‘It’s because your dad’s coming,’ I say. ‘At least that’s my two cents.’
‘Yeah … And you, too.’ He massages the back of his neck tensely as he stops in front of the bed.
I point at myself, stunned by his confession. ‘Why do I make you nervous?’
‘Why wouldn’t you,’ he says, his gaze locked on mine, his hand still cupping the back of my neck. ‘You mean more to me than him.’ He shrugs as if we’re discussing something as casual as what movie we want to see. ‘More than anyone really.’
Deep breathes, Violet. Do not freak out. You can do this. ‘Well, then I guess you’re in trouble then, because there’s going to be a whole lot of people there cheering you on.’ I put my hands on his shoulders and look him directly in the eye. My fingers are quiver because I’m fighting back the compulsion to simmer down the emotions inside me the old way and I’m sure Luke can feel the tremor. ‘Should I give you a pep talk? I could even pat your ass before you walk out. That’s what football player’s do, right? To get all pumped up and ready to win.’ My voice comes out light and I silent breathe in the relief. I did it. Holy shit.
He relaxes a little. ‘No, I’m good. My nerves will settle before the game starts I’m sure.’ He picks up his bag then pauses, a naughty look dancing in his eyes. ‘You can slap my ass if you want to though.’
That gets me to grin and then we lean in to kiss each other goodbye. As he turns to leave, I extend my arm out and slap his ass, laughing as I pull back my hand. He flashes me a grin, one that I swear only belongs to me, before he walks out the door.
I exhale loudly then get out of bed to get ready for my therapy session. I’m nervous about going again, more than I was the first time, because I know what to expect. I’m all over the place right now, battling a demon I’ve been carrying inside me for fifteen years and Lana just might set that demon free, let someone see it other than Luke. But if I’m being honest with myself, I’m half worried and half hoping that it’ll happen. Maybe she can give me some sort of words of wisdom to help me cope with the freaked-out mode I get every time I feel an emotion.
After bundling up in a coat, boots and gloves I head out the front door with Greyson at my side, since I promised Luke I wouldn’t go the University – or anywhere really – alone.
‘How long do you think you’ll be?’ Greyson asks as he drives down the street. There’s a drizzle of rain falling from the clouds and the windshield wipers are on, the heater cranked.
‘I’m not sure,’ I reply. ‘Last time it was only for half an hour, but today might take longer.’
He nods as he makes a right onto a busier street in town. ‘Okay, so do you just want to text me when you’re done? I have to run a few errands anyway.’
‘That works for me.’ I thrum my fingers on the sides of my legs, nervous.
‘Can I ask what’s got you so restless?’ Greyson asks, noticing my anxiousness.
‘Just this whole visit with the therapist thing,’ I lie, stilling my fingers.
‘Okay.’ It’s clear from his skepticism that he doesn’t believe me.
‘Luke’s got me worried too,’ I blurt out, scaring the bejesus out of myself because I swear my mind just took on a mind of its own. When he gives me this interrogative sidelong glance, I add, ‘He’s just nervous over the game.’
‘And that makes you nervous? ‘
‘No.’
Rain splatters against the window as he stares at me.’ ‘Okay, I’m so confused.’
‘So am I,’ I admit, rubbing my hand over my face. ‘These last few weeks I’ve been nothing but confused.’
He downshifts to turn. ‘Over?’
‘Mira being in prison,’ I say. ‘Preston; wanting to move on from that ordeal … how I can’t move on until he decides to let me.’
‘The police will find him, Violet.’ He reaches over and gives my leg a pat. ‘And until they do, you’re safe. You’ve got a lot of people looking out for you.’
‘I know.’ I bite at my fingernails. ‘Can I ask you a question?’
He nods. ‘You know you can ask me anything.’
‘Okay, but I need you to promise that you won’t tease me or get all excited and over analyze it. And that you’ll drop it when I say so.’
‘Okay, now you’ve got me nervous.’
‘I’ve got myself nervous,’ I tell him, tracing one of the heart drawings Seth put on my cast. ‘But I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t figure out what the hell is going on inside my head.’
He turns the car down one of the side streets that lead to the university. The shedding trees that canopy the road are evidence that winter is just around the corner. ‘Okay, I promise not to do any of those things. Now spill what’s on your mind.’
I’m not sure where to start. I blow out a breath and just let it out of me. ‘So I’ve been having these thoughts.’
‘Mmm hmm.’ He’s choosing his responses carefully.
‘About my … feelings.’ The word feels so foreign.
His grip tightens on the steering wheel. Greyson knows me well enough to understand that me talking about feelings is a huge deal. ‘Okay, what feelings exactly?’
I itch at my wrist where the cut used to be, but now is just a thin, fading scar. ‘About life and …’
‘Yeah …’
‘Luke.’ I wince as I say it, because letting it out into the world makes it that much more real, and also bluntly obvious that something is unquestionably going on inside me.
He turns into the parking lot of the university and parks as close as he can. He leaves the engine running and turns into the seat to face me. ‘Do I dare ask what feelings we’re talking about?’
‘I honestly can’t answer that because I don’t know.’ I pause, my mouth opening and closing repeatedly.
‘Violet, this is a safe zone,’ Greyson says, putting a hand on mine. ‘You can say whatever you want without judgment.’
I hate that I have to be reassured, that I’ve become that kind of person, but it is what it is. ‘What’s love like?’ I blurt out like a madwoman.
It’s clear I’ve shocked him and that this wasn’t the question he wasn’t expecting me to ask. As he takes in the entire meaning of what I just said, his eyes fill with sadness. I half expect him to say something about being so sorry that I don’t know the answer to this, but he doesn’t and it makes me like him that much more.