He felt the same pull to me I had always felt to him.
Or at least that’s what I wanted to believe.
I’m coming down.
Good.
I pulled on boots and my coat and a knit hat. I wasn’t sure how long we would be outside. I wasn’t even sure what I was doing, exactly. Running down the stairs I stuffed my keys and phone in my pocket and made my way down the walk. He had moved further down the street, away from the house. He was protecting me from prying eyes. Or that’s what it seemed like. Either way, it was a good thing. I didn’t need questions or gossip. I hadn’t been talked about since high school and I didn’t want a return to those days, being those of girls that everyone looked to hate on.
“Hi,” I said, when I finally caught up with him. I felt eager and reserved at the same time. I had contacted him, but now I didn’t know what to say. Or rather how to explain to him my feelings.
“Hi.” He gave me a searching look. “Friends, huh? Is that what you want?”
I fell in step beside him, not sure how to answer that. We had been friends, but we’d been so much more than that. It was a weak term to describe how we should feel about each other, but I didn’t know another one for it. “Yes. I don’t want to know you’re ten minutes away and I can’t ever talk to you or see you.”
He didn’t speak for a second. When he did, he didn’t acknowledge what I’d said. “Where is frat boy tonight?”
I expelled air through my nose, frustrated that he brought up Ethan first thing. “He’s in Boston for the weekend.”
“Is that why you’re texting me? Because he’s gone?” His tone was casual, but there was a bite behind it.
Heath was walking next to me, but there was no closeness between us. He was being remote, treating me with a certain amount of disdain. I knew why but I still hated it. It felt very strange to be near him but not be allowed to touch him. To know his facial expressions, his gestures, his body so intimately, yet have to maintain distance. It seemed natural to touch, unnatural not to reach for him.
“He knows that I have communicated with you. I’m not hiding that.”
“Well, good for you.” He might as well have rolled his eyes.
That made me put my hands into my pockets, withdrawing even more. “Don’t make me feel bad. I’m trying to do the right thing.”
He made a sound of frustration. “I know. I’m sorry. I just didn’t… shit, Cat. I mean, sure, I figured at some point there would be a guy. I didn’t think you were sitting at home alone, not when you’re you, and guys would be interested, chasing you.”
That seemed a ridiculous exaggeration, but I just made a sound of disagreement, waiting for him to continue.
“But I didn’t think it would be the guy. One that you would want to marry. How would you feel, honestly, if I were engaged to a girl? Or married?”
The thought made my mouth dry. I chanced a glance at him. He was only wearing a sweatshirt even though the temperature was in the thirties. The darkness hid some of his expression, but I knew him well enough to know he was asking in seriousness, not spite.
“I wouldn’t like it,” I admitted. “I would be hurt.” A lot. Unimaginably so.
“Yeah,” was all he said. “So that’s why I’m not sure about the whole friends thing. I don’t know if I can pretend that it’s all okay. I don’t think I can see you.”
The urge to slip my hand into his was so strong that I buried both deeper into my pockets. “I can’t accept that. I just can’t. You owe me that after the way you left.”
He stopped walking and stared at me. “Cat. I’m not stupid enough to stick around just so you can punish me.”
Flustered, I shook my head. “That’s not what I mean. I’m not trying to punish you. I just can’t…” Be without him again. But that seemed too melodramatic to say.
He worked his jaw for a minute, then he sighed. “So if we’re friends I guess we should talk about friend things. Like I should ask you what you’re studying. Art education like you always wanted?”
Swallowing hard, I shook my head again. “No. I’m studying economics. The plan is to be a mortgage broker.” I had almost forgotten I’d wanted to be a teacher and a cross country coach, or at the very least had shoved it to the back of my mind.
“Are you kidding me?” He sounded appalled. “What the hell made you decide to do that?”
“It’s practical.” I sounded defensive. I felt defensive.
“It’s boring,” he said emphatically. “And totally not you. I cannot see you sitting in an office in a f**king blouse.”
“A blouse?” I snorted. “That is an uptight word.” Definitely not his usual vocabulary.
“It’s an uptight job.”
He had a point, but I didn’t have to admit that. I was the one who was going to have to pay rent and a car payment and pay back the student loans I was living off of. I was planning a realistic future, not dreaming.
“So what are your plans?” I asked. “Are you going to enroll at UMaine?” Heath had never talked about any particular ambitions. Mostly he had talked about not being poor. Not being beholden to anyone but himself.
“No. I’m only here for one reason.” He glanced over at me.
I sucked in a breath at the intensity of his gaze.
We had reached the end of the block and were standing under the branches of a huge oak tree on one side, a streetlight on the other. He narrowed his eyes at the sudden light. I wanted to ask, but I wasn’t sure how I would feel if he gave the wrong answer. I wanted to hear that he was there for me. But I was afraid it had nothing to do with me at all, so I said nothing. I just waited for him to expand.
He did. He lifted his hand and tugged a little on the front of my knit hat. “You look cute in this hat. I came for you, you know. It’s the only reason I’m here.”
It was the right answer. But I wouldn’t have expected it to be as painful as it was. It hit me like a fist in my chest, leaving me breathless. I suddenly wanted to cry. It wasn’t fair that he was there and yet I couldn’t have him.
Because there was no question that I wanted him. I had always wanted him. I didn’t remember time before wanting him.
But I wanted Ethan too.
Which made no sense at all.
“Does that mean you’re leaving soon?” My voice was wobbly. If he hadn’t got what he came for, he might not stay, and that seemed as unpleasant a possibility as him being there while we tried to manage an awkward friendship.