God.
God!
I ran away from the table like the fraught heroine in a romantic comedy.
How humiliating.
“Don’t worry about that shit; tell me what’s in your head.”
“Sam –”
“What’s in your head?”
“I can’t –”
His face got closer. “Tell me. What’s in your head? Tell me everything that’s goin’ through your head.”
“I’m unclean,” I blurted and his head jerked.
Then he asked, “What?”
“Sam,” I shook my head, “just let me go.”
“Kia –”
“Just let me go!” I shrieked, losing it, tearing out of his arms, taking four quick steps back, I yanked my bag off my shoulder and threw it on the bed.
He started toward me but I lifted up a hand as if to fend him off and he stopped.
“He hit me,” I whispered, it just came out and I watched Sam’s body go rock solid but I couldn’t stop the words flowing so they kept coming. “He backhanded me and he did it so often, I had a scale, how bad it was, I’d rate it. My head whipped to the side that was a one. He took me to the floor that was a ten. And that was the worst because if I hit the floor, more often than not, he’d kick me.”
Sam didn’t move, not an inch, not a twitch, his eyes didn’t even leave me.
“He wore steel toed boots to work.”
Sam moved then, or at least the muscle in his cheek did.
He knew what I was saying.
“I tried to leave, six times, Sam, and never, not once, did I call Mom or Dad, Kyle, Missy, Paula, Teri. Even Ozzie. What was the matter with me?”
“Kia –”
“They would have helped.”
“Kia –”
“It was like, like…” I shook my head and threw up my hands, “like I didn’t actually want to leave.”
“I need to come to you,” Sam said gently but I shook my head again.
“No.” I took another step back, compounding the denial and kept right on talking. “I… he… he’d get mad when I left and he… it was bad when he got me back, Sam. I learned. I learned not to leave. And he was mean and not just mean to me. I mean mean. I tried to figure it out, what changed in him, why he wasn’t who I dated in high school. He was always cocky but he was never mean. But, after he got kicked out of college because his grades were so bad and we got married and life wasn’t so easy, he wasn’t the glory boy anymore, he had to work at things; he got mean. And I worried he’d do shit like slash their tires or get them in trouble at work or follow them, mess with them, freak them out. My Mom had a heart valve replacement, like, seven years ago. She’s okay now but it was scary before we figured out what was wrong. She couldn’t take that. Teri and Missy are single. Paula only got married last year and Rudy would never let anything hurt her, not ever but that wasn’t… she hadn’t started with him until I… until after I gave up.”
“Baby –”
I kept talking, fast, my breath coming faster, speaking right over Sam.
“He had this guy, at work, he hated him. God, he obsessed about him. Everyone liked this guy, especially Cooter’s boss. It drove Cooter wild. Just wild. He started messing with him. Screwing around with his car. Doing crazy shit. God, he’d come home, tell me what he did, I couldn’t believe it, it was so crazy but he giggled himself sick. He loved it. Every minute of it. Then there was an accident at work and the guy got hurt. It was bad. So bad, he’s on Disability now, he hasn’t worked since. Cooter never said anything to me but he calmed down after that and I don’t think it was just because the guy wasn’t around. I think it was because he made the guy not be around. I couldn’t do that to my family. My friends.”
“No, honey, that’s understandable,” Sam said softly, moving a step toward me but I took a step back and he stopped.
“But all of them, Sam, I could have rallied all of them. I see that now. These past couple of days, it’s come to me. They were there to help. Some of them even told me they were there if I needed them and they told me this because they knew I needed them. It was hurting them, watching him tearing away parts of me. And, now, looking back, I know he couldn’t have taken them all on. Especially if I talked to Ozzie. Ozzie knew. Ozzie has seen a lot in his life, his job. I knew he knew what was happening to me. I should have talked to Ozzie. He would have helped me.”
“You weren’t thinkin’ then, you were scared and protecting them and yourself.”
I shook my head. Closed my eyes then opened them and looked at him.
“He was my only lover and he made me unclean.”
“Kia, we don’t know –”
“You f**k me, you f**k him and I can’t have that for you. I can’t do that to you. So I can’t have you.”
His face changed, like an understanding, it washed over his features leaving a beautiful warmth in its wake but it didn’t penetrate even when he whispered, “Baby, that’s crazy.”
“He contaminated me and he can’t contaminate you.”
“We don’t know that.”
“We know.”
His head cocked to the side. “You know?”
“I don’t know how many women he’s been with. It could be dozens. But it doesn’t matter.” I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter.” He melted as the tears filled my eyes because it hit me and when it hit me it crushed me. “He’s already contaminated me.”
The weight of this knowledge was so heavy, my legs gave out but I didn’t hit the floor. Sam caught me in his arms, I was up then we were both down on the bed, Sam cradling me and I burrowed closer, sobbing into his chest.
“That’s right, honey, get that shit out,” Sam murmured into the top of my hair and my body bucked with another sob.
He cradled me closer and held me for a long time because I cried for a long time. Then finally, the tears came slower and I lay in his arms, held close, tight and sniffling.
“Took it too fast, movin’ on you, takin’ you to bed. Fucked up, mentioning that shit to you,” he muttered like he was talking to himself, his hand moving soothingly on my back.
I lifted my hand, dragged my fingers across my cheek, stared at his shirt and mumbled, “You should really go.”
His hand stopped moving and both arms closed around me as he asked, “What?”