do.
“There’s nothing to stop,” she murmured. “I want this. I want you.”
“Stop!” I roared, shaking her. My fingers burned to choke. Unable to stand touching her, I shoved her away. She fell onto the chaise, her br**sts bouncing with the force of her fall.
I spun away, clutching my head. Get out. Get out!
I had to get control. I had to find a way to protect her. None of this was right.
Then why does she give you permission?
I opened my eyes, hoping to see the strong unsullied woman I’d fallen so madly for. I needed to see her strength. But all I saw was a shell. A vacant shell.
Fuck!
I took a step back, cursing when something sharp poked my sole. I looked down and my stomach hollowed out.
My belt.
Hit her. Strike her. Turn her white skin red.
Breathing hard, I stared right into Tess’s flushed face. Where was my esclave? The equal measure of f**kedupness I’d come to rely on was gone—twisted into something entirely different that I couldn’t understand.
Her fire had been replaced by acceptance and resilience. Her eyes didn’t taunt me to hurt her, or glimmer with lust. She stood, waiting like a perfect f**king slave.
Goddammit!
My anger went from simmering to explosive; I lost another part of my soul.
Her panting chest drew my attention; my eyes devoured her na**d flesh. “I can’t stop it. Whatever you’re doing—it’s making it worse. Ten times worse. A thousand times worse.” The roaring grew louder, tearing my brain apart with the need to give in. “Tess—you’re…” You’re not safe. Run!
Her entire body flushed with fear before being hidden by submission. Her back straightened. Her eyes screamed some silent message while her mouth devastated my remaining self-control.
“Do it. Please, Q. You need to. I see how much you need to.”
I wrenched my hair. Tell the truth. Stand up to me.
Only she could stop this. Only she could put me back on the leash I desperately needed.
“I’ll hurt you. Do you understand that?” I could barely speak through clenched teeth.
Silence.
Tell me no. Be brave.
She bowed her head. “Yes.”
I shook my head, disbelieving. “I’ll draw blood. Do you want that?”
Her shoulders rolled. “I understand.”
“I’ll make you f**king scream. You can’t mean it.”
Her body hunched. “I do. I do mean it.”
The beast roared, and I had nothing left. No sanity, no strength. She’d given me absolute control while presenting her fear and acceptance in front of a man who’d fought against his baser desires all his life.
This was why I ran from weak women.
This was why I never let myself go near a slave who’d been used to the point of graceful compliance.
Because I wasn’t f**king strong enough to say no. I wouldn’t hold back—not now.
The leash snapped free. The cage flung wide.
I snatched the belt off the floor.
Breathing harder than I ever had before, I slammed down on the chaise beside Tess and yanked her over my lap.
The rapid pace of her chest rose and fell; her clammy skin stuck to my thighs as panic sprang from her pores. I’d crossed the threshold of no turning back.
Tess wiggled, but I held her down.
“Q…Q, wait.” Her voice rose an octave, filling with terror.
Before, it would’ve been enough to cut through the dense black fog I existed in, reining me back.
But not now.
Now it f**king fed me.
Having her splayed, so vulnerable over my legs, set free every diabolical demon inside. I would hit her. I would f**k her. And I wouldn’t stop until I tasted her blood.