“I need the bedpan and some help.”
Almost anything—except help him use a bedpan.
I ran to the door. “Rhea!”
18
The room was pitch-black. Not just because the lights were out, but also because of the blindfold Rhea slipped over my head.
Needless to say, I’m not a fan of blindfolds. The last time I’d worn one, I’d ended up allowing a sociopath vampire-slash-demon named Clovis Trakiya to feed from me. I felt more comfortable wearing a blindfold in front of Rhea—at least she couldn’t vein-fuck me. But as a mage, she could f**k me up in other ways if she wanted.
I took a deep breath and reminded myself Rhea was trying to help me. Sure, she was a pain in the ass, but she had to be to deal with teaching me, I guess.
So I went with it, figuring she knew what she was doing. Besides, my hands were free, so I could defend myself if need be. Or so I thought.
Something hard slammed into my head. Pain crashed through my skull.
“Ow! What the hell?” I said, ripping off the scarf. The metal orb about the size of a golf ball rolled across the floor away from me. I swung around to glare at Rhea. She stood next to a table with a stack of more balls.
“No questions, remember? I can’t teach you how to kill demons, but I can teach you how to defend yourself enough to get away.”
“And using me as target practice is the way to do it?” I rubbed my forehead. A small goose egg throbbed hotly on the spot. “Can I at least do this without the blindfold?”
“The blindfold is necessary because you have a bad habit of using your fists to solve your problems. Fists won’t help in a demon fight. For that you have to use your instincts and your magical weapons. So we’re going to try this until you learn how to anticipate an attack and fend it off using only your magic.”
“You’re insane if you think I’m going to stand here and let you throw ball bearings at my cranium all night.”
She ignored that and continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “Now, the first rule of this exercise is, you’re not allowed to fight with your limbs. I’ve left your hands unbound. But the first time you try to block or catch a ball, I’ll bind you. Got it?”
“You expect me not to defend myself?” I said through gritted teeth.
“Don’t be pissy. I expect you to use your magical weapons instead. And don’t start bitching about not knowing how to use them. That’s the point of this lesson. You’re not going to tap into those skills unless you’re forced to.”
This was sounding better and better. “And if I refuse?”
She paused. “Then the next time someone sends a demon after you, you better pray Giguhl’s there to save your ass again.”
I cringed. The fact I couldn’t defeat Eurynome on my own still bothered me. I wasn’t used to relying on others to save me. I sighed. “So how do I tap into this power?”
She smiled. “You’ll figure it out on your own soon enough. Trying to figure it out will actually delay it. Your powers are instinct-based. Stop thinking so much and feel.”
I cursed. “So now not only can I not use my fists, but I also can’t use my mind?”
“Nope. It’s not the mage way.”
“If that’s the mage way, it’s amazing your race has lasted this long.”
“Or perhaps it’s not so amazing. Vampires are so one-dimensional. Every decision is driven by the predatory instinct. They’re totally driven by the id.”
I shot her a get-real look. “Now you’re quoting Freud?”
She raised an eyebrow. “You don’t like Freud? Then how do you feel about Jung? When mages tap into their magic, they’re connecting with the collective unconscious, the energy, that connects all things.”
“So you’re saying that in order to tap into that energy I have to be weak and stupid?”
Rhea slammed her magic staff on the ground. “Enough!”
My mouth fell open at her outburst.
“You think you’re fooling anyone with your tough act? You think I don’t see that you use sarcasm and anger like armor?” She leaned in. “You’re not fooling me at all. When I look at you, I see a wounded child. You want to be angry? Fine. I would be, too. But be angry at the ones who hurt you. Be angry at yourself for your self-deception. But for f**k’s sake, stop being a martyr about it and stop taking that shit out on me for trying to help you.”
My blood ran hot and cold through my veins. My jaw clenched so hard I felt like my teeth would shatter. “I don’t recall asking for your help.”
Rhea crossed her arms. “Not in so many words, no. But let me ask you this: Why did you come here?”
“That’s funny, I’ve been asking myself that same question.”
“Maybe, just maybe, on some level you understand that if you’re ever going to be whole you have to get in touch with the side of yourself you’ve suppressed for the last fifty-odd years.”
I threw up my hands. “Jesus, what is it with you? I came here because I wanted to meet my sister.” It was a lie, and we both knew it. I came here looking for vengeance.
She pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows. “Bullshit. We both know you came here because you want to stick it to Lavinia Kane. Well, listen up—you’ll never defeat her without magic. You’ll never be good at magic until you face your own demons. And I’m here to help you. I know it’s scary, but you can’t grow unless you face that fear head-on.”
My head jerked up. “I’m not afraid.”
Rhea snorted. “All anger is motivated by fear. And you’ve got it in spades. You can either continue to delude yourself, or you can grab it by the throat and use it.” She moved closer and put a kind hand on my shoulder. “You have so much promise inside you. Let me help you find it.”
This whole conversation made my stomach cramp. But Rhea was issuing a challenge. To back down now would be to admit the fear was winning. Because Rhea was right. I was terrified. Terrified of trying. Terrified of failing. But more than that, I was terrified my grandmother had been right—that I was just the unfortunate by-product of a terrible mistake made by my parents. Nothing special. A godsdamned waste of space.
The rage came from nowhere. Angry tears stabbed my corneas, clamoring for release. I took a deep breath, trying to corral them back into the dark box where I normally kept them hidden. Still, they pushed and prodded, hovering at the edges of my lower lids.