“Here.” I hand him the mug of tea and lean against the counter. He studies me, his eyes lingering on mine and the uncertainty that I know is shining there. My sarcastic defence mechanisms creep to the front. “Why are you looking at me like I’m a damn algebra puzzle?”
His lips curl, and I remember how they feel on my skin. I remember what it’s like to be held by him. I remember how he called me his girl. But Bing doesn’t do the whole alpha male caveman thing like Alec does with Lexy.
“You look like you need working out.”
“I don’t know if I should take that as a compliment or an insult.”
“I don’t mean in the physical sense, but if that was the case then I can safely say you’ve had plenty of work outs in the last few days.” He smirks. “No. It’s something more. What are you keeping locked up, Jen?”
BING
Those blue eyes that have me so entranced are a whirlpool of doubt, uncertainty, and reserve. I can see it. Her heart is on her sleeve. What she expected and what she wants are at opposite ends of the relationship spectrum.
I won’t settle for anything less than the far end of it.
“Nothing.” She looks into her mug. “Why would I have anything to hide from you?”
I’ve kissed every inch of that silky smooth skin. I’ve touched every millimetre of her body, felt her lips against my skin, against my lips, against my body. I’ve felt her against me. I’ve held her while she slept, watched her, imagined her as mine for good.
I remember every second since she walked back into my life two years ago. I remember it all. I remember her comments, her smile, and her carefree attitude. I remember her from up close and afar. I remember her. All of her.
The memories mean I know something is up, and that there’s serious things swirling in her pretty little head.
“You tell me, beautiful.” I set the mug down on the counter next to me. “Talk to me, Jen.”
“Why?” She looks up and there’s a mixture of fire and ice in her eyes, both contrasting in a way that makes desire look like a passing glance.
“Because-”
“So you can tell your sister not to mention your name around me?” She puts her mug down. “So you can go home and carve another notch or five into your bedpost? Why, Bing? Why do you need to know how I’m feeling?”
I move in front of her, and she puts her hands against me to move me away. I grip her wrists and move my hands so my fingers link with hers. I lean my hips against her, holding her in place against the side as I hold her hands tightly.
“Because I care, Jen.” My voice is soft. “I care if you’re happy, sad or angry. I care if you don’t feel good enough, if you don’t feel like you can face the day. It matters to me if you’re having a bad day and need a cuddle because I want to be the one to hold you. I told you I cared, girl, didn’t you believe me, really?”
She shakes her head no, ever so slightly. I breathe out a long, tortured sigh.
“I want you, Jennifer Mason. I must be f**king crazy, but God knows I do. I don’t want you once, or twice, or five times. I don’t want you on my f**king bedpost with a silk scarf. I want you on my heart with a bed of roses. I want to wake up next to you, holding you, loving you. I want to see that smile, hear those dumb ass comments you’re so fond of, and I want to wrestle you into bed each night. I want to worship your body, treat you like the goddess you were born as. I want to make you mine, babe. I want to make you forget the rest of the world. I want to be your world, ‘cause I’ll be damned if you aren’t becoming mine.”
JEN
My heart stopped beating for the whole two minutes he spoke, and I’m pretty sure it isn’t starting again anytime soon.
For the first time, I really, truly understand why it took Lexy so long to trust Alec. Faced with a playboy with a reputation bigger than his tools, you have to think. You can’t jump into everything head first. You have to dip a toe in, test the waters, and ease your body in gradually. Ease your heart in.
Alec couldn’t have broken Lexy’s heart even if he’d wanted to, with the exception of Vi’s secret, but Bing? Samuel ‘Bing’ Edwards has the power to turn my heart into a ball of ash, a shattered ball of nothing. He has the power to turn me into nothing.
And the sad thing is, is that I know this. I’ve known it for months. I knew it even when I told Carl I loved him towards the end. I didn’t, and I don’t think he meant it either.
Forever doesn’t always mean forever. Dreams aren’t always infinite. Always doesn’t have to mean the universe.
Always, forever, dreams. They’re spur of the moment words used in spur of the moment sentences. I don’t believe in forever and always. I have more integrity and dignity than to believe that, than to promise myself to someone for that long. If forever will happen then I’ll be happy to be proved wrong, but the person I want to prove me wrong is the person most unlikely to.
The person stood in front of me that just told me he wants me.
He wants me. Not as a quick f**k, a one night stand. He wants more. He wants my heart, my soul, and all I have to give him. He can have it - my heart, my soul - for all I care now. He just can’t have it all.
There’s too much dirt to dig up, too many piles of shit to shovel before he gets to know he’s everything that matters. His past is too deep, too entwined with girls, sex, and alcohol.
I told Lexy not to worry about the past. I know now they were empty words. How can you not worry about it when everything you hold dear is on the line? How can you not worry when you are on the line?
His body pressed against mine. His fingers laced with mine. His lips against mine.
I feel it all, remember it all. I remember the two words from his lips that made my world turn upside down and tilt off its axis to hit the damn moon. ‘My girl.’ My girl.
His.
I could be. I just have to say yes to the infuriating, complicated moron that just lay his heart on the line, for me.
His brown eyes are full of want, desire, need.
They’re full of promises, but promises are easily broken.
They’re full of the future, but the future is easily changed.
“Why?” I ask, my voice stronger than I feel inside. “Why am I so different to the others, Sam? Why me?”
He slides his hands up my arms until they’re cupping my face the way they did when he burst through my front door and kissed me.
“Because,” he says. “Because you’re you, Jen. You’re the light in a world forever doomed to darkness.”