So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Band rehearsals, school and Max kept me busy through September and October.
When Halloween rolled around, I was nervous because we got the Omega Chi gig, and it would be my first show. The others said it was no big deal, but my stomach roiled as I helped Evan unload the van. Racing Sorrow didn’t wear costumes but they did coordinate, so we were all in red-and-black in varying combinations. I had on black jeans, a red tank top, black leather jacket, red Converse. Dana laughed when she saw me because she’d gone for a similar look, only her jacket had silver studs on the shoulders.
“Admit it, you two compared notes,” Evan teased.
“At least we’re not pimptastic,” Dana shot back.
“Hey, I am rocking this look.”
We both shook our heads as Ji Hoo hopped out of the van in red skinny jeans and a black T-shirt. Evan wore black pants and blazer, black dress shirt underneath, with pops of color from his red combat boots and porkpie hat. Most guys couldn’t pull off that outfit but he gave it a certain panache. Taken together, we formed a cohesive group and I was happy we could manage it without resorting to matching jumpsuits.
“Let’s get set up.” Ji Hoo tended to be the most focused and he quietly put a stop to the playful bickering, a reminder that I had to be serious.
Yeah, this was just a frat party, but they were paying us four hundred dollars to play. I’d never earned money on my own before. Which made me sound really spoiled—and I probably was. In high school I spent all my spare time with Eli, and my parents never suggested I do anything else. Maybe that should’ve tipped me off as to how bleak our chances for a happy ending were. Most parents would be nagging about the future, but my folks never suggested I should back off, possibly because they’d realized I would go ballistic.
They knew I was dying, Eli said. You were the only one who wouldn’t accept it.
You had remissions before. But my heart wasn’t in the argument. As he’d said, he had been gone for five years. The fact that I was still clinging said something sad about my mental health. I took a deep breath. And for the first time, it felt wrong talking to him when I had Max for real, as if I was silently admitting that he wasn’t enough—that I couldn’t share certain things with him. And that felt...disloyal.
You’re almost there. Eli sounded sad.
Tipping my head back, I stared up at the tangle of tree limbs waving in the wind. The scrape of dry leaves lent the night an oddly funeral air. In some ways, this was like burying my boyfriend all over again. While he might’ve died, he was never really gone. I fought the urge to cry. God, I’m so crazy.
“You okay?” Evan set a hand on my shoulder. “Nervous?”
“Somewhat.” Managing a smile, I followed him into the frat house.
After the show, I promised Eli.
It’s up to you, he answered. But you’ve known you have to move on for a while.
Hearing that swelled the knot in my throat. Dread quickened my pulse and sweat broke out on my forehead. I had been treading water for five years, not drowning but not swimming, either. It was a weird situation, no question, but I didn’t think I could play alone. Once I got through the performance, then I’d see about quieting the voice in my head.
The downstairs was huge and open with a loft area immediately upstairs. There must have been bedrooms up there, too, but it didn’t impact us. We took the forty-five minutes before the party started to set up and do the sound check. Acoustics were decent due to the ceilings, but I doubted anyone would notice unless we absolutely sucked. Max had said he’d swing by later; he was the kind of guy who could wander into a party and it never mattered if he’d been invited.
By the time people started arriving in costume, we were ready to go. The blond guy in charge of entertainment paid Evan and he nodded at the rest of us. That’s my cue. I came in as Ji Hoo set the temp and we worked through our first set as more and more people arrived. Few of them paid any attention to the music, more interested in yelling and drinking, but that was fine. We were still getting paid. I saw what Evan meant about this being perfect for my first show, though. It was highly unlikely anybody would notice if I fumbled a few keys. The rest of the group was focused and professional, though, and I followed their example.
Ten minutes in, and people started dancing. That was kind of a rush. I’d been at parties with live music before but I never wondered how they felt while I was rocking out. Good thing I played the keyboard, which let me sit down, because I had no moves. Not that I ever let it stop me from having fun, but there was no way I could do the cool spins that Dana was pulling off with her bass, somehow not stumbling on cables in the process.
Mostly I focused on playing, not paying much attention to the idiots running around, but something made me glance up and I found Max standing in the crowd, just watching me. I smiled, somehow didn’t screw up and lifted my chin in silent acknowledgment. He answered with a smile so big and bright that my heart clenched. While the set wrapped up, a few girls came over to him and I saw him shaking his head, nodding toward me, ridiculous how happy it made me.
“We’re taking a fifteen minute break,” Evan said, after we finished the song.
A few guests actually protested as we stood up. Max threaded through a cluster of drinkers to catch my hand. I laced our fingers together as he led me toward the door. Until I got outside, I didn’t realize how hot I was, the brisk air chilly on my sweaty skin. Shivering, I rubbed my hands together, and his arm circled my shoulders.
“How’re you doing?”
“It’s fun. We sound okay?”
“Yeah. And I love watching you.”
“Pervert.”
“You know what I mean.” He shifted, pulling me back against him so his chin rested on the top of my head and his arms wrapped around me from behind. “I feel like I should get you a present to commemorate your first show, but...”
Though he didn’t finish, I knew he must be feeling bad that he couldn’t afford to get me expensive jewelry. I wouldn’t wear it anyway. “I don’t need anything.”
“Come on, tell me your wish list. I’ll put a pin in it for later. What do you want?”
“From you?” Tilting my head back so I could just see his profile, I pretended to consider. “Many things, and most of them are so dirty.”
“Be serious. I’m not in a position now, but someday I will be.” To me, the words sounded like a promise.