Sitting on my bed in shorts and a tank top, I leaned against the wall and bit my fingernail. “What do you mean? Nothing. I haven’t even heard from him.” Which bothered me. I couldn’t deny it.
“Just be careful,” she said slowly. “You don’t want to do something that morally you can’t live with.”
She meant cheat. Have sex with Heath, probably.
But there were other ways to cheat.
Was it morally unacceptable to be with one guy yet constantly thinking about another? Yes. Yet I wasn’t going to throw over my relationship with Ethan because Heath had wedged himself back into my thoughts.
Tiffany had always had stricter moral boundaries than me. I was impulsive. More selfish than I’d like to be.
But I had changed at UMaine. Become a better person. Right? Wasn’t that what I had done? Or had I just put a glossy layer over the top? And if I had, did it matter? What was really wrong with the girl from Vinalhaven? Heath had liked that girl, and once upon a time, I had too.
“Just stay true to yourself.”
I closed my eyes. I was afraid that being true to myself was going to destroy the world I had created.
And more than one person.
The two pictures Tiffany sent were both of Heath in a group with other Marines. He wasn’t smiling in either. He looked dusty and tired and annoyed. Lonely. He looked lonely. Or maybe that was just my overreaching assessment.
Whatever he was, when I looked at him, I ached for him. I stared at those pictures for long anguished minutes, knowing that I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to be near him, just as friends. I couldn’t stand having him so close, yet not be able to talk to him, see him. It was my fault for ignoring his last text. He wasn’t going to beg me for attention so if I wanted to talk to him, I had to be the one to reach out.
So with Ethan gone, I did. I had to.
It was the lamest text ever.
How are you?
The minute I hit send I wanted to take it back. I wanted to be clever and sophisticated and sexy yet somehow cool and appropriate and intriguing all at once. It was a lot to ask of a text but certainly the one I had sent was none of those, so I cursed myself and tossed my phone on my desk.
“Argh,” I said out loud. I had a phone case that had Van Gogh’s starry night on it and I flipped my phone face down so that was what I saw instead of the screen. I didn’t want to stare at it, willing him to reply.
Then I opened my door. It was a perfect way to invite a distraction. With an open door, any of the other girls walking by would talk to me, at least for a minute or two. Almost immediately Janice stopped to tell me that her boyfriend was being a dick. While she leaned on my desk, I tried not to fidget when I heard my phone buzz, not once, not twice, but three times. Three texts in rapid succession. I looked at it, knowing I couldn’t reach around Janice and grab it.
She paused in the middle of bitching that Pierre, her Canadian hockey player boyfriend, had told her that her butt was juicy.
It was. There was no denying it. But it was the good juicy. I could see how perfectly her butt perched on my desk and there was no doubt in my mind he had meant it as a compliment.
“Do you want your phone?” she asked. She reached behind and grabbed it and handed it to me.
I had a moment of panic when the screen was right side up but she never even glanced at me. I took it, saw it was Heath then folded my arms with it tucked under by my side. I would read it in a minute. “It was totally meant to be a compliment, Janice. He probably meant he wants to get some of that. Like he thinks your butt is delicious.” That wasn’t exactly what I wanted to say, but I was distracted. I was usually more eloquent. “You have a great ass, seriously.”
“So why didn’t he just say ‘hey, I love your ass?’ That I would have been okay with.”
“He was probably trying to be romantic.” She had my sympathy. “You are dating a hockey player. They’re not known for being Romeo.”
She sighed. “I’m going to go to the store and buy some ice cream. Might as well really make my ass juicy. Want to come with me?”
“No, thanks. I have to study.” And check my phone. The second she left.
“Okay, cool. I’ll catch you later.” She peeled herself off the desk and started towards the door.
I whistled. “Nice butt!”
She laughed. “Thanks, Caitlyn. It’s like Mastercard- everywhere you want to be.” She did an exaggerated sexy walk out the door, capping it off by smacking her own ass.
Normally, I loved hanging out with my sorority friends. But tonight the minute she was through the doorframe I gave an audible sigh and unlocked my phone without taking the time to go and close my door.
I’ve been better.
I’ve been worse.
How are you?
It wasn’t much, but then again, I’d asked him a hugely generic question. I was just relieved he’d answered and it wasn’t to tell me to go to hell.
I started to write ‘bored.’
That wasn’t true. Besides, I didn’t want him to think that I was the type of person who just texted every guy in her phone when she was bored.
So I told the truth.
I’ve been thinking about you.
Good or bad thoughts?
Good. Confused thoughts. Can we be friends, do you think?
I ached for that. To be able to sit with him and laugh. To have someone in my life besides Tiffany, who had been like a younger sibling at the time, who knew me back home. Before college. Before my father died. When I had lusted for life and the need to get out of Vinalhaven. When I had rolled my eyes at what people thought, not constantly striving to meet a certain standard.
We will always be something. Come downstairs and let’s talk about it.
I frowned at my phone. Was he in my sorority house? Was he hanging out with someone I knew? A hot nasty wave of jealousy crashed over me.
What do you mean?
Look outside your window.
Uh… I went to the window and moved the blinds so I could see outside. I saw him immediately on the sidewalk near the driveway of the house next door. Just standing there, staring up at my window. I felt his eyes on me. Like he could actually see me inside my room, behind the slats of the blinds, like our eyes were meeting.
What are you doing? I asked.
Sometimes I walk at night. And sometimes I might walk by your house.
It should have been weird, creepy. Maybe it was. But I couldn’t deny that I felt a certain excitement, a thrill that he was looking for me the way I was looking for him. I had no excuse to walk by his apartment but I had been scouring the campus for him, hoping I would see him, knowing I wouldn’t. Unless he was with Darla, and I absolutely did not want to see them cuddling up together, holding hands or whatever.