“The day she came home and said she was pregnant was a crazy day. Me and your Gran, we had a mix of emotions. We were gonna have us a lil’ grandbaby, but it was at the cost of our baby. She was only just seventeen, and we’d never imagined a weekend at her friend’s would have ended up that way. Still, we tried to help her any way we could.”
“When did you know …? About the drugs?”
“About five months in. Your Gran went with her to the scan, and you were this tiny little thing on screen. You were small the whole pregnancy. Your mom’s doctor knew from blood tests she’d done them but she swore she stopped. Eventually, the doc managed to get out of her she was still doing them, and so started the program to wean her off while you were still inside her, to minimize the damage she could be causing you.”
“But they couldn’t see that on the scans?”
Gramps shakes his head. “No, boy. Physically you were fine. Small but fine. Mentally? They wouldn’t know exactly how the drugs would affect you until you were older, speaking and moving and all that.”
“So you tried to stop her?”
“Course we did. She was still under eighteen so we limited the time she spent out without either of us. Somehow she still managed to get the darn drugs. She slipped them by us. The day you were born five weeks early, this tiny little four pound baby that was as long as my damn arm, was the second best day of my life. Don’t you doubt that. I remember lookin’ at your Gran and sayin’ to her, ‘May, this boy here is my boy. When he’s big, we’ll go on them fishing trips I love, and I’ll teach him about a real football team, then I’ll teach him how to treat his lady right.’” Gramps pauses for a second, swiping at his eyes, and I swallow. “I promised there and then I’d never let anythin’ happen to you, but I did.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Gramps.”
“I should have taken you there and then!” He bangs his fist against the arm of his chair. “I never shoulda let her have full custody of you, but I thought she was better. I thought my baby girl was coming back.” Tears stream down his cheeks, and I slip off the sofa and kneel in front of him. “I thought you’d be fine. Even when she took you away and moved out when you were almost two, I thought you’d be fine. You always seemed fine. We saw you every other weekend until you were four. Then your Gram died of her stroke and I was alone. I forgot everything except the fact I’d lost my wife, my best friend, my soul mate. I forgot you.”
“You never forgot me, Gramps. You were always there, even when you weren’t.”
“Anyway. Two years later the police turn up, tell me they’ve identified a dead body as my daughter, and there’s a six year old boy that needs a home or he’ll get put into care. No way was I letting my boy get abused by the system. I’d failed my baby girl. I wasn’t about to fail you any more than I already had.”
“You didn’t fail me.” I touch his arm and he looks up at me, his gray eyes watery. I bite back my own tears. “You didn’t, Gramps. You saved me – you taught me how to live. You took me on those fishing trips, taught me about football, and taught me how to treat my girl right. You took the shit my life was and turned it into something entirely different. You didn’t fail me, not for a second.”
“I should have–”
“You never raised a fist to me. You never whipped my back with a belt. You never kicked my stomach until I vomited. You never smacked my head against the corner of a kitchen table.” My whole body shakes as the images flash in quick succession through my mind. Different men, different days, different times. Different ways of beating me, all leaving the same scars. “You. Didn’t. Do. That. You didn’t even know. But she did. She knew. She lied to the hospital, CPS, everyone – it was always blamed on me. You didn’t know. You couldn’t stop what you didn’t know about.”
“Doesn’t stop the guilt, son.”
“Then remember what you did do.” My gray eyes meet his properly. “Remember what you did teach me. I’m the person I am because of you.” I pause, knowing the next words about to fall off my tongue are the total truth, and I’m saying them to myself as much as I am him. “You showed me Darcy and Elizabeth, you introduced me to his arrogance. Until recently, I was Darcy. I didn’t give a shit about anyone other than myself. Then there was Megan. Without you showing me Darcy, I never would have thought she could have been anything more than one night. You showed me how Darcy loved Elizabeth and because of that you taught me how to love. You taught me how to love Megan the way Darcy loved Elizabeth. You did that. No one else. Just you.”
Gramps reaches forward and hugs me, his body shaking as he cries into my shoulder. This is what I’ve denied him because I was so caught up in my own f**king pain. My best friend – everything he kept inside to keep me happy. I hug him tighter, letting my own tear fall from my eye.
“Know something, boy?” he mumbles, sitting back and composing himself.
“What, Gramps?”
“Your Gran would be damn proud of the man you’ve become.”
And I believe him.
For the first time, I truly believe she would be.
~
Megan is sitting with her back against a tree trunk, her hair swept to one side and showing the smooth, tanned skin on one side of her neck. Her legs are bent making her jeans look tighter than they are normally, and as she wraps her arms around her waist, I want to be the one doing it. I want my arms around her waist, her back against my chest, and her head resting on my shoulder while I lean the side of my face against her bare neck.
Instead I’m lying on my side trying not to look at her. Trying to ignore her. Trying to pretend I need anything other than to hold her in my arms until the next ice age and we freeze there together.
“You’re telling me the Chargers are on better form than the Cowboys?” Braden shakes his head. “Fuck off are they! Romo is playing his ass off this season.”
Lila opens her mouth. “It’s a–”
Ryan slaps his hand over it. “Don’t. Say. It.”
“Game,” Megan finishes for her. “A game, boys. It is a game. I know you’re in love with your boys, and Bray, if you were g*y you’d be after Romo’s supposedly shit hot ass, but it is just a game. And he’s playing shit, for what it’s worth.”