I landed softly, with a barely noticeable thump, just inside the room, with my back to him and his window. I didn’t turn around right away. Instead, I stood there listening to the sound of him sliding the window closed, trying to come up with a reason I’d been sitting on his rooftop in the first place.
“It’s not summer anymore,” he said quietly. “Are you cold?”
I glanced at his bed. Memories of the night he pulled me into it with him speared through my brain. The way his hands had felt on me was practically sinful, and God help me, I loved every single second of it. I loved it so much it scared me. Cole was off-limits. Why couldn’t I seem to remember that?
“Hey,” he said from right next to me. I felt his fingers wrap around my elbow and my eyes closed. “Is everything okay? My sister…”
I turned to face him, my movement breaking the hold he had on my arm. “Heven is fine. As far as I know, everything’s fine.”
He nodded. Then I saw the white of his teeth against the dark. “So you’re here because you missed me?”
Yes. More than anything. “What are you doing sitting around in the dark?”
“Did you think I wasn’t home?” He grinned again.
Actually, that’s exactly what I thought. “I think it’s creepy that you sit around in the dark.”
He laughed. “I wasn’t sitting around in the dark. I was downstairs, and I just walked in here when I saw some movement out the window.” He moved away toward the table by the bed and switched on a lamp, flooding the room with light. I blinked against the brightness as he walked toward his dresser that was sitting against the far wall and picked up a navy blue mug and brought it over, holding it out.
“What’s this?” I asked, the scent of chocolate already wafting toward me.
“Cocoa,” he replied. “Your cheeks are pink from the cold. Looks like you could use this.”
It smelled so good so I reached out and took it. When my fingers brushed his, my throat suddenly felt as if I swallowed dust. I lifted the mug to my lips, drinking some of the liquid. It was rich and hot and the dryness in my throat absorbed the treat like a bone-dry sponge. I looked up to see Cole watching me with intense cobalt eyes that appeared slightly darker than usual. I realized then that I was drinking from his mug… placing my lips where his likely had just been.
I cleared my throat and stepped away, wrapping both my hands around the cup. “Have you talked to Heven lately?”
I thought they would’ve been in contact every day… that she would’ve told him in detail everything she saw in my mind that day she invaded it, but his question moments before, his concern for her, made me think otherwise.
“Hardly at all since Logan’s funeral. I thought she and Sam needed some space. She’s been through a lot. And then school started and it never seemed like the right time to bring everything up…” His voice trailed away and he shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans.
He doesn’t know, a voice in my head whispered. He doesn’t know you love him.
Part of me was actually bereft that he didn’t know, but the sensible side of me knew this was a good thing. It was for his own protection that he not know how I really feel.
“It’s probably good they have a little space.” I agreed.
“What are you doing here, Gemma?” Cole said, dropping the fake conversation.
“I…” I didn’t know what to say.
“If you wanted to see me, then tell me.” He stepped closer and I couldn’t help but notice the way the muscles in his shoulders bunched beneath the blue sweater he wore.
I gripped the mug like it was my lifeline, but couldn’t tear my eyes away from his intent stare as he prowled even closer.
“Have you decided to finally admit how you feel?”
“I shouldn’t be here,” I said, my voice coming out as a whisper.
“Why? Why shouldn’t you be here?” he said, reaching out and taking the mug, setting it aside so there was nothing but charged space between us. “I want you here.”
I want you here… His words melted something inside me. “I have to do what’s best for you,” I said, more to remind myself than him.
“You’re what’s best for me,” he said, and I watched as he reached out his large, calloused hands, brushed the thickness of my hair behind my shoulders, and cupped my face. “When are you gonna let me in, Gems?” His breath brushed over me. It smelled like chocolate, and everything inside me from the ribcage down trembled with the proof that his lips actually had been on that mug.
“I can’t.” I was ashamed that my voice actually cracked.
“Yes, yes, you can,” he whispered, lowering his lips toward mine and tilting my chin up until the space between us was practically gone and our breath mingled together in a chocolate explosion.
He was going to kiss me. I wanted him to, desperately, madly, deeply. I closed my eyes and waited for the first taste of his lips, but he stopped mere centimeters from mine. I held back the plea that just about escaped my throat.
“I won’t hurt you. I promise.”
His words cut through me like the winter wind and jerked me back into reality. I stepped back quickly, stumbling. He reached out to steady me, but I twisted, avoiding his touch. He thought I was so resistant to him because I was afraid of getting hurt. He thought my past with Callum had left me broken and hard. Maybe it had… but whatever parts of me that had been damaged were mended the first time he laid his lips on mine.
This wasn’t about me. It was about him.
About what my love would cost him.
“I’m sorry,” I said when I looked up and caught the flash of hurt on his face. “I can’t do this to you.”
“Do what to me?”
“Let you sacrifice yourself.”
“How is my loving you a sacrifice?”
“Don’t say that!” I gasped.
The words dangled between us like a spider on a thread of web. I wanted to pluck them out of the air and stomp them out, but I couldn’t. The mere idea made me want to weep. Words like that… feelings like that should be tucked somewhere safe inside the person the words were meant for… but I couldn’t let those feelings in. I had to wear a coat of armor around me to keep them out because that was the only way he would truly be safe.
“Say what?” he challenged. “That I—”