“That’s when you started thinking about the future?”
“Before then, I was just trying to survive. I figured I’d die alone in some shitty room.” He paused, kissing the top of my head. “I’m not telling this to make you feel sorry for me. But...it does affect some parts of my psyche, if I can say that without sounding like a weirdo. I’ll never want to tie you up. I’ll never be into anything that will hurt you, even a little.”
“That would be a problem if I wanted you to.”
“You don’t?”
I shook my head. “Don’t worry, we’re good. But I’m glad you told me. I feel like I understand you better now.”
“How so?”
“The way you are. You’ve seen too much of women being disrespected so you’re trying to make up for it.” What other people saw as Max being a player, flirting with everyone, was more like him paying compliments to offer some good to balance the bad in the world. A lot of women wanted to sleep with him as a result, and sometimes he did. But libido didn’t drive his behavior; that was kind of interesting.
“That’s not how I’d characterize my behavior freshman year,” Max said.
“No?”
“Honestly?”
“Preferably.”
“I came to college on my own. No parents dropping me off. No car load of stuff.” His words conjured a poignant picture. “I...asked Charlene to come with me, but she couldn’t. She said I was better off without her, not that I necessarily agree.”
“Do you still talk to her?”
“Freshman year, I called her but she stopped answering.” His tone told me it bothered him. In his experience, people only got close, hurt you and bailed. No wonder he’d freaked out over me pulling away. “Before I left, she told me not to look back.”
I fought the urge to turn and hug him. That wouldn’t make it easy for him to keep talking, though. I suspected the fact that I couldn’t see his face helped. “So...college?”
“Yeah. I had exactly what I could fit on my bike. And I was scared. Nervous. Lonely. So I figured it would be better to seem overconfident, you know? I kept trying to connect but I never got past a few hours in bed. A few months of that and word got around. ‘Don’t take that asshole seriously, he just wants to hook up’. Which wasn’t necessarily true, but—”
“It’s hard to change a reputation once the damage is done.” I knew that especially well. To this day, it hurt that anyone could believe I’d take advantage of someone who wasn’t coherent enough to consent to sex.
“So anyway. You asked.” He let out a deep, shuddering breath. Then he continued in a wondering tone, “You know...I think I saw some of Charlene in Lauren.”
“Huh?” That seemed really odd and unlikely.
I felt him nod against my head. “Nobody else ever noticed, but to me, Lauren always seemed like she needed saving.”
“Interesting. I didn’t know her that well.” For the first time in forever, I could talk about her with him without wanting to chew through my own arm. I’d played confidante so often, listening to his ideas on how to make her realize he was serious.
“I got beat up over her, too. Another thing she has in common with Charlene.” Rueful tone, as he carried my hand to his mouth to press a kiss into my palm. “You’re the first woman I ever fought for when I wasn’t in rescue mode.”
“That’s good because I’m not a damsel. I can take care of myself.” Privately I wondered about the Lauren-related altercation, but I’d already gotten all the truth I could handle tonight. Changing the subject seemed like the best option. “So...did I ruin our first official date?”
“Nope. But I need to move.”
“Am I crushing you?”
“Nah. I just need to see your face.”
Max shifted me forward and we wriggled around until I ended up in his arms on my side. He drew me closer by draping a thigh over mine. I slid my arm across his waist, conscious of the sound of the water, the insects chirping, but also of the warm rush of his breath over my face and the thump of his heart against mine.
“I’ve never told anyone about that,” he said softly.
“I’m glad you did.”
The idea of Max being hurt filled me with a wild and impotent rage. I couldn’t get the image out of my head: three grown men, pummeling him, kicking him, blood everywhere, and Max staggering to his feet, again and again. Beautifully unbreakable. I could learn so much from him—so much about determination. Shame trickled through me that I’d hit one hurdle and given up so quickly, taken so long to find my spark again.
“There’s nothing I won’t answer, if you ask me.”
“Ooh. How can I resist? Have you ever thought about being with a guy?” It was the kind of question that told you a lot about the person answering it.
“I’ve kissed one,” Max said unexpectedly.
I propped up on an elbow, simultaneously surprised and slightly turned on. “Really?”
“Last year at one of Josh’s parties. You know how he likes to play Suckface Trivia?”
Vaguely I recalled him as being Angus’s ex-boyfriend, the one who’d cheated. I’d never participated but he’d enjoyed rounding up the drunk and/or high people and orchestrating random, interesting make-out sessions. Sometimes it got unexpectedly heated between apparently incompatible partners. I was curious about Max’s experience.
“You were drunk enough to get a simple answer wrong?”
“Yep. It was a crappy night and you weren’t around.” His plaintive tone made me kiss the top of his nose.
“So who did you kiss?”
“Josh.”
“Wow, was Angus pissed?” This must’ve been before the cheating confession.
“Nah. I didn’t French him or anything.”
“Cheek or mouth?”
“Mouth.”
“How come?”
He lifted one shoulder with a shy smile. “I didn’t want to wimp out.”
“How was it?”
“It was fine. But no sparks, if that’s what you’re asking. I hate to disappoint but we’re not a bi couple. Though I was dead serious when I said I’d want you even if you were a guy. I’d figure out how to make it work.”
“You’d be gay for me?”
“I’d be anything for you,” he whispered.