I need to stop thinking that.
“Jesus, relax.” Nova holds up her hands in front of her. “Did I say anything about Avery?”
I flick some ash off my black T-shirt. “No, but you’ve said it enough over the last few days that I knew where you were going.”
“You guys looked pretty chummy working the table saw together today.” She crosses her arms. “I thought you said you were going to try to avoid her—that you didn’t want to get involved with anyone”—she makes air quotes— “ever.”
I had said that, right after the first day I’d run into Avery. But I’m not sure I ever really meant it. It’s just something I said to protect myself from getting hurt. And what happened between us today, which wasn’t anything really—yet it was—was an accident. An enjoyable accident, but still an accident nonetheless.
“You were watching us?” I ask Nova suspiciously.
“Yeah, I worry about you, being alone so much and also because… Well, you’re heart’s more fragile than you want people to believe.” She looks more guilty than worried.
Nova has never said it, but I think she feels guilty for not being able to reciprocate my feelings when I told her I liked her as more than a friend. I think she blames herself for the fact that I’ve been off and on drugs ever since I declared my feelings and then kissed her, even though I was a druggie long before that happened. But that’s just Nova. She cares way more than anyone else I’ve ever met, which is part of the reason I fell for her.
“I’m fine with being alone,” I tell her, but it’s not completely true. I just live in denial to avoid the painful reality. “And trust me, my heart’s not fragile. At all.”
“Yeah….” Nova mulls over something while twisting a strand of her hair around her finger. “Avery does seem really nice and a lot like you in some ways, don’t you think?”
“No one’s like me, Nova.” I’m offended for Avery. The last thing she needs is to be compared to me. Some of the shit I’ve done… my sins…I’m not a good person and no one wants to be compared to that or really be with a person who has a fucked-up past like mine.
“Tristan, you’re a good person.” Nova shields her eyes from the sun with her hand. “And you want to know what? From my observation, I think Avery likes you. I mean, you even said once that the night you two hung out was hard to forget.”
I shake my head, acting as if I don’t care as much as I really do, pretending the idea of being with Avery isn’t intriguing. Trying to ignore the need I feel deep inside me to spend hours with her. Ignoring the fact that earlier when I was showing her how to cut a board, I wanted to pull down her shirt just enough to finally see the rest of that tattoo of a tree that’s on her back and perhaps kiss the lines that form the soul-baring words.
“Hard to forget doesn’t mean it was a good night,” I reply dryly. “Just one that stuck with me.”
“So it wasn’t a good night?” She’s astounded, but Nova also doesn’t know the details of what happened with Conner and with the bag of crystal either.
“It both was and wasn’t.” Confusion masks her face, and I decide to tell her just enough that she’ll back off. “You do remember when the cops showed up, right?”
“Yeah. You guys said it was because a guy showed up that Avery had a restraining order for.”
“A guy that had a knife.”
Her eyes pop wide. “Tristan—”
“And Avery found drugs that I dropped,” I cut her off.
Nova’s so shocked she looks like she might start crying. I instantly feel like a dick for bringing her to that point just to avoid the truth—that even though I don’t like to admit it, that night was so much more than just a night.
“I didn’t do the drugs.” I blow out a frustrated breath. “See, this is why I can’t get serious with her or anyone. I’m a fucking asshole, even to my friends.”
“You’re not a fucking asshole.” She sucks back the tears. “And I’m glad you told me the truth. It shows you’ve grown.”
“Stop looking for the good in the bad I do. Everything I do is bad and if it appears like I’ve done something good, it’s probably for selfish reasons.”
She evaluates me closely. “Why didn’t you do the drugs that night?”
I shrug, trying not to shy away from her profound assessment of me. “I don’t know.”
“No, I think you do.” She slants back, giving me the room I badly seek. “But that’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
Her insinuation that there is a deeper meaning to me not snorting the bag of crystal that night is bugging the shit out of me. Yeah, I didn’t do it that night, nor have I done it since, but still…
I’m an addict. Plain and simple.
And I’ll do it again because that’s who I am.
The only reason I’m not right now is because…. Well, I’m still trying to figure that out.
“So where are we going tonight?” I sidetrack the conversation.
Nova smiles, her sadness shifting to cheeriness. “It’s a surprise.”
I frown. “It’s not the Vibe, is it?”
She rapidly shakes her head. “Of course not.”
I recline against the side of the hotel and fold my arms. “You know you’ve never been a good liar.”
She fiddles with a bracelet on her wrist then shakes her head. “Please, pretty please, just go. If for nothing else, just to check on her and see if she’s okay. She seemed really stressed out today.”
“She’s not going to give up until you agree, man,” Quinton remarks as he exits the room. He’s changed into a clean pair of jeans and a T-shirt. He immediately lights up the moment he’s outside on the patio.
“It’s true,” Nova agrees with a nod.
I take out my cigarettes. “If I agree to go, you have to promise you won’t look too deeply into anything that happens.”
“But what do you think is going to happen?” she asks. “Clearly you want something to happen otherwise you wouldn’t have said that.”
“Nova,” I warn and she quickly gives me an I won’t do it again look.
Really, she’s right, though. I do want something to happen. A lot to happen actually. Have for months. Which is why I should stay away. But I can’t stop thinking about how easy it is to talk to Avery and how easy hasn’t really been part of my life. And, as always, I end up making the stupid decision and go.