Not too long ago, they’d intended to make that their house, their hardwood floor, their dog…. But somehow, losing the house and dog and Buddy’s romantic interest didn’t hurt anymore. Once her pride had recovered, everything else bounced back as though she hadn’t just lost the man she’d been planning to spend the rest of her life with. From there, it hadn’t taken long to realize that she missed Buddy’s friendship more than anything else. Especially on nights like this, when she wanted to see Josh Hill but wouldn’t let herself.
She longed to talk to Buddy the way she talked to Delaney, tell him what Josh had said, explain how badly she’d wanted him to make love to her last weekend. She even wanted to analyze possible motivations for his refusal and have Buddy help her try to figure out what it all meant.
But it probably wasn’t smart to talk about Josh. It wasn’t smart to think about him. Every time she did, she became angry over what he’d done to her—or what he hadn’t done, to be more specific—and swore up and down that she’d never let him break her.
Then she imagined how he’d react if she ever capitulated, and wondered if it would really be so bad to give him what he asked.
Drive by his place. See if he’s home.
The temptation seemed innocuous enough. Except that the voice in her head sounded suspiciously similar to the one that constantly whispered, “One cigarette won’t hurt. What’s one cigarette?”
“I’m not going anywhere near Josh Hill. I won’t let him win,” she said aloud. Then she called Buddy, because calling Buddy was a lesser evil than going out to Josh’s place. But even after she’d talked to Buddy for almost thirty minutes, during which they fell into a quick and ready friendship, she still couldn’t stop thinking of Josh.
Just drive by. Once. What’s it gonna hurt? You know you want to see him.
Rebecca glanced at the clock. It was nearly eleven. Finally. Though she hadn’t mentioned Josh to Buddy—considering their background, it was a bit early in their friendship to include love-interest discussions—she knew he’d think she was crazy to pursue him. She could hear him saying, “That’s the guy who called me.” She could also hear Mary Thornton saying, “You think you can get away with anything.”
But she wanted to go out to Josh’s ranch, anyway.
Good thing she never listened to anybody, she thought, and grabbed her keys.
REBECCA SAT in her Firebird, engine running, and stared longingly at Josh’s house. At first, she’d pulled to the side of the road a quarter mile short of his place, just to be cautious in case he was up and about or had company. But no extra cars cluttered the drive, and the lights were all out. She felt fairly safe creeping closer.
She parked right in front and shifted to rest one arm on the seat, the other over the steering wheel. What would happen if she actually went to the door? Would Josh invite her in? Would he forget all that crazy talk about risk and “I go, you go” and the meaning of sex? What was the point? They were doomed before they began. He had to know that as well as she did.
But she couldn’t put what she felt for him to rest. Thoughts of Josh swirled around and around in her head, wearing her down, wearing her out…..
She tried to remember the last good night’s sleep she’d had and couldn’t. She’d been worried about Delaney, of course. Delaney had started having a few isolated contractions several days ago, which meant the baby could come anytime. Then there was Booker, who refused to give up on Katie, even though she had an undying crush on Mike Hill. For all his bravado, she knew he could get hurt and didn’t want to see that happen.
But underlying everything else was the constant magnetic pull of Josh Hill, which responded to no reason.
For the tiniest moment, Rebecca imagined telling him what was banging around in her heart. Maybe if she set the truth free, she wouldn’t feel as if she was about to explode.
But she couldn’t tell Josh she loved him. She could never really hope he might love her back. And what about how foolish she’d feel when things fell apart and the entire town had a good laugh because she’d thought herself capable of winning Josh’s heart? Even if he started seeing her, her family’s smug patronizing would veil a calm assurance that he’d wise up at some point. And what about Mary? Josh had always seemed so lukewarm about her. Was that the best he could offer a woman?
Rebecca knew she could hate a man and fight with him constantly. She could also love a man and fight with him constantly. But she couldn’t live with an impassive partner. It would completely strangle her passion for life.
Finished. Done. Decided. There’d be no strangling for her, she decided.
On that note, she put the transmission in drive and checked her rearview mirror. A pair of headlights stabbed the black night behind her. She felt a moment’s panic as the two beams reflected in her mirror, momentarily blinding her before she could shove the car’s gearshift into park and cut the engine to douse her own lights. With luck, whoever it was wouldn’t notice her. With luck, they’d drive right by. But the next house was five miles away, which didn’t make for a very steady stream of traffic, at least this late, and she had a sick feeling that the person coming down the road was Josh.
Curling her nails into her palms, she kept her head down and waited. The engine hummed closer. The truck—she could definitely tell it was a truck now, as she could see the top of it despite her position—slowed, seemed to hesitate in the middle of the road, then turned into the drive.
“Damn,” she muttered. Had he seen her? Would he surprise her by coming to the window? Realize she’d been spying on his house like a lovesick fool?
Her face burning hot with embarrassment, she raised her head to peer over the door panel. Then she breathed a giant sigh of relief when Mike got out, slammed the door of his truck and headed to the house.
Ahh…a reprieve. Rebecca knew when she’d tempted fate far enough. As soon as Mike disappeared inside, she started her car again and drove off as fast as she could without squealing tires and spewing gravel.
MARY CAME IN to get her nails done the next day. Rebecca tried to focus on little Jessica Ball, whose bangs she was trying to trim, but it was pretty difficult to ignore the fact that Mary was staring daggers at her from across the room.
“Sit still,” she muttered, shoving a toy in the child’s lap.
When Rebecca had Jessica’s bangs straight, her mommy paid for the haircut and the two of them walked happily down the street. Rebecca thought it a perfect time to escape—er, to grab some lunch. But she’d barely reached the door when Mary said, “Rebecca, can I talk to you for a minute?”