He looks defeated. Not really worried, like he’s afraid I might tell someone, just defeated. Like he took the chance and it backfired. I smother the little pang of guilt for trampling his attempts at coming clean. I can’t afford to feel tenderness toward him right now. I need to be practical and rational. Cool. Emotionless.
I pretend to look through my purse. I can’t meet his eyes. I’ll crumble. I know I will. “Thanks for getting my car fixed and bringing it by. I’ll pay you back.” I start edging toward the door. Running will only make me look like a coward, even though that’s what I’d really like to do—run. Far and fast.
Cash says nothing. I don’t look up until I’m facing the door and he’s to my left. I pause, thinking I should probably say something else, but not having the first idea what that is.
I open the door and walk out. I don’t look back, but I can feel Cash’s eyes follow me until I disappear around the corner.
********
I’ve never been the type to skip school a lot. A class or even a day here and there maybe, but nothing substantial. Until now.
Tuesday morning doesn’t bring the peace I thought it would. In fact, between getting very little sleep—again—and the magnitude of my troubling thoughts, I feel almost physically ill. My stomach literally turns over when I see the flowers that Nash left me.
“Cash,” I say out loud, correcting myself for the hundredth time.
As I did most of yesterday and far into the night, I relive the humiliation of what happened with Cash when I thought he was Nash. The things I said to him, the way I acted, the things we did. Or nearly did. The way I tortured myself over who had crept into my bedroom that night.
I rock between anger and mortification then back to anger.
How could he do this to me? How could he do this to everyone?
I go to the kitchen to make coffee. As I pass my phone, I see the screen light up. I had put it on vibrate and left it out here last night because I didn’t want to be tempted to answer it. The name displayed is Cash.
I wonder if he’ll ever use Nash’s phone when he calls me again?
Bitterness courses through me. It’s so thick I can almost taste it. Ignoring the call just like I have the half dozen others from him, I continue on to the kitchen.
As I sip my coffee in the living room, I try to think of other things, but they all lead back to the most important issue in my life. Cash.
How did he become such a central theme? When did I get so deeply involved? How had it happened without my knowledge?
The answer? It didn’t. I knew I would fall for him. I lied to myself just enough to soften the blow at the time, but I knew it would end like this. It’s the story of my life.
Another swell of anger. And bitterness.
Then longing. And loneliness.
The anger again. At Cash for letting me get so close. For drawing me in, like a spider into his web.
His web of lies!
At least there are no tears. I’m thankful for that. Tears are exhausting. Anger is like rocket fuel. Maybe I don’t cry because the ball is in my court. Because I know all I have to do is pick up the phone, return one of the many messages he’s left me, and I can be with him again. At least for a little while.
In a different web of lies. In a relationship with no future.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO - Cash
I hit the red END button on the phone. The word itself mocks me. Have I really destroyed any chance to be with Olivia? Do I really care if I have?
The answers are: I don’t know and yes. In that order.
I can only hope coming clean with her was the right decision. I would’ve thought someone like Olivia would appreciate the gesture, the significance of what I did in the end. But maybe I was wrong. I’ve never really had feelings for a girl like her. Hell, I’ve never really had feelings for any girl period. Not like this anyway.
I resist the urge to throw my phone across the room. The next step is hers. It’s her choice. I’m just going to have to accept that and go along with her decision. Because I won’t beg. I won’t ever beg a female for anything.
I just won’t.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE - Olivia
Tuesday melts into Wednesday. Anger and bitterness become depression and devastation. In a way, Cash really was the perfect guy. I’d wanted him to be more like Nash when, in reality, he was Nash. He’d turned his life around and made something of himself for his brother, for his father. For his family. He’s the perfect blend of bad boy and successful, driven adult. He’s everything I ever wanted and everything I ever needed. All wrapped up in one gorgeous, sexy package. Which is all wrapped up in lies and deceit and danger.
If that’s not a kick in the ass, I don’t know what is.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR - Cash
I guess they’re right when they say, “Never say never.” I said I would never beg. That’s laughable. It’s only Wednesday and I’ve already lost count of how many times I’ve called Olivia. I should be embarrassed.
But I’m not.
I’m desperate. More and more every day. I’m desperate not to lose her. But I don’t know what to do next. I hate to go to her house and force her to talk to me. But I will. At this point, I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t do for her. To see her. To talk to her. To touch her and taste her again.
Oh damn, this ain’t good!
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE - Olivia
Wednesday becomes Thursday. My phone is lighting up with more frequency. I keep it close so I can see if it’s Dad calling. It never is. Every time I call to check on him, he assures me he’s doing well and promises he’ll call if he needs anything. But he never does.
Maybe I should just go home for a while. Take a break from school. From life. From heartache. From Cash.
I only have a few more days until Marissa comes home anyway. And then what will happen? Will “Nash” still be a part of her life? Will he still visit? And hold her and kiss her? Does he tell her he loves her? Did he ever plan a future with her? Will he?
Those thoughts always send me into a tail spin. On the one hand, I knew “Nash” was probably sleeping with her. I mean, they were dating. Of course they were having sex. But I thought Cash was unattached. I thought he was into me. All about me. At least for the time being. As much as a guy like that ever is “into” one specific girl. But it was all a lie.
It was all a lie.
Wasn’t it?
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE - Cash
I take the familiar turns that lead to the prison. I’m at my wits’ end. The only thing I can do, short of showing up at Olivia’s and doing some serious groveling, is to go talk to Dad. It became apparent to me a couple days ago that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I’m hoping he’ll have some good advice, some good suggestions. I need all the help I can get. And there’s only one person, other than Olivia, on the entire planet who knows what’s going on.