When dinner approaches and I still haven't seen Pearce, a part of me relaxes and lets my guard down. Of course, the reason I haven't seen him could be because I haven't left campus all day. I haven't even been close to leaving campus because I know if I'm here, I'm safe. Not even Pearce will go that far.
At least, I'm hoping he won't.
I didn't even go to Starbucks. I sent Braden instead. He was only too happy to go for me, providing I stayed sitting between Aston and Ryan on the green. I could have killed him. Aston spent the whole time examining my chest.
So for all I know Pearce is standing just outside the campus limits waiting for me.
I don't want to find out.
But I have to leave campus eventually. Tonight, in fact. To see Braden.
The game. Reality. It's all starting to mix. Feelings are clashing with feelings, and I'm starting to wonder what's real – if anything is real anymore.
I can separate my feelings about Braden and Pearce, and that scares me. They should be lumped in the same box with the same feelings and the same thoughts and the same fears. They shouldn't be separate. They shouldn't be discernible from one another.
“Eat,” Lila orders, shoving my plate back in front of me.
“I'm not hungry,” I lie through the twisting of my stomach. Nerves.
“I don't give a shit if you're hungry or not. You haven't eaten anything except half a blueberry muffin today. That's the first time you haven't finished one since we started college, so you're damn well eating it.” She gives me a hard look, and I narrow my eyes, grabbing two fries. I shove them in my mouth and exaggerate my chewing the way an insolent six year old would.
“There. I've eaten something.”
Lila glares at me. “Not good enough.”
Kay puts a hand on her shoulder. “Let me handle this, Princess.” She turns to me. “Eat the f**k up.”
I stare at her, meeting her hard look. My lips twitch slightly, but I hold in my smile. Kay raises an eyebrow, and I copy her.
“I thought I was in a college cafeteria, not a damn kindergarten playground,” Megan quips, sitting down.
I smile and pick my fork back up, stabbing some more fries. “Fine. You win. I'll eat.”
“All of it,” Lila demands.
“Some of it. I won't be able to eat it all.”
“She's right.” Megan looks at them both. “She's barely eaten, so if she eats all of it she'll make herself sick.”
“I ain't cleanin' up no damn vomit!” Kay folds her arms across her chest. “No f**kin' way.”
“You swear like a sailor.” Lila looks at her pointedly. “Have I ever told you that? Your potty mouth could give Braden, Aston and Ryan a run for their money – and they swear more than anyone I've ever met.”
“Why thank you.” Kay grins. “I'm choosing to ignore the last half of that speech, because on a bad day, I'd appreciate being called more manly than actual men, but those three aren't much of a comparison to a girl.”
Megan snorts. “She has a point.”
“Braden isn't as bad as Ryan and Aston,” I mutter. “Aston has more hair products than all of us put together, and Ryan spends as long on his hair daily as I do in a week.”
Lila pouts for a second then nods begrudgingly. “I suppose you have a point.”
“At least I know what to be this New Year.” Kay winks. “First Mate Kay at your service.”
“I dread to think how many people you'll be of service to on New Years Eve,” Megan says dryly.
Kay shoots her a look, and I laugh, looking down.
“What are you laughin' at, Stevens?”
I look up at Kay. “The fact you look so offended, yet you know it's absolutely true. Maybe we should get someone to reel you in, girl, 'cause you're a female Braden.”
Her eyes widen, and she looks at me in utter shock for thirty seconds. Lila gasps, and Megan shakes with silent laughter.
“Well, damn.” Kay shakes her head. “You could be right there.” She pauses, touching a finger to her lips for a second. “But at least I have variation. Males, female, g*y, straight, y'know. Braden just goes for blondes.”
“Which is why I'm almost surprised this is working.” Lila smiles. “Because Maddie is definitely not a blonde.”
“There's nothing wrong with being blonde,” Megan huffs.
“Of course there isn't.” I pat her naturally-blonde hair. “But your hair is a nice blonde, not bottle blonde like the usual rats that rub against him.”
“Jealous, Maddie?” Kay's eyes flare with excitement.
“About as jealous as I will be this weekend when you make out with a female stripper in Vegas.”
Kay blinks. “I didn't even think of that. Maybe I'll take Aston with me. See if the little boy can handle it.”
Megan's eyes flicker to Kay and back again, but I'm the only one who catches the slight hardening of them. Oh.
“Let's go,” Lila says and stands, giving a resigned sigh at my half-full plate.
“Where are we going?” Kay groans.
“Frat house,” Megan replies, picking up her water bottle and dumping her plate.
“I spend half my f**kin' life in that house full of testosterone-filled dicks.”
“Don't be such a misery bum.” Lila pokes her. “Maybe if you liked those dicks a little more it wouldn't be so much hassle for you.”
“I'll have you know I like dick just fine, thank you very much.”
“Too much information.” I mime throwing up.
Kay tugs my hair, and we step into the evening sunshine. One thing I definitely prefer about California is the weather. You just don't get this kind of sun in Brooklyn.
I hum silently to myself, pretending not to notice that I'm actually off-campus. I mentally kick myself – I moved here to get away from my brother. I'm not in Brooklyn anymore, he doesn't have his ass**le friends to back him up, and I'm not staring into the glassy eyes of a suicidal best friend.
I'm in California. I have my friends to back me up. I'm not alone.
I'm stronger than I was six months ago.
I won't give in.
“Maddie?”
I freeze.
Pearce.
I turn, slowly raising my eyes upwards. His brown hair is messy, his face pale and thinner than when I last saw him. There's no light in his eyes, no happiness in the smile plastered on his face.
“What, no happy greeting for your brother?”
“What are you actually doing here, Pearce?” My voice comes out stronger than I feel, and I'm thankful. I won't give in.