“Lizzie,” he groaned, his breathing still uneven. “I don’t want to push you . . .”
He was so used to her saying no that even though she had looked and acted completely willing to move forward, he was hesitant. He didn’t want to push her away by pushing too hard. But he wanted her. It was all over his face.
And yet as dirty as she felt thinking about Brady in that moment, it all came back to her: the reason she hadn’t moved forward. Brady. She was still hung up on Brady. She couldn’t get him out of her head. She ducked into Hayden’s chest and tried not to think about Brady, but the image of him only came to her stronger.
She wasn’t ready.
Chapter 6
TRUST FOSTERS TRUST
Hey, gorgeous, are you out of class yet?
The text from Hayden flashed on her phone just as Liz was packing up. She shouldered her backpack and turned to leave. She was glad that she only had early classes on Friday.
Just got out.
Lunch? I’m starving, and I miss you.
Liz’s smile quirked on her face. Ever since that night when she had lost herself in him, she had found something in her changing. Even though they had been dating for nearly four months now, she felt what she could only associate with honeymoon butterflies: when in that initial stage of a relationship, all you wanted to do was spend all your time with the other person, and the mere thought of them made you break into a smile . . . yeah, that was where she was at.
If Hayden noticed the subtle changes in her behavior, he didn’t say anything, but he sure responded well to it. They still hadn’t had sex, but she didn’t have the same reluctance anymore. Now she had waited long enough that she just wanted the moment to be right. She didn’t want to walk into his bedroom and be like, Fuck me. Though she couldn’t see Hayden complaining about that either.
Yes. I need food. Where do you want to go?
Home . . .
Liz cracked a smile. Geez. She was giggly. She needed to work on that, but she knew she couldn’t control it.
As she was typing out a response, another message came in, this one from Justin.
Hey, I just got into town. Sorry I’m late. Are we still meeting up today?
She had totally forgotten that Justin was coming in today. She had even forgotten to tell Hayden. She should probably call him to let him know.
Yeah. Top O?
Definitely.
Liz found Hayden’s number in her phone and clicked Send. He answered immediately, “Hey. I’m just leaving the paper now. Where should I meet you?”
“Hey. About that . . .” she said awkwardly. She didn’t know why she would even let this make her uncomfortable. It was just Justin. There had never been anything romantic between them. And it certainly wasn’t like that now. Yet telling Hayden was making her a bit nervous.
She remembered telling Brady about Justin. He had gotten insanely jealous. Their relationship hadn’t even developed past sex at that point, but his jealousy had still struck her even then. It had resurfaced later after she had told him that she had gone out with Hayden in D.C. Liz closed her eyes to push out the memories, but the argument they’d had about Hayden washed over her all at once.
It doesn’t really matter! Didn’t you hear me? He’s not you! This isn’t a competition, Brady. There’s no room for jealousy.
No. She didn’t want him in her head. He hadn’t been there as much lately. She had buried him deep down inside of her where no one else could reach. It was the safest place for him. She hated the moments when life reminded her of him and fissures broke through her tough resolve.
Because the only thing I felt when he kissed me was that I was glad it was out in public. It wasn’t Hayden I wanted. It was you. And if it’s not you, then it doesn’t matter.
If it’s not you, then it doesn’t matter. God . . . she forced her mind away from it. She thought about Hayden and filled the crack with memories of his smiling face, his gentle kisses, his attention and devotion and perfection.
It all happened in a matter of seconds, but it felt like an eternity before she finally responded.
“I, uh . . . totally forgot that Justin was coming into town today and that I was meeting him for lunch,” Liz told Hayden. She waited for his judgment, his jealousy.
“Oh nice! I hope he’s doing all right since the DUI incident last summer. God, that feels like forever ago, doesn’t it?” Hayden asked.
Forever ago. Everything from the summer felt equally as if it had happened yesterday and a lifetime ago. But she could remember the whole summer in vivid detail that she was sure would never go away.
“Yeah,” she agreed, because she didn’t know what else to say. “He’s doing a lot better. Working for a computer software company or something. I’m not really sure.”
“Well, tell him I said hi. I don’t know if he ever really liked me, but I appreciated the work he did for the paper when he was here.”
Oh, Hayden. How could she ever think that he would be jealous? He was perpetually good-natured and saw the best in everyone. She appreciated that quality in him more than ever in that moment.
“I’ll let him know,” she said softly. She didn’t want to be sentimental right now, but it had a tendency to creep up on her. “I have to help Massey with some stuff at the paper before I can head home. Can I see you later?”
“Of course. Come over when you leave the paper. We can hang out then,” he told her.
“That sounds perfect. Is the day over yet?”
Hayden laughed softly. “I wish.”
“See you soon.”
Liz hung up as she rounded the corner to the Top of the Hill, where she was meeting Justin for lunch. It was one of her favorite restaurants in town, with a large balcony overlooking the main city block downtown.
She took the stairs up to the top floor of the building. It was still too cold to sit out on the balcony, so Liz allowed the waitress to direct her to a table. She sipped her water as she waited.
It had been so long since she had seen Justin. She didn’t really know what to expect. They had been friends since freshman year, but sometimes it was hard to be friends with Justin. Half arrogant brainiac, half douche frat boy made for a hard combination. But he was fiercely loyal and had never blamed her for the incident last summer, even though she carried part of the responsibility. She had been wasted at one of Justin’s frat parties and he had offered to drive her home. Unfortunately he had been drunk himself, and after driving through a red light had been pulled over and given a DUI. It had lost him his scholarship and he’d had to leave school.