“It’s too late because I’m already a part of this,” she argued.
I shook my head as I pursed my lips. “No! You’re wrong. I won’t let you be my fault.”
She grabbed my face, forcing me to look at her. “We can make this work.”
I reached up to my face and put my hands on top of hers to pull them away. “No, we can’t. Your mother knows everything about me. She won’t allow us to be together.”
“It’s not her decision,” she yelled at me.
I grabbed her by her shoulders. “I won’t let you turn your back on everything for me. I’m not worth it.”
“You have no idea how wonderful you are. You’re so selfless and it’s me that doesn’t deserve you. If my mother knows everything about you, then surely she must see that, too.”
“I highly doubt that,” I laughed.
“I don’t, not even for a second,” she said as she reached on her tiptoes and began to kiss me. She ran her fingers up the back of my neck and into my wet hair as she squeezed me tightly against her. Her kisses became more intense and she began to walk backwards, pulling me with her toward where my bedroom would be.
“What are you doing?” I asked, but she grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hallway toward the bedrooms.
She stopped at the first door and asked, “Is this one yours?”
I nodded because my head was too fuzzy to answer her and she walked into my room, then stood by my bed waiting for me to join her.
She was making it so easy to forget about the reality of our glum future, and in that moment, I neglected to think of anything but having her back in my arms as I closed the distance between us. I took her in my arms and stroked my cheek against hers so lightly it tingled. I moved my lips across her face and they followed the path leading to that special place on her neck that she loved for me to kiss. I heard her moan softly and I slipped my hands up the back of her uniform top to stroke the bare skin on her back.
She began to back toward my bed and fell backwards, pulling me with her. I laid perfectly still, as did she, since my towel was dangerously close to being lost in the tumble. She searched my eyes for any clue as to what my thoughts were, then said, “Make love to me, Jessie.”
I took a deep breath, then blew it out slowly and grabbed my towel as I rolled off of her. “I can’t.”
We laid side by side staring at the droopy ceiling over my bed as it threatened to cave at any minute and she whispered, “Did I do something wrong?”
I continued staring up because I couldn’t look at her. “No, you’re absolutely perfect and you deserve so much more than this. Your first time should be special and this is the complete opposite of special. You can never take it back once it’s done and I don’t want you to ever look back on me as a regret.”
She rolled off of her back and laid on top of me, reaching for the towel barely around my hips. “You are the only thing I need to make this perfect for me.”
I grabbed her wrist. “I’m not going to sleep with you in this run down house trailer like some random whore.”
“Ugh!” she screamed. “Jessie, you have this concrete idea of what perfect should look like and it’s based on what everyone else says it should be, but what if my idea of perfect is something totally different?”
“What is your idea of perfect?” I asked.
“It would be perfect if you spent every night after this remembering how it felt to have me in this bed with you. It would be perfect if you went to sleep every night remembering how it felt to have me under you for the first time. Perfection would be you never wanting another girl like Gretchen because you can’t forget how you made love to me.”
She truly had no idea what she did to me. “I could never want anyone other than you because you have ruined every other girl in the world for me.”
As I laid there considering the idea of how to make this work with her, I heard a pounding on the door and sat up on the bed. “Stay here. Don’t come out no matter what. Got it?”
She nodded as I got up. I quickly pulled on a T-shirt and flannel pants, then went to the door to find one of Rita’s customers.
He stood rubbing his arms and stuttered when he said, “I need to see Rita.”
“She’s not here and she won’t be back for a couple of days.”
I could see he was having some pretty bad withdrawal symptoms before he said, “I’m needing a fix real bad.”
“I can’t help you, man,” I said as I begin to shut the door.
He rammed his shoulder into the door I attempted to close on him. “You might think you’re not gonna help me, but you are because I know Rita has a stash somewhere in this house.”
We were struggling at the door when he suddenly began screaming and rubbing his eyes. I shoved him away from the door and slammed it, then saw Claire standing behind me holding her car keys with the a small can of pepper spray she just used on her keyring.
With a shaky voice, Claire asked me is I was alright and I realized that this was one hell of a wake up call to remind me why Claire and I could never be together.
I looked out the window and watched the man get into the passenger side of a car and leave. When the car was out of sight, I grabbed Claire by the arm and opened the front door. I pulled her outside and walked her to her car and said, “You’ve got to go and I don’t want you to ever come back.”
31 I’ll Take What I Can Get
Claire
I know that didn’t just happen. Yet, here I sat in my car outside Jessie’s house staring at the front door he just drug me through and knew it did. I was so close to having him back, then I watched him begin to slip from my grasp with a simple knock on the front door.
I couldn’t bear to lose him again. I don’t think I could survive it a second time.
I sat in my car in disbelief of the incident that just occurred and decided that this wasn’t over. I got out of my car and stomped back to the front door, but it was locked. I lightly knocked and called for Jessie for a few times, but he didn’t come. I pounded harder on the door and raised my voice, “Jessie, please let me in so we can talk about this.”
As I beat on the door, the fear of reality began to set in and tears rolled down my face as I beat my palm against the door and screamed, “Jessie! Please! I know we can make this work because I love you.”
I slid down the door like a lunatic and sat against it. I continued to beat on the door for the next hour as I cried in desperation, but he ignored me.