“I know.” She looks up again, her eyes meeting mine. “Berkeley does too.”
My lips twitch.
“I just looked for… I don’t know. Weighing up my options, you know?”
I nod and let my lips lift up at the corners. I’m not sure who she’s trying to fool.
“It’s a good school,” I comment, wanting to see how far she’ll take this.
“Right. And I mean, I wanna go to a good school.”
“Yep.”
“And the weather would be a nice change to Oregon.”
“Definitely.”
“But it’s a lot to think about.”
I grab her hand across the table and hold in my amusement. “Moving with me would be totally beneficial. You’d get to see the college and the area and decide if it’s where you want to go.”
“I suppose. But don’t you have a rabid fan base down there would who chew me up and spit me out?”
The thought makes me laugh loudly. “I can think of about four girls who have an attitude to rival yours, and none of them are in my supposed fan base, so I think you’re safe on that side.”
We get up and throw our wrappers in the trash before leaving.
“Good to know.” She muses.
“Roxy.”
“What?”
“Stop being a dick and answer the question.”
“I’m sorry. What was the question again?”
Pain in my ass. I stop and pull her to me. “Come to Berkeley with me.”
“That’s an order, not a question.”
“You’re making this hard for me deliberately, aren’t you?”
Her eyes twinkle with amusement, her lips turned up at the corners. “Maybe,” she says quietly.
“Do you want an epic declaration of love? McDonalds roof looks easy to climb on.” I make to move, and she shrieks and grabs my shirt.
“No! No, no epic declarations needed today, thank you.” She laughs. “Ask me again.”
“Fine.” I tuck her hair behind her ear. “Roxy, will you come to Berkeley with me?”
She wraps her arms around my neck and squeezes. “Only if you promise to give me an epic declaration of love when we get there.”
I smile into her hair. “I think I can do that.”
“Then yes. I’ll come with you. To check out the area,” she adds in a teasing lilt.
“But of course.” I kiss her softly.
Just like walking away, the question was worth the risk.
Chapter Thirty-One – Roxy
It’s funny how things change.
Your life can change in the time it takes you to blink – for better or worse – and there’s nothing you can do to change it. You have to take the curveballs life throws at you and take the hit. You have to take the fall and pull yourself back up, however hard it might be, however you can.
You might not always pick the right way, but that’s okay. No one is perfect and no one can be expected to get it right all of the time. Making mistakes doesn’t necessarily matter; it’s acknowledging them and making it right that matters.
I never knew what would happen to Cam so I couldn’t change it. I’ve accepted that now. I’ll always have a lingering piece of guilt inside for letting him get in the car with Stu, but I have to remind myself that was his choice. Cam’s. Not mine. For all I knew, we’d have a safe drive and we’d all get to where we were going in one piece. I couldn’t have guessed how that night would end.
You can’t change what you can’t predict.
My life, the way I’ve been dealing with that night, is one thing I can change. I can stop drinking, doing drugs, sleeping with the wrong guys. I can stop going to parties until I’m ready to.
I’ve faced up to my mistakes now and I’ve apologized for them. I can’t do anything but stop myself making them again, and that’s easier when you have someone by your side who believes in you. When you have someone who understands you, who gets you, it’s easier.
Kyle knows my pain because he feels it too. I hate the fact losing Cam is the thing that brought us together, but that’s another thing I can’t change. Of course I’d give up Kyle for Cam if I had the choice, but I think if Cam had the choice he’d have it this way.
He’d rather have me happy and in love than loving from afar. Even if the person I love is his best friend.
I still can’t bring myself to say “was” a lot of the time. In my heart he’s my brother. He’ll always be my brother the way he’ll always be Kyle’s best friend. We haven’t stopped loving him just because he’s dead. He’s still alive inside of us, and that’s what matters.
Although I would have really liked him to be around when Kyle pulled his walking away stunt.
I hate him for that, but it’s the best thing he could have done. He was all I had then, and I didn’t know how low I was until I hit the bottom. His walking away hit me harder than I ever thought it would be, and I don’t think I realized how I really felt about him until he did that. How I do feel about him.
And the truth of it is I’m completely and utterly, heart-wrenchingly, skin-tinglingly, unquestionably in love with him.
He knew what I needed when I didn’t. He knows when to hold me, when to tease me, when to laugh at me, when to drive me to the brink of insanity and when to bring me back. He knows how to wind me so tightly and hold me there until I’m ready to unravel, and he knows how to touch me until he tells me he loves me without words.
Kyle doesn’t just tell me he loves me. He shows me. He makes me feel it and makes me believe it with everything he does.
The last few weeks have been a clusterfuck of bullcrap. We’ve hit just about every wave possible since he came home and we’ve sunk more than a few ships in this whirlwind. We’ve fought and we’ve made up, and then we’ve fought some more.
When you fight over every little thing, you know you’re truly in love. It proves your love is worth fighting for and it proves how much you care.
If I have to fight with him every single day for the rest of my life to prove to him every single part of me loves him, then I f**king well will.
~
“You’re going to California? With my brother?” Iz stares at me like I’m completely crazy.
“That’s what I just said.” I pick the petals off a daisy.
“He’s a nightmare to live with. Leaves his socks everywhere then goes mad because he has none to wear.”