“Yeah, I heard. Congrats.”
“Thanks.”
“And how’s Val?” I tried for casual but could tell he saw through me right away. He looked me straight in the eye when he answered.
“We broke up. That wasn’t meant for the long haul.” He leaned over for a hug. “Be good, Cassie,” he whispered.
The warmth of Jack close to me, his tickle of breath on my neck, still made me a little weak, though it shouldn’t have. “You too, Jack.”
Lucas and I walked back to the car. “A friend from home?” he asked.
“Uh-huh.” I replayed the conversation in my mind, wondering if there’d been anything incriminating that Lucas could be angry about. I didn’t think so.
He was silent for a few minutes, walking fast, gaining nearly two strides on me. I finally caught up to him near the corner. “This was a bad idea, Cassandra,” he said sternly, teacher to student. “It was a mistake for me to encourage it.”
Lucas was right about one thing: it was a long drive back to Bering.
Chapter 21
There was distance between us after that. A permanent cold front that blew in on our hot summer ride from Wichita. Lucas dropped me off at Drea’s, claiming a headache, lots of work to catch up on, plans with friends the next day.
“Where were you?” Drea said before the door even closed behind me. She was sitting at the dining table, papers spread around her open laptop as if she’d been working from home all day. Waiting for me.
I laid my keys on the table by the door. “I went to Wichita with a friend.”
“Who?”
“His name’s Lucas.”
“Well, who is he?’ Drea stood, taking a few steps closer and leaning against the wall. “I hope this isn’t where you’ve been spending the night.” Her arms were folded across her chest. Nan used to say people did that when they were nervous, protecting themselves. But Drea didn’t look nervous.
“Why do you care?”
She frowned. “Because, Cassie, I’m your guardian, remember? It’s my right.”
“No it isn’t, Drea. If you wanted to act like a guardian, you should have started about six weeks ago.” Now I was angry. “You’ve barely talked to me since I’ve been here, much less asked how I’m spending my time, whether I’m making friends, how I’m feeling about being away from home.” I knew my voice had gotten too loud, but at least it kept me from crying. After the day I’d had with Lucas, this was the last thing I needed. “You told me my first day that I’d be on my own. Fine. I’ve been managing without your help or interest. That’s the way you wanted it. You can’t change the rules now.”
“Yes, Cassie,” she said evenly. “I can. This is my apartment, not some hotel.”
“Funny, because it kind of seemed like one when you pointed to the keys my first day here and said to do ‘whatever.’ ”
Drea just stared at me, then exhaled a long, frustrated sigh. “Okay,” she said, and I could tell she was trying hard to stay calm. “Maybe I haven’t been as … involved as I should have been. I’ve had a lot going on at work and I wasn’t anticipating … all this.” She waved her hand in my direction. “But we are family, Cassie. I need to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m okay.”
“I can’t let you spend the night with some guy. Especially one I don’t even know. For God’s sake, Cassie, you’re only sixteen.”
I thought about mentioning that my mother had been living with a guy—Drea’s beloved brother—at my age, but I could see that would just make her angrier and bring us to dangerous ground: her threatening to talk to Lucas or forbid me to see him. It was time to cut this off. “I’m not,” I said. “Lucas is just a friend from school.”
Drea’s eyes narrowed. Not buying it.
“Really.” I rolled my eyes, trying for exasperation. “A philosophy major? So not my type. He was going to the city today and asked some of us if we wanted to come along.” I shrugged. “I hadn’t really seen Wichita and I thought it would be a good chance to check it out.”
“Then where have you been spending the night?” Unconvinced, but getting there.
“At my friend Becca’s. She’s in my class too and has a great place near U Park. We study and she’s fun to hang out with. Plus, it’s easy to get to campus from there.” It sounded pretty good and I could see I was making headway. I threw in a guilt trip for good measure. “It’s nice to have the company.”
Drea smiled a little, her relief visible. Parental duties executed? Check. Okay to get back to my own life? Sure. “Well, okay, Cassie. I’m glad you’ve found someone you like hanging out with,” she said. “I know I’m not around much, but you know if you need me for anything, I’ll be there, right?”
“Of course, Drea. Thanks.”
“And be careful with this Lucas. Don’t forget he’s a college guy—they’re a lot different from high school boys.”
“Don’t worry.”
I ducked into my room as quickly as I could, telling her it had been a long day. That, at least, was the truth.
I lay on my bed, staring at the unmoving hands of the oversized wall clock, thinking about Lucas, wishing I knew how to fix things. I checked my phone in case I’d missed a call or text from him, though I knew I hadn’t.
My philosophy books sat neatly on the nightstand and I reached for one. I couldn’t keep my mind on the assignment, though, the sentences blurring together so that I had to read them over and over. I gave up, flipping through the pages and thinking about the class where Lucas had first talked to me, invited me for coffee. My notes from that day littered the margins.
“Who am I?” Professor McMillan had asked. “Defined by values, talents, beliefs,” I’d written. Well, I was getting to be a pretty talented liar. First Lucas, now Drea. Of course, if I hadn’t told Lucas I was eighteen, we might not be together. I might never have seen the mark on him. Did the end justify the means? I closed my eyes and let the book fall to the side. I didn’t want to think about it anymore. None of it. The mark. Lucas. Most of all, me.
I didn’t hear from him at all on Friday. Thankfully, I had to work, so I didn’t sit home brooding, though every time the door at Cuppa jangled, I glanced up, hopeful. Midway through Saturday I knew I was in that awful limbo where I tried to believe it was classes or friends or absentmindedness that kept him from calling or stopping in at the coffee shop. Since the night we’d gone to dinner, there had rarely been twelve hours we’d been fully apart, not speaking or seeing each other, if even just in class or across the floor of Cuppa. I felt as if I’d done something unspeakably shameful to drive him away so quickly and leave me with so little clue how to reclaim what I needed.